Waste The Night
“Mikey please,” Luke pleads as he tries to balance his bags and the cup of iced coffee in his hands. Michael doesn’t even turn around choosing to ignore the same pleas he’s been hearing since Luke had a glance at his airline ticket. Luke hastens his pace, trying to catch up with Michael.
“Michael,” Luke makes his stride longer, his steps becoming one and a half that of Michael’s. “Mike,” he steps right in front of Michael, putting his elbow against Michael’s chest to stop him from walking. Michael rolls his eyes at him.
“What, did you run out of names to call me?”
“You better speak up pretty boy if you want to catch that flight.” Luke scrunches up his nose at him. “What I’m serious! Someone could spot us here and I’m not really in the mood for commotion.” He urges as he adjusts the baseball cap on his head.
“Just take the middle seat this time for me, please.” Luke bites at his lip ring, knowing his chances are practically next to none. Michael always takes the seat next the window, occasionally the aisle but never the middle. He says there’s too little room for a six-foot man especially when he’s in between two other six-foot men. Luke knows that’s just part of the truth, Michael has always had trouble breathing when people are too close to him. He might believe he’s been better at hiding it but Luke continues to watch him struggle to calm himself down inside the different vehicles they’ve been shoved in after they’ve received a particularly warm welcome at airports.
Which brings Luke back to the matter at hand, he knows how much he’s asking Michael to do for him. But he needs this.
He wrings his hand as he watches Michael’s green eyes look at a spot over his shoulder, his thinking face on. “No.” Michael suddenly says as he takes a step forward. Panic rises from Luke’s chest prompting him to grab Michael’s hands in between his. Michael looks at him like he’s insane.
“Michael listen to me, I can’t do this.” He stares Michael in they eye, hoping the older boy would get just how serious he’s being. He waits for Michael’s gaze to fall so that he’ll know he has given up and has decided to give Luke what he wants. It doesn’t though.
Luke’s running out of things to say because he’s never been good at making them up. His gaze lowers to the floor, the floor, yes the floor. Before Luke can think too much about what he’s doing, he has lowered one of his knees to the floor, still holding Michael’s hand.
“Luke what the actual fuck,” Michaels scolds him.
“Please Mikey, just switch seats with me. I promise to be good to you all the time–”
Michael swallows hard. “Luke listen to yourself, be good for me! You’re ridiculous!” Luke ignores how Michael changes one word as well as the blush that has crept up his neck and cheeks.
“I promise to put your gaming unit back where I got it after I finish using it, I promise to ask for your permission before I use it, I promise to cuddle you when you need it, I swear I’d know even if you don’t tell me. I promise to clean up the apartment we’ll be sharing at least twice a week. I won’t steal your underwear anymore–”
Michael groans. Because all that Luke is promising him sounds really really tempting. But he reminds himself just what promises mean to Luke at this point in his life. It’s why he’s on his knees right now, just a couple hours before their Bali trip, begging for him to exchange seats with him. He jerks his hands away from him, wiping the sweat against his pants.
“No, Luke. You did this to yourself. I am not literally and figuratively getting in between you and Cal anymore than I already have.” Michael says, his voice deep and serious. Luke must have sensed this because he nods his head once and stands up, adjusting the strap of his bags on his shoulder. Michael gives him a small smile, not meant to comfort him, but to tell him he’s sorry that him and Cal are in this situation. Luke doesn’t return it.
Luke fidgets in his seat, extending his legs as far as the cramped seats would allow him. He’s had worse seats than this over the course of their tour the previous year, but this is definitely not one of the best, nor is it comfortable. He has to get some blood to his calves somehow and his butt is already numb. The flight isn’t long but it has been an hour and he just really need a bit of ventilation on his backside because it’s becoming uncomfortably hot. But he can’t move too much, not if he doesn’t want to jostle Michael who had put on shades in addition to his baseball cap right after seating and fell asleep. Or Calum who’s got his headphones on with his eyes closed. Luke doesn’t think he’s sleeping, he would know because he knows how he breathes when he is asleep.
“Stop moving so much,” Calum says, extremely annoyed, definitely not sleeping then.
“’M sorry.” Luke mumbles. He feels his cheeks heat up. This is the first time Calum has spoken to him since they returned to Sydney. He tries not to think too hard about Calum not greeting him during Christmas or New Year, the first time he did that since they met. Jack had asked him why Luke wasn’t going clubbing with him, their usual routine when back home. He stutters over saying Calum prefers spending their time in Sydney with family, since their taking this trip. So Jack took it upon himself to invite Calum to The Island without Luke’s knowledge. Calum showed up but he chose not to interact with Luke at all, always at the other side of the table, staying at the other end of the line in group pictures, and chatting up many many girls, all of them blonde. He wonders which one of them he went home with, he seemed to like the blue-eyed leggy one the most.
“You smell like smoke.” Luke finds himself saying.
“What?” Calum looks at him confused and Luke slumps a little in his seat, trying to hide his face.
“I don’t like it.” He says in a small voice. He wants to smack himself right now for even saying it out loud.
Calum side-eyes him. “I had one just before checking in,” he explains,
Calum smells his shirt and Luke feels bad for making him feel like there’s something wrong with smelling like smoke. “I-it’s faint,” Luke murmurs.
“I want both of us to enjoy this trip Luke,” Calum says. Luke looks at him to see if he has his eyes on Luke but he’s staring straight ahead.
“Me too.” Luke admits, his eyes scanning the expanse of Calum’s jaw. They’re already too close but he wants to move closer, nuzzle his face against Calum’s, feel his smooth skin against his bearded chin.
He watch as a flash of pain passes Calum’s face, his forehead scrunching for a while. But he’s quick to blink it away, his face going back to neutral, the only trace of the emotion ever coming over him is the glassy shine in his eyes.
“I heard Nia’s going to be there,” Luke can’t help himself. Calum has always been drawn to the girl, her creativity challenging Calum’s. He’s seen them debate over something for days, always bickering about last night’s topic just before Hey Violet is due to come onstage. She thinks deeply and is one of the few people who can understand Calum’s silence. Calum talks to her. And Luke knows that’s the highest compliment Calum can ever give. Luke used to be blessed with that.
Calum confirms with a nod. “I invited her to come, thought she’d enjoy the place too.” He informs.
Luke wants to shake Michael awake. He wants to ask him if Nia and Calum’s friendship has become something more. It’s not unlikely, Nia is attractive and Calum, he doesn’t know how anyone can ever deny Calum. When did it happen? How could he miss it? He thinks back to their days on the tour, god he’d play all of them in his head if he could, pick out the exact moment Calum saw Nia as more than a friend whose ideas he enjoy. He’d pick it out and erase all traces of it until she’s back to being just the drummer of the band that opens for them.
“Luke you don’t get to be jealous of her,” Calum says lowly. Luke sees his fists clench on the arm rest.
“I know that,” he answers, just as low.
“But I am.” He closes his eyes as the words hang in the air between them.
“Fuck you Luke,” Calum curses but his voice doesn’t raise one bit.
Luke turns his head to see Calum. He’s gripping the armrest tightly, his knuckles white from the force. His other hand is on top of his knee as if he’s trying to stop himself from standing up and-
“You don’t know how much I want to punch you in the face right now,” Calum says through clenched teeth. Luke swallows hard. Calum turns his head to stare him in the eye. He leans closer until Luke’s eyes almost crosses trying to keep his gaze, their noses almost touching.
Luke feels Calum’s breath on his lips as he opens his mouth, before a sound can even come out of it. “And how much I want to straddle you after that,” Luke’s eyes widen and he has to focus on not closing the gap between them.
“Hold your hands between one of my own so you can’t touch me, rip that necklace off of you and pull your hair so you’d bare your neck to me, use the tip of my tongue to trace a line from the base of your neck to your bottom lip, and when you open your mouth,” Calum’s gaze lowers to his lips and Luke swallows the groan that would have escaped his throat. “Oh Lucas, you’d open your mouth, I’d go back to your neck suck and bite a bruise on it,”
Calum stops and blinks. The glisten in his eyes are back and Luke felt the pain in his chest. Calum lowers his gaze down, his voice weak when he continues,“ and I’d make the mark last. I’d make it last so long you won’t need a fucking necklace to remind you of me.”
Calum looks back at him and Luke watches as a tear slips out his eye which he quickly wipes away with his hand. Luke can only stare at him. So he stares at him even if he has put his headphones back on and closed his eyes to go back to pretending he’s asleep.
It’s their first night in Bali and they will be staying for a couple of weeks but no one wants to waste a minute of their vacation time. There will be a lot of people joining the trip and not all of them are here yet. In fact there are only a couple of girls present at the moment, the rest will arrive in a few days. They were supposed to put their things away at a villa and stay there but someone suggested they go to the nearest beach and spend the rest of the night drinking beers. Everyone had agreed of course, since every one was determined to have a good time.
Calum pops open his second beer. They end up sitting around a fire. Not many people are on this beach since this part of the ocean isn’t the best. They still chose to go farther along the shore though, wanting their first night to feel like a proper vacation. They are passing around shots but Calum declines half of them, not wanting to get too drunk. Luke is the opposite though, he notes. Not only is he accepting every shot that comes his way, he’s also on his third bottle of beer and would sometimes pour himself a shot when the others are caught up talking.
“They got good beers here huh Cal?” Michael says nudging Calum’s shoulder as he drinks from his own.
“Someone’s got to stop him or he’ll ruin half of tomorrow for himself,” Michael is confused for a second before he follows Calum’s gaze. Oh.
“Let him.” Michael says, not really caring.
“You don’t have to take my side Mikey.” Calum plays with the sand between his feet, picking it up and letting them fall between his fingers.
“Oh you think I’m taking you side?” Michael asks loudly. Calum elbows his side and looks around to see if any of their friends outside the band heard him. Everyone is still talking about how great the beer around here is.
“Gee, Calum. I’m not taking anyone’s side.” Michael says, this time his voice softer. “I just genuinely think he’s being a dick.” Michael states and Calum chuckles. “If he can make the choice of being the dick he’s more than capable of making the choice between getting shitfaced or not.” Michael continues as they watch Luke take another shot and chase it with his beer.
“I still worry about him,” Calum admits,
“No one is expecting for you to not. He’s still your friend and you are in a band with him. It’s okay to worry about him,” Michael assures.
“You don’t get it Mikey. He hurts me everyday by being with her. He hurts me when he’s around and he hurts me when he’s not. He hurts me when he opens his mouth to sing songs we’ve written, he hurts me all the time. And the sick thing is I still want him. I’d take him back within the time my heart takes to beat the next. I’d take him back if he wants me to. Now tell me that’s okay if you can.” Michael wants to slap Calum and hug him until he doesn’t sound like this anymore, at the same time.
Michael opens his mouth to say something but he doesn’t really know what he’s going to say so he closes it again. Both of them stares at the ground in silence for a while before Michael finds it in him to speak. “It’s not Cal, it’s not okay to feel like that after all he’s done. I guess feelings don’t take what’s okay and what’s not into consideration, then. Feelings just make you feel.” Michael thinks he’s probably not making sense, but he has no idea how to make sense of it for Calum.
“Thanks Mikey, I’m just going to take a walk.” Calum stands up and shakes the sand off his athletic shorts. He needs to get away before he cries in front of his friends.
Nobody says anything as he walks away although he hears Michael speak up when he was about twenty feet away, his voice being carried by the wind going towards the ocean. Calum walks towards a rock he’s been eyeing since they got here. It’s huge, spanning the beach until the ocean but he’s sure there must be something behind it. He goes into the ocean a bit so he could go around it. He’s right about there being something behind it. It’s a piece of the beach, its end, isolated from the rest by the rock. It’s the size of a hotel room and Calum feels like he’s back at the many hotel rooms he has found himself in after their shows, trying to tell himself that what he’s feeling is okay, that it’s just him coming down from the high of performing. Except this time there’s no high and he still feels like he’s plummeting down.
He pats his pockets down for his pack of cigarettes and panics when he realizes it’s not there. His chest tightens and he feels himself inhale faster, trying to get air into his lungs but they won’t come. He wipes furiously at his eyes, not knowing when he started crying. He drops on the sand and pulls his legs to his chest, hugging them, trying to stop himself from shaking.
“Are you looking for this?” Calum startles. Luke walks towards him, swaying with each step. Calum’s worried he’d trip on one of the rocks and hit his head on them if he falls but his chest is still tight and he’s still chasing every breath.
Luke realizes this so he runs a bit, tripping only when he’s at Calum’s side. Luke puts his head between his hands and talks to him but he can’t hear what he’s saying. He reaches for the pack of cigarettes in Luke’s hand. Instead of giving it to him, Luke shakes one out and puts it in between his mouth. Calum doesn’t know when he got his lighter from him but he does and he leans his head towards Luke’s hand so he can light the cigarette between his mouth for him. He inhales just as the tip touches the flame and he physically felt his lungs open up as some of the smoke enters it. Luke’s eyes are wide, his pupils consuming almost all of the blue, and his skin is pale bathed in moonlight. Luke’s hand is on his cheek, just touching lightly.
Suddenly, Luke removes the cigarette from his mouth, pressing his lips against his, sucking the air from his mouth. He feels the smoke he is yet to blow out come with it. “Breathe Calum, damn it.” Luke clenches Calum’s shirt in between his fist, resting it against his chest. Luke presses his lips against Calum’s a few more times saying please each time before Calum inhales a huge gulp of air. Luke holds his breath until Calum releases his so they breathe out the same time.
Luke nuzzles his face against Calum’s neck, resting his cheek against his shoulder.
“Luke what are you doing?” Calum asks, picking up the still lighted cigarette and nurses it.
“I need you,” He says against the skin of Calum’s neck.
“You made your choice,” he reminds Luke.
Luke shifts and sits in front of Calum, his legs on either side of him and Calum’s on either side of Luke’s. He moves closer until their pelvis are almost touching. He leans in and captures Calum’s lips, kissing him deeper, deeper until he’s tasted all of him. “Taste in your tongue” he says breathless. “Smoke in your lungs,” Calum groans as Luke kisses the skin just under his ear, his beard scratching the side of his jaw.
They say at the same time.
Luke kisses down Calum’s neck until he reaches the base of his throat and uses the tip of his tongue to trace a straight line up Calum’s neck until his bottom lip. Calum has to hold onto Luke’s shoulders to stop himself from falling back. Calum opens his mouth as Luke bites down his neck, his hand moving to Luke’s own. And that’s when he felt it. Two chains cold against his hand.
He pushes against Luke’s chest forcefully, standing up as fast as he can. Luke traps his legs between his own and hugs them, resting his cheek against Calum’s knees.
“Please don’t walk away,” He cries.
“You have a choice everyday Luke, and you keep wasting it.”
Luke’s grip loosens and Calum walks away.
