Enough.

As I watch everyone drag their feet to the finish line of this semester, I feel proud of my friends and relieved that we somehow have made it to this point. This end of the semester sprint sneaks up on me every semester, but in light of recent events, I can't help but wonder...what's the deal with my finish line? Why am I so intently focused on crossing this imaginary dotted line in my own life, when I know that this line is simply one of a gazillion more, and that my version of this dotted line is not even close to the finish line of every single other person in this world?

I guess I'd like to think that I'm being paced. As a rather inconsistent runner, I don't claim to know much about running a marathon, but if I'm correct, the strategy is to not expend all of your energy at any given point, but to spread your strength evenly over the course of the run, with a final kick-in at the end. 

So, I'll examine this beaten-to-death marathon analogy in terms of what it looks like in my life right now. Theoretically, I should be living my life this way. I should feel just as strong and capable every single day of my life to deal with any situation, just as a trained marathon runner would have prepared in their training to weather the storm and avoid potholes.

But day after day after day, I know that I fall so, so short of that mark. Cue the empty, discouraging, joy-usurping cloud that awaits my admitting of inadequacy, my disappointment in my lack of knowledge and experience, and my lack of understanding and the capacity to truly be able to help others.  

Hello, roadblock. We meet again. Goodbye, imaginary dotted line. 

Why do I get so phased and stymied by the potholes?

Do I not expect them?

When I see others hitting a pothole, do I keep running or do I double back, only to also stare on the pothole they are stuck in or to get caught in the rain they are blindly stumbling through?

What is God's command to me in these situations?

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

Today, as I'm feeling the weight of so many others' heavy hearts, and wondering why I have yet to get caught in this resignation, I know that God wants me looking straight at Him. 

He's looking at me, watching me run to him in confusion and with doubt and with a multitude of questions. He wants nothing more than to love me, and welcomes me to his heart, word and love - but knows better than to give me all the answers. 

He knows that without Him, I am not enough to even be much of a help in these situations. 

He even points out that I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses - that I see His goodness in the land of the living in others every single day, in the smallest of places. 

Without Him, I'm running with no end destination. I'm chasing the imaginary dotted lines, that move when I briefly look away and never let me catch up. I'm chasing empty goals that bring me temporary fulfillment and selfish joy. I'm chasing success, vanity, and an inability to be His light in every situation. 

All I know is that running in the dark is going to lead to many more storms and potholes, and that when I'm in darkness, there's no end in sight. When I humbly sit at His feet, acknowledging that He is the finish, He is enough, it is here that I can begin loving others in a way that is meaningful and genuine. I can be action-oriented. I can be loving. I can be real. I can admit that I'm not enough to solve my own problems...or anyone elses'. 

I can also love someone enough to not know all the answers...and to continue the pace, not experience shock in the pothole.

Where do I run right now? To Psalm 46, a passage that never failed me this past summer as a camp counselor.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah Come, behold the works of the LORD, how he has brought desolations on the earth. He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the chariots with fire. “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah.

While my marathon training (both literally and metaphorically) is inconsistent, tumultuous, and exhausting, I know my reward, and I know that it is enough for me, always. 

grace all over the place,

eWg

By Grace

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.        ----Ephesians 2:8

I'm thankful for grace in my life: 

In the past few weeks, I've dove deeper in relationships, both new and old. I'm thankful for the grace that others show me as I attempt to love on them and also praying for continued grace as I continue to invest in others and open up to their investment in me. 

I think one of the things that I ponder most in this new, second-half-of-college phase is where will You lead me in this? Whether it's deciding what classes to take next semester or how I'm going to invest my time this semester, I want to stop gripping every single commitment till my knuckles are white. I want to be as happy to give my time to God as I am when I give my time to sleeping and catching up on my social media. I want to be giving in my friendships, with the mentality that I must decrease, while He and others must increase. I want to be quintessentially loving - I want love to burst out of me like sunbeams. I want my interactions to be full of love and attempted understanding. 

To quote Mr. Roald Dahl, one of my childhood favorites, 

if you have good thoughts, they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.

As I embark into the next week, I aim to be quite sunny, as a reflection of the light Christ shines through me, and to embrace His love with new fervor and excitement.

From the rising of the sun unto the going down of the same the LORD's name is to be praised.            ----Psalm 113:3

grace all over the place,

eWg

"When do you move back?" (When do I move forward?)

It seems that almost every acquaintance that I see out and about lately wants to know the answer to this question. "When do you go back to school?" "Are you excited to go back to school?" "Is this your last week home?" "Are you all packed up?" 

The answer to the question is easy to rattle off. "Yes! I'm super excited to get back to school and back to Columbus." 

This is a true statement. I'm ecstatic to return not only to a city that I love and friends who I've missed, but I'm eager to return to having a routine and a schedule; to scheduling every single hour of my day so I'm at maximum efficiency 24/7; to anticipating assignments and tasks at work; planning my weekends far in advance - basically, back to the control and "chronic planning" that I covet so much. I can't wait to schedule my Monday through Friday with devotions in the morning, lunch dates with friends, study time, and physical fitness and a proper diet (ok, with occasional ice cream moments).  

Note my use of the word control. I think that another reason that I am looking forward to going back is because I feel that being out of my school schedule and coming back from my summer job, I've really relaxed. Not that relaxing is bad - the sleep was needed and the free time appreciated - but some of the habits that I instituted during the school year and my summer as a camp counselor have felt like much more of a chore during this down time. Committing time to things like my physical fitness or diet or even sometimes my personal time with God has felt much more monotonous than I remember from my time at school or as a camp counselor. I'm realizing that I find it a lot easier to have self-control in these areas when I feel busier or more stressed - when I have ample time and opportunity to make the most of these areas, I find myself lazing around and struggling to get motivated. When I feel myself struggling to control everything else in my life during school times or busy times in my life, I gravitate toward these entities as a way of maintaining some kind of control...but when I'm relaxed and not constantly stimulated, my motivation suffers. I'm not proud of it, but sometimes I'm very convicted as a fair-weather fan in these areas. In my head this week when I've been asked these 'When do you go back?" questions, I've let myself off the hook with "Two more weeks, then I'll get myself back in shape and read my Bible and spend time in prayer every single morning" and "Once I'm back at school, I'll be in the right atmosphere and environment to be a better witness of Christ through my-day to-day life."

So why do I feel as if I have to wait to correct these things and make more out of my schedule until I go back to school? Why do I refuse to take advantage of His faithful new compassions and seize each day's second chance to turn it all around - right now?

Lamentations 3:22-26 says,

22 It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.

23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

24 The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

25 The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.

26 It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord.

Like it says in verse 23, God is faithful to me every single day. Regardless of how I treat Him as I cut myself excuses in my walk with Him, His love abounds and His forgiveness of me is promised - great is thy faithfulness! In verse 25, I am reminded that He is good to those who wait for Him, but that we also should be seeking Him every day. This area exactly is something that I'm holding out on - that I'm waiting to schedule in "when I go back." The accountability of my current schedule is nowhere near the accountability of my God, who never fails, who is present every day and fresh every morning. But if I wait to hold myself accountable until I reach a certain setting, group, or even season of my life, my walk with Christ is no better than running in a hamster ball that I can't get out of with no hope of reaching a slow-down point, as opposed to walking a winding path with a finite ending - my Savior. 

The answer here appears crystalline clear to me. We need to be done waiting for accountability. If we wait, we could spend our entire lives waiting. Accountability can't be secluded to certain settings, environments, and peer groups. Accountability shouldn't be something that we rely on buildings, people, or time tables to confine us to. Instead of waiting to be held accountable, we must challenge ourselves individually with these compassions that are new every morning, and rely on our Creator's mercies and strength when we falter in our actions. We can't hold others accountable until we hold ourselves accountable first, but first, we have to remember that truly, we are accountable to Him before anyone. He is blameless, and as we seek to be like Him, this is our aim also.

Ultimately, we will fall short of these promises to ourselves and each other. "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23 KJV) However, these places where we struggle and are weak are the places that God wants to show us His love the most, and wants us to love Him back with accountability that only He will ever be able to know or judge...in a personal relationship. 

So, what will I be doing tomorrow? Funny you should ask. Morning time spent in my Bible and a walk are definitely on the agenda.

What are you doing tomorrow? If I could ask you tomorrow if you've accomplished that task, I would. Instead, I urge you to join me in a renewed quest for accountability with Christ - the only one who will truly, without question be able to know if we walked toward Him in faith with our struggles in accountability. 

Grace all over the place,

eWg

Tiptoeing onto the branch - going out on a limb

"I should really try my hand at blogging."

"I loved reading that blog. I could do that."

"This article/verse/post/conversation/occasion/thing I saw today would be an excellent thing to blog about."

"Goodness gracious, I really wish I would start this blog."

"eWg, start your blog."

"Do it."

"Really. Do it."

-me the past six months

...so, here I am.

If I really think about it, there are a few reasons that I'm ready to start this adventure in blog-writing. (This will live up to the "lists" mentioned in my title.)

I'm going to try my hand at blogging because...

1) I'm ready for some accountability in taking time for myself. Blogging at least once a week can be something that I do to relax (writing as relaxing? yes, absolutely!) and collect my thoughts. Free writing is a hobby that I've gotten away from.

2) I'm excited to share my journey with others. What better way to share God's truth, His work in my life, my curiousity and discoveries, and the rest of the tidbits that bounce around in my head? Maybe from my rambling and seeking, you will be encouraged/curious/provoked in thought/unsettled/challenged/insert emotion or state here. 

3) I'm practicing what I'm preaching. What better way to prove to my future Language Arts students that writing doesn't have to be methodized, standardized, mandated, or just plain boring? I'm all about promoting creativity and free thought. So eWg's future students -  see? Writing doesn't automatically mean essays. Writing is putting the pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and airing out that brain of yours. 

4) I'm inspired. I love reading articles on Relevant, and I also know a blogger or two who I enjoy hearing from (Miss Jordan Penix at The Tart Peach and Miss Emily Anderson at Lionhearted). I'm ready to jump in the mix.

Most importantly...

5) I'm seeking. Jeremiah 29:13 says "And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart." Friends, I'm the furthest from having it figured out, but through God's love and grace, I get a fighting chance at life every day and the promise of life everlasting when I wake up. This search for my Creator promises to be fruitful if I seek Him with my whole heart, so that's what I intend to do, and I aim to be transparent as I navigate this world. I'd love to hear about your searches, lives and dreams - after all, we are seeking side by side.

My personal devotions have been in 1 John lately, and the command to love one another is repeated numerous times. I leave you this Saturday morning with this - I love you dearly, reader! I plan to love you through word and truth by sticking to this commitment I've set for myself and also by sharing His love in this venue, along with other thoughts and ponderings. Here we go!

Grace all over the place,

eWg