diary of a nobody.

okay so recently i've been challenging myself to take a few photos w/o a filter everytime i go to take a photo of myself.

one of these photos is one from today when i went to my old sober living house & one of my favourite staff members asked if she could take a photo of me to show my old caseworker how good i look & have been doing lol. my eyes are half closed & you can tell that i'm nearly bowlegged lol but whatever.

i'm posting this because for the past few years it was terrifying for me to even think about posting a photo w/o a filter. even just taking the photo alone was ew to me. it became a cycle where i'd use the filter to feel better but i found that i started to hate my real face more & more to the point where even filtered me was no longer good enough.

& i know at some point after posting these i'm going to have an overwhelming urge to delete this post. this is me saying i won't do it no matter how strong the urge & shame becomes.

lol looking at the photos again just now i already feel a pit in my stomach, like i shouldn't post it.

but body dysmorphia has taken away so much from me & my life. it's plagued me for so long i can't think of any other way to fight it & decondition myself so i can finally live life without hating what i look like & letting that hold me back from opportunities & even just taking photos with people i love to remember good times. it's insane how much i've let it control me & for how long.

anyway. i guess i just wanna say that it might sound stupid or like i'm fishing for compliments but i'm legitimately mentally ill & my perception of self is incredibly skewed. so this is really hard for me & i probably won't completely stop using filters but right now this is a step forward. posting this is an act of rebellion against the voices in my head that tell me i'll never be good enough because it's a lie. i've never not been enough. & i don't want to waste my life believing that lie.

i know no one's going to read all this & that's okay. this blog is a diary to me & this is an entry worth writing about.

if you have bpd or know that nature of the disorder you will understand how meaningful these words are to me.

the way i handle my bpd as someone with 6 years sober & 1 relapse, is much, much different than the demonic, destructive, hateful, dominant, emotionally abusive person i used to turn into when triggered into a blind rage.

i'm not fully healed from it. i'd say i'm halfway there. but having a boyfriend like this who loves me through it all & never takes my angry words personal, holds me accountable, allows me chances to repair the damage i've done while empathizing for the state i am in when triggered & feeling sad that i'm suffering while i'm being mean to him? i'll be an explosive, rude, mean, angry brat & all jeff sees is a wounded child in me crying & begging to be pulled out of the water i'm drowning in.

he understands two of me exist within this one body. he understands i can't control "her" though i'm still to be held accountable for what "she" does as "she" is still a part of me. he sees the real me with a heart of gold & endless capacity for sweetness & love. he knows "she" is just the wounded child in me fighting to protect me from harm even if it's to my detriment & at the cost of ruining meaningful relationships.

he works with me through it. he reassures me he loves me & will not abandon me. that i'm his one & only. he disciplines "her" which is me, being an ill tempered, hateful brat. & "she" submits to him which like i said, is not in my control.

i'll lash out & say "i don't fucking like you right now. you're irritating me. i feel like i hate you right now. go fuck your other dumb whores & leave me the fuck alone" & he is nothing but loving & stern when needed.

we talk about our future a lot & our plans to get married, have a baby, & for him to move to canada to be with me. he's reassured me i won't have to lift a finger while i'm pregnant. that he'd take care of baby fulltime if circumstances called for it. that post partum would be time he would take off work so i can focus on my mental health due to my history with PPD.

& on top of that i've never been more attracted to anyone in my fucking life & our sexual chemistry is insane.

i really got the whole entire deluxe package. jeff is my biggest blessing in this life (orion obviously is a given) & i can never show the depth of my gratitude for him.

i feel like the universe is finally done shitting on me & giving me what i suffered years to shape my character for. the person who deserves a more polished version of me & vice versa.

i'm just so fucking in love.

so, so in love.

never thought i could love this hard. never thought love like this even existed.

some people go their entire lives never finding this kind of love & i consider myself one of the very lucky ones.