the scorpion king is openly bisexual

Wait I’ve never watched doctor who I thought this was a porno.

it’s a kids show

we still have today

its like. thats his truck and hes ordering from a drive through at 12am

chicken samwich and scratch my butt please.

what is this, a vending machine for ants?

ants need to stay hydrated too

Don’t drink from me or my son ever again. 

World Heritage Post

Can the person who said this kindly follow through with ur promise pls because I’m so over it 😂😂😂

finding out picasso died in 1973 feels like the fakest thing ive ever heard. everyone talks about him like he lived in a cave with nothing but a torch and paint he made from berries or bear shit or somethin but nah this dude probably sat down watchin looney tunes thinkin “damn i should draw some dude with a nose on his forehead thatd be dope” i feel so lied to

Admitting my star sign was a mistake.

“Oh, so that’s why you are they way you are. You’re two fire signs ruled over by water!”

Pretty sure it’s just the ADHD.

A fun thing to do whenever someone asks you your sign is to lie about your birthday. It still means listening to them attempt to explain your entire personality badly for a few minutes, but then you can undercut them as soon as it gets too annoying. 

So, for a while I was doing mailroom/account followup work for a nonprofit, and on my firt day there, one of the ladies, “Debbie” asked me when my Birthday was. Assuming she was planning office Birthday parties, I told her.

The next day she came in with my ENTIRE star chart with personality tropes, life advice, predicitons for my future and so on. Now, I don’t go in for Astrology but I can tell when someone is making a well-meaning gesture and I can say “Thank you” and shut up.

Especially because I told her the Wrong Birthday.

See, my birthday is in the middle of a cluster of a whole bunch of family birthdays and growing up I used to have to share my Birthday with my older cousins and while that’s not really a big deal (even fun if you’re older) it kinda sucks when you’re five and none of your cousins share your interests.

So mom made a deal with me: We’d celebrate my “Un-Birthday” in January, when nobody else in the family has a birthday or anything else, and the “real” birthday would be my Cousin’s. I got my own birthday and they got a second party and it was fun.

As I got older, I just started using my Un-Birthday for everything except paperwork, becuase January is boring and bereft of holidays except the one that’s really part of Xmas these days. On paperwork, I put my real one, but I’ve been celebrating my birthday in the wrong month for over 25 years now, and didn’t think about it when she asked, and told her my Un-Birthday.

And for a few weeks everything was fine.

But Debbie had a RIVAL.

Another woman in the office “Sharon” was also big into Astrology and was convinced Debbie was Doing It Wrong, so when she was going over payroll, she saw my Legal Birthday, realized Debbie had filled out the chart wrong, and then proceded to drag Debbie on the company facebook group, and a bunch of astrology groups they were both in.

I found out when I came in three days later from a long weekend and Debbie burst into tears and sobbed “HOW COULD YOU LIE TO MEEEEEE???”

After an extremely garbled recounting by our coworkers, a talk with my manager about “Hey yeah I don’t think it’s Legal for Sharon to take my name and date of birth from Payroll and put it all over facebook?”, the manager had a talk about “I know you are all over 50 but this is NOT WHAT THE COMPANY FACEBOOK IS FOR”, Sharon was ‘removed from the premesis’ and I finally got to sit down with Debbie.

I explained the slip-up and how I sort of have two birthdays and think of the January Birthday is my “Real” one.

Debie looked up from where she’d been sobbing into her tissue all morning, realization dawning on her less like the illumination of the sun and more like a baby sea turtle headed in the wrong direction because of light Pollution.

“Oh!” She said “You’re TRANS-ZODIAC! You might have been born as an Aries, but you’re really a Capricorn!”

As someone who’s been hit by a minivan and gotten a minor skull fracture from it, I’m pretty sure hearing that sentence gave me more brain damage.

“Sure Debbie.”

You know, I had no idea where this ride was going to take us, but of all the outcomes I expected, that was not it.

What, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck.

Debbie was a kind woman with room in her heart for all the people of the world and the critical thinking skills of a Sea Cucumber.

i am stupid but smart at the same time in the same way dogs are very good learners but will still eat grass ravenously until they get sick and will run into glass doors

I am a WHORE for “the love is requited, they’re both just idiots”

Reblog this fat happy boy for a good night sleep tonight

Nothing bad happens if you don’t! Just a cute good luck charm

He brings no harm, only good fortune and good dreams

I don't know that I've ever seen someone make the Aardman Grimace in real life.

Truly a masterclass in harrowingly strained enthusiasm!