No matter how bad I want you in my bed I know that you found somebody else to be there for you I’ll keep sleeping sideways in my empty bed to fill up the lonely space I’m just a kid with too much lonely space

• "you are so weird. can you ever just leave the room like a normal person?"
• "i don’t want a refund on you."
• "a plant wearing underwear would be better than you!"
• "i’m high on anxiety meds right now."
• "i am a child of divorce! i am delicate!"
• "oh good, you can hear me. now i know i’m not a ghost."
• "nobody’s getting pregnant tonight!"
• "boob season’s over for you!"
• "there is something serious i have to tell you about the future. the name of my first-born child needs to be reginald veljohnson."
• "when you put it like that, it sounds amazing…and like prison."
• "i got an obligation…at a…sandwich meeting…to go to."
• "you look like the little match girl wandering around victorian england selling matches…for a penny."
• "sorry to interrupt, i know the morning is the most sensual time of the day."
• "you’ve never been turned on by gas mileage?"
• "so i have good news from the doctor—you don’t have rabies."
• "oh, look at the time! it’s butt-o-clock!"
• "i’m having a party tonight and i can’t have him lying on the couch, wiping his tears with deli meat."
• "it’s early in the relationship. i’m still shaving above the knee."
• "i’m a mess, i can’t sleep, i urinate constantly. i cried the other day listening to a techno song."
• "i’m not convinced i know how to read, i’ve just memorized a lot of words."
• "i’m staying positive, but i’m pretty sure this is where we die."
• "life’s messy. it kicks you in the ass. that’s right, I said ass."
• "you question my pajamas? you make me question our entire friendship!"
• "i’m pretty sure I’m having a heart attack, and i haven’t arranged for anyone to clear my browser history."
• "you set fire to soda water. who does that? how do you even possibly do that? it’s not a flammable thing!"
• "i’m gonna take you…respectfully."
• "i’m gonna have to turn off the tap! the sex tap!"
• "have i ever made any decisions in my whole life? are we just living in the mind of a giant?"
• "please take that off, you look like a homeless pencil."
• "why are you wearing a suit? did you just apply for a loan or something?"
• "i feel like russel crowe in every movie he’s ever done."
• "i used to just think if i was proposed to i would notice it was happening."
• "does it say ‘share stuff’ in the constiution of america? no, i think not."
• "destiny might be a girl, but victory has a penis."
• "where are your nipples, man?"
• "i just wanted to listen to taylor swift alone!"
• "i saw him this morning and he just panic-moonwalked away from me."
• "let’s just suck it up and french a little."
• "been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. it’s like a taffy pole on a hot summer’s day."
• "they make shoes for your penis! they’re called pants!"
• "i can’t believe i’m the sober one. that’s actually never happened before in my life."
• "please do not angry-fix the sink."
• "you my boo and i been missing you."
• "i feel like i wanna murder someone and also i want soft pretzels."
• "can you believe the zoo wouldn’t let me borrow their white tiger?"
• "obama…."
• "first of all, you’re never gonna be old, humans are going to be immortal by 2006."
• "sandwiches and sex?! i want that!"
• "i want to rub my face on his face!"
• "are you sure you’re okay? you’re walking like a disney witch."
• "i’m like a sexual snowflake. each night with me is a unique experience."
• "this is a horrible neighborhood. there are youths everywhere!"
• "guess whose personalized condoms just arrived?"
• "damn it! i can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere!"
• "i hope you appreciate the fact that i have kept eye contact with you the whole time and have made no reference to the fact that you are practically naked."
• "are you like a bond villain? you just told me your whole plan."
• "why does your hair look so baby soft?!"
• "i sometimes touch the frayed part of the power cord just to feel something."
• "did you just make up a theme song for yourself?"
• "what?! what did you just say? go put a dollar in the jar right now."