My biggest challenge

It’s been eleven months since I’ve been here. 2015 was my bad year. A lot has been going on or maybe not going on. The point is, I’m probably like a little bit depressed. And two days ago I saw a psychologist for the very first time in my life so I hope she can help me figure things out. 

I just wanted to establish that my first step and goal towards a healthier life again is just plain and simple: eat normal. Nothing about eating healthy and shit, just eating normal. Having breakfast and lunch and dinner with as much water, coffee and tea I can stand and maybe the occasional soft drink. With no more binging. If I can get into the habit of eating normally then from there on out I can go into the next step. Which is making my food myself. Right now I have stuffed the freezer with meals that I just have to warm up. That way when i get home from work, I will have a normal meal to eat and I won’t have a dinner that consist of just plain sandwhiches with nutella, or cereal. Yesterday I had a bowl of soup, four slices of bread with nutella, and then cereal. That’s not a normal dinner. So that’s why for now I’m gonna buy my meals and get into the habit of enjoying a normal meal for dinner. After that I can start by figuring out how to get into the habit of making dinner myself. Like perhaps on my days off I can prepare some meals and put them in the freezer so it’s like before only I’ve made them myself. I don’t know, I’m still figuring things out. My therapist said to maybe ask my parents to cook three meals again so I have a meal waiting for me when I get home or maybe wait with dinner until I’m home so we can eat together again. My mom is always telling me that I only have to ask for help and she’ll do whatever she can when it comes to my weightloss journey. 

I’ve kinda put it on a burner since I have other stuff to deal with. i.e. being unhappy is one of them and not having any fucking energy to do anything.

I’m also very much into the idea that my mom had: to buy a hometrainer so that for some exercise we don’t have to leave the house. That way we can get into the habit of just jumping on the bike in the morning or at night or just whenever to get some daily exercise. That’ll help big time too. Because for some reason having a physical demanding job that requires me to walk around all day isn’t exactly exercise for my body.

We’ll see. 

It's been so long since I've been here. 

I've given up since the last time. I stopped caring and I started eating junk food again and not exercising. 

A couple weeks ago I had to acknowledge that food has become a comfort. I had never seen it that way but it has.  I've seen it on tv on those weight loss shows where very obese people would talk about that fact and I never understood how food could be that.

Now I do. 

The reason I stopped is because I'm not happy. I'm not happy with my life.  And I felt that taking away food I like would be like punishing me, and just another aspect of my life that would suck. And I knew that eventually I would just give up. So I figured what's the point. Why even bother. 

A couple days ago I clicked this link on tumblr on a jack and coke breadpudding recipe. And I came upon a foodblog of someone who lost 130 pounds, for the metric person I am that would be around 60 kg. And she had made posts about binging that was so on point. She has made a TED talk which I watched that also made so many good point about what I am going through right now. And the thing that ringed in my head was the sentence: can I do it today?

And I feel like that's gonna work for me. 

Can I do it today? Can I stop myself from binging today? Can I just eat healthy food today?

I know losing the weight isn't gonna help me be more happy. But I know it will make me feel better about myself. It will feel amazing if I can find my size in a regular store. It wil feel amazing if I can get up from a squat position without groaning and without needing to pull myself up. 

Right now I feel like the best coarse of action is to focus on the food first. And then I'll start running again.

Yesterday I could.

Let's hope today I can as wel.

I'm having trouble starting again. The internet is full with information on how to lose weight. There are lots of books about it. And I guess almost all of them talk about keeping your metabolism going. Meaning you have to eat small meals five to six times a day. That is something I cannot do. You see I have something called A JOB. And it's a job where the only break I have is a lunchbreak. So when I'm working an entire day which is a ten hour shift. I only get a half hour lunchbreak in between. Before and after I have to work work work. My job in the butchershop is serving customers. And yeah there are slow days and busy days. During slow days I can find the time to stuff something in my mouth when there are no customers, or when I'm working in the back I can occasionally take a bite out of something. So I could bring some little snack or meal with me during those times, sure. However I don't have the time for eating in between when it's very busy in the shop. Which means that even if I brought something with me to eat, it usually will just lie there untouched because I'm too busy and I will get hungrier and hungrier and then when it's finally lunchtime since I work in a butchershop it's super easy to just grab this extra little thing because then what i've brought doesn't seem enough because I am starving then usually. So in those days I would need a snack that doesn't take too long to eat. Like maybe five seconds or something. Does anybody know a snack that will give me some energy and is healthy and is eaten is five seconds?! Yeah. So that's superfun of course. I'll just have to find away around all that I suppose. If I'm really gonna go for it and not give up I need to plan. Like seriously plan things ahead. Plan my meals and prepare them in advance. Meaning I have to figure out when I have time for meal prepping and when to go shop. And in between that I have to find the time and plan when to exercise. It all sounds so exhausting to be honest that I'm having trouble starting it all. But I have to do it someday. I don't just want to be thinner. I want to feel healthier too. For instance, I have noticed that when I'm driving I get uncomfortable because of my belly. There is a lot of fat there.

Again with the four months thing. This is getting a habit.  So yeah nothing has changed again. I did end up getting that swimsubscription but it didn't take me long to find problems with those workouts as well.

1. the lanes are too small meaning when you're sharing a lane with a few people every few meters you end up having to hold back so you don't accidentally kick the other person. Of course it just so happens that I'm the only one who takes that into account and holds back while the other person just happily swims further kicking out their limbs without event considering you. Ugh. So you can't get a decent swim if you have to do that the entire time.

2. i'm not a fast enough swimmer to go to the 'fast' lane so I'm always stuck in the lanes with grandma's and grandpa's who just float around in the lane meaning you always have to bypass them and frankly that just annoys me. I wanna swim, not constantly having to divert my course. They should have a 'slow' lane, that would fix things right up. 

3. in the evening the pool changes it's direction so the lanes are horizontal and a lot longer. nothing wrong with that but of the ten lanes seven of them are for 'clubs'. So you then have the one 'fast' lane and then you only have two lanes for just general. THAT IS NOT FUCKING ENOUGH. Even at nine there are still too many people swimming in those two lanes meaning of course you can't get a decent swim in either because you're always passing people and having to hold back. 

4. I hate the showering in my bathing suit afterwards.

Either way I'm still paying for the rest of the year until next march (because god forbid you wanna cancel a subscription when you discover it's also not doing you any good) so I better get back into the swimming. 

Haven't gone in months of course. And I've let myself go in the past months too especially when I was in Toronto for ten days and I can feel having gained weight again. And then when I came back my parents were gone for the next two weeks so I took advantage of the freedom of displaying everything I buy that's bad for me without any judgement from them. Didn't take me long to feel bad about that of course. 

So yeah. I'm just not getting there. 

And of course whenever I finally plan things my work fucks it up because they 'forgot' to tell me I have to come in early and I get called out of my bed in the morning. But that's a whole other story and basically I'm sick of it and looking for another job where I can get change in my hours ahead of time instead of five minutes before I walk out.

Oh dear god. Shame on me! How long has it been? About four months I think. Yeah, I've been in a bad place for a while. A little bit still because even as I am sitting here writing this I'm drinking a cherry coke. So somewhere around september I got so utterly unmotivated I stopped going to the gym for about three months. I started going again at the end of december when I thought: enough is enough. (plus wasted money of course) However, I can only be motivated for a little while. I went back for a few weeks but again i haven't been in two weeks. So I've made the decision to stop my gymmembership. And instead I'm requesting a swim subscription. 

I'm definitely up for going to bed early and getting up early so I can exercise in the mornings. But not the gym! That will never work. I just hate that place. So since I've always liked swimming and swimming laps is also a good workout I'm going for that.

Build up a habit and then veeeeeeery slowly start making a habit of going running in between. 

Then all that's left is while I'm making a habit of swimming is minding my food again. (seriously I suck at eating healthy) 

I should use this blog some more. Get my feelings out and stuff.

So eventually I went to the gym two times last week. And it didn't happen so far this week. But I'm going to the gym after work today. And maybe I can go tomorrow as wel. I work a full day on tuesday instead of a half day so that means that I should only have to work a half day on saturday to compensate. And it should be okay. So it's probably for in the morning. But I fear they might expect me to come in for an entire day anyway. So that means opening my mouth and say I'm done with working overtime when it's not necessary. Next saturdays I will definitely have to come in for a whole day because on of my coworkers who always works on saturday is getting married soon and she's getting married in Poland so she's off for a few weeks after this saturday. So I'd really like to enjoy this saturday. 

I again had a problem with the food I've been eating this week. Even getting as far as buying sugary snacks again. Frozen pizzas. I'm always up for buying healthy food and vegetables and stuff. But honestly, I have no idea what to do with that food once I bought it. How do I cook it?  So I guess I really need to find like a good cookbook for healthy eating. Though I'm sure we probably have that lying around here in the house somewhere. I'll be sure to look later. Because I really need to learn how to cook healthy and tasty. Because if I'm just like: eh. When I cook something healthy and I don't really like the taste. Then that means I'll be quitting that kind of food pretty soon. 

It's been really inspirationable to watch I Used To Be Fat on MTV lately.  Gets me thinking about how I feel being overweight. I'm not so overweight as the teens in that show, but I still understand how they feel.  Though it annoys me actually that you see them getting results because they do it in a summer where they have all the time in the world to focus on their diet and workouts.  I don't have that time. I go to work fulltime. And that means I find it very difficult to find the time to do a workout because I'd rather do something relaxing.  But to be honest: I do have the time to find. Monday is my day off. So I should be able to plan in some gym time. Tuesdays, wednesdays an fridays I have work at 1pm, so I have an entire morning to take the time and go to the gym. But that means getting up early and that is something I reeeeeaaaally don't like doing. 

Saturdays are fishy. Right now I'm always working saturdays, but I'm never sure so I can never plan something. And sundays I always work from 1pm to 5pm. The gym is open on sundays so again I could go in the morning. Not after though, because on the weekends the gym is open until six pm. 

It's so difficult, because I'd rather just relax on those mornings. Wake up when I want to. Do some stuff around the house. Watch some tv or read. Or be on my computer and go trough tumblr or whatever. 

In order to actually do something about my weight I actually have to change all that and I don't like changes. 

But I'm still gonna try.

Oh my god, I haven't been on this blog in over a month now I think.

Shame on me.

I kinda took a break. Not because I wanted to...well I guess I wanted to. But I was just so unmotivated for the last weeks. I think I managed to go to the gym like three times in the last two months. 

My diet has been abysmal. I've been snacking on chips and chocolate occasionally. Eating bread a lot. 

Good side is, I haven't gained any weight. I'm still hovering over 87 kilos.  So I guess that's good.

So anyway. I've been trying to start over. I was planning on going to the gym early in the morning. That didn't happen because I stayed up waay to late. But it's gonna happen at some point today. 

I know working out in the morning boosts your metabolism and all, but I really prefer to workout in the evenings. It just is.

My dinner tonight. Cooked by me.

So I went to the grocery store and bought some

So these are all good things right? And, holy crap hummus is delicious! I was seriously surprised by how tasty it was. 

I seem to have a serious problem when it comes to being hungry. Every day I start my day pretty well. Either a breakfast shake or like this morning some oatmeal with banana, raisins and almondflakes. And then hunger happens. 

For lunch I ate a quite a large sandwich, afterwards I thought it was way too much. And for dinner I brought home some noodles with chicken and egg from work. It was very tasty, but aparantly I couldn't help myself and proceeded to eat a slice of bread with butter and nutella before and after my dinner.

Controling yourself when you're hungry is very very hard.

Woah! Turns out I haven't been to the gym in a month! Yesterday evening I pushed myself into going and when I clocked in I had a message from one of the trainers that said I haven't been to the gym since june 10th. I was like, yikes. 

Well, having tepanyaki with all the meat and salads isn't really a great start to start watching my food again. I ate way too much...like always. 

Damnit.

It's friday, but I'm starting anew again.

I suppose I'll be starting over again and again and again. But I guess what matters most is that I'm not quitting. I'm not giving up on this. 

I will get there.