2018
So, it’s been a while. Like, a long while. I kind of debated whether I should post here or not, seeing that I wasn’t active until That Day. But I decided I needed to this, because a part of me is forever tied to this website. TW: 12/18/2017
2018 was tough for the obvious reason. I had to continue living without someone who had irreplaceable became a part of me. I didn’t really cry, it was more that felt a numb pain. Instead I saw my anguish in other ways. I would scratch myself in my sleep to the point where I would wake up bleeding. I would begin crying at minor inconveniences that wouldn’t have bothered me before. I would withhold information from my boyfriend in case he would worry. Still, I got better and I learned to adapt and one I look back 2018 wasn’t in fact terrible, but really really good.
I celebrated two years with my boyfriend and I saw him a lot more often than I had in the previous year, strengthening our relationship. I made a lot of friends, definitely more than my previous years in colleges, and finally found people I would consider close to. I found a job on campus and I even did an internship. I went to China and discovered that I can actually get by with my Mandarin. I discovered new music and got into more girl groups.
Still the lingering pain remained. When Poet|Artist was released, there was a time that was all I could listen to. Then, something changed and I could not listen to his solo songs anymore. This continued until the end of 2018. I also hestitated to listen SHINee’s releases for this year. I eventually did, but I couldn’t bring myself to buy any merch because I couldn’t accept seeing them as 4.
The catalyst I believe for this year was just a month ago. I was juggling 20 units and working while trying to keep a social life. I found out I got a C- on my midterm for one of my “easy classes.” I have never dont that badly on a midterm since sophomore year. I cried. I cried really hard. I felt like a failure. Then I blamed Jonghyun. I blamed him for not being there as my support and making me deal with everything on my own. I cried because he was the person I would always lean on, but now, whenever I listened to his music, I would get sad. I think that was the time I truly confronted my feelings about him.
The quarter turned out to pretty great despite the setback. I got a B+ in that class and got A’s in my other 4, with two being A pluses. Obviously, I don’t honestly blame Jonghyun for his decision , but I was just so angry. So here is my resolution for 2019.
2019 I am gonna work on me and learn how to use Jonghyun’s support in a different way. I hope to eventually be able to comfortably listen to his music again and fully support the other SHINee members.
I want to continue to grow with SHINee as they will always be a part of me.
Best, Jenia
henkeai reblogged
“actually every year when my birthday comes, what i feel is that, ‘each year, nothing much has changed.’”
while you feel like nothing has changed, more and more people fall in love with you every single day. you become more and more talented, more and more successful, and you gain more and more love. with each passing day, you make more and more people smile. you deserve the world, kim jonghyun. happy birthday ♥
Jonghyun covering “This Woman’s Work” is so beautiful, i started crying. It’s so beautiful in fact, that’s it’s blocked in Korea. I know a lot of you guys haven’t seen it, because if we had, we wouldn’t be able to shut up about it. Watching this would be 4 minutes of your life well spent.
henkeai reblogged
Jonghyun wrote Lee Hi’s Breathe to comfort and help people during hard times… but he was the one who needed it the most… Rest in peace Kim Jonghyun.
henkeai reblogged
Is there anyone out there, from our Blue Night family, that is crying alone tonight? Not crying out of pity for something or someone, but instead because they cannot help asking why they are living in the way that they are? Is there anyone that is feeling sentimental or guilty, needlessly? Don’t be like that. I hope that you believe that these bitter days of crying alone will prove to be the most beautiful days of your life. You’ll realize, with time, that your life is actually pretty alright. I promise you. In fact, I’ll write you a guarantee! The most beautiful thing in all the world is right now. This moment. You. Don’t ever forget that.
Jonghyun’s closing words on ‘Blue Night’ on the 11th March, 2014. (via hwaitinghwaiting)
to everyone startled by the news of jonghyun
please remember jonghyun for what he is and not for what he did.
please remember him for the laughter and the smiles he brought forth.
please remember him for his musicality and his persistent hard work.
and please, please remember that he wouldn’t have wanted the same fate on you.
some jonghyun moments i never want to forget
- standing up for lgbt students and minorities at large by amplifying their voices, but doing so respectfully (dec 2013)
- reflecting on his appreciation for hero movies… ‘i have to protect my world’ (mar 2013)
- receiving boxes of listerine after a joke comparing his deja-boo suit colors to listerine flavors went viral, during base promotions (feb 2015)
- comforting a fan who was self-conscious about her name with a handwritten note at a shinee fansign (may 2015)
- going to comfort a crying key during shinee’s concert at tokyo dome, but ending up crying himself (early 2015)
- speaking playfully with a male listener on blue night radio (may 2015)
- mentioning his gratitude for fans and listeners in creating a safe space with blue night radio (july 2015)
- discussing his conversation with taemin about “gender roles, prejudices and negative views about artists, etc.” when writing pretty boy for taemin ft. kai on blue night radio (aug 2015)
- personally supporting radio guest baek young ok on blue night radio in her efforts to bring sanitary pads to low-income girls (mar 2017)
there are so many more moments to include but i wanted to hold onto these for sure. jonghyun, you were a celebrity like no other. i cant imagine a world without you. i wish you’d gotten to known how many hearts and minds you touched with your voice, your songwriting, and just by being yourself.
blue night radio - 150830 jonghyun: i think it’s okay to feel lost in your life. i think it’s okay not to reach that final goal (in your life). you may earn things while being lost or could make something out of it through the emotions you feel. i think it should be your judgement. you don’t have to make someone else judge the satisfaction of your life. i hope that you don’t feel too anxious about feeling lost in your life. (source: thatcoolcatmeow)
kim jonghyun → favorite quotes
Jonghyun was one of the most thoughtful artists I’ve ever followed. His support for the lgbt community and his advocacy for mental health has been a beacon of hope in an industry that denies both. I can’t even put in words how much he will be missed and how much this hurts.