Mondays after F1

Me: hi friends

Me: you wanna know what happened yesterday?

Me: MY HEART WAS RIPPED FROM MY BODY

Them: it was an F1 weekend wasn't it

lepoderfrijol reblogged

What if F1 Drivers did diaries?

Kimi Raikkonen

Got drunk. Fell asleep. Woke up. Hit snooze. Staggered out of bed. Showered. Ate. Changed Robin’s nappies. Sex with Minttu. Gym. Phone call with Arrivabene. Meet mother. Urine test. Phone call with Seb. Repeat.

Sebastian Vettel

He’ll probably elaborate too much on certain aspects of his day, so he’ll never reveal what he really enjoys doing in his spare time (watching porn, annoying Hanna & his secret Batmobile). He’ll talk endlessly about his cooking session with Kimi where they cook a lobster, but Kimi burns the mashed potatoes. He’ll talk how wonderful his family is and distract us with drivel.

Lewis Hamilton

#Blessed. #AyrtonSenna. #TeamLH. #LH44. #SavourChrist #Roscoe&Coco.

These are the six hashtags of the blessed one’s life. He actually has a fortnightly column on the BBC F1′s website, but it’s full of the usual corporate claptrap. However, if you could confide into his real diary, it’ll be full of his stories of trying to woo Rihanna, Gigi Hadid, Kendall Jenner & A. N. Other. He’ll sob over a romantic memory from his failed relationship with Nicole Scherzinger and partially blame himself for it. Some weird analogy about how Senna will guide me through the darkness will appear randomly.

Nico Rosberg

Lewis is a such a dick. He think he’s Formula One’s answer to Tiger Woods & David Beckham, but he’s too slow when it comes to foreplay with girls. He’s certainly not got model looks, he’s still that snotty geek who used to play chess with me when our mechanics worked on our karts.

Quite bitter, isn’t he? Sadly, when I see him bitch and moan in press conferences, it’s clear to see that the blessed one has been living rent-free inside Rosberg’s grey matter since that incident at 2014 Belgian Grand Prix. He’ll mention how his girlfriend and mother try to cheer him up with visits to Gucci and Hugo Boss, but that empty feeling of being the blessed one’s bitch scuppers his joy daily.

Fernando Alonso

Greetings minions. My Samurai powers will overcome the deficiencies of my turd of a McLaren Honda.

The enigmatic Spaniard would probably write a load of nonsense about everything that has gone wrong is not his fault. He’ll probably fill in a very awkward diary entry about how Lara Alvarez once screamed “Sergio!” during an intense session of sex. Football fans amongst you will know Lara used to go out with Sergio Ramos, but Fernando will admit to committing to their relationship solely due to the quality of intercourse she provides.

Jenson Button

Jenson would probably treat us to an insight of his training he undertakes for triathlons. The grim details of the physiotherapy administered to his groin will be laid out and he’ll admit his bike has faster acceleration than his McLaren-Honda.

Daniel Ricciardo & Daniil Kvyat

The two Red Bull boys probably share a diary together. Both of them boast of their beer pong PBs, only to discover Kimi Raikkonen set the Guinness World Record for this ten years ago.

Felipe Massa

My son Felipinho must have ADHD! He never ever sits down! He even pulled down Anna’s blouse this morning! What a cheeky little scamp!

Kevin Magnussen

#NeverGiveUpOnTheDream

Ron Dennis keeps telling me of the prodigious talent I have and how he bought five drinks for Jacques Villeneuve when he compared Jenson to a boyband member! He keeps telling me I’m first priority for one of the race seats if Jense or Nando vacated one of them, regardless of how well Stoffel does in GP2.