What’s life like

all the cracks

it bursts into bleakness

it drips from my skin

and swallows me into the abyss

since i was young

the questions could never be answered

why do we keep on going

i can’t take this darkness

the surface seems to drift away the more I reach

stepping forward is upside down

I’m sinking into the ground

and seek refugee in my sleep

I fill on my time with all I get

So I can get this image out of my head

The blood

The neck

And the knife

Blured life, grey eyes

seriously why people don’t see that there is no fucking point??

being able to enjoy life while being sober is a fucking accomplishment

I wanna get lost inside my mind

Even if its just a self inflicted dissociation/derealization

That’s how I feel safe, thats how I feel like myself and that’s how I feel like I’m not lost

I found myself in escaping reality through my mind.

And this is what makes me happy, this is what gives me purpose.

C Em

how long was i high last year?

i was smoking everyday so, was i high actually throughout the whole day?

was this why life was so hard, going through “withdrawal”?

i can take 7 fucking pills on the whole day, but nothing will make me happier than a fucking joint

wtf

fuck

now i remember why this shit is so adictive

i literally spent 2h without suffering wtf

didnt even know this was possible

now i know how i got through last year

fuck

lifes so fucked up

fuck

I cant believe i stayed 4 months straight sober wtf

trying to forget you is so hard

You told me Id still be a part of your life

You told me we would always stay together

This pain in my chest

I never felt this before

I try to convice myself it doesn’t matter

But I can’t help to feel

I cant understand how i fell desperately in love with you

Because that’s not me

I don’t fall for men

I don’t suffer for men

Yet here I am

Suffering

I try to understand how it got to this point

If it’s my mental illness

Or if it’s just plain love

Or most likely both

But all I know

Is that I’m in pain

I want to be with you

Nothing ever made me feel as happy as you did

But still, I was never actually happy

All my life I’ve been seeking for a purpose

If that’s a defense mechanism from what I felt when I was 14

A time when I couldn’t understand anything

All my life, I lived through lies

And yet, all I feel, is your lost

After 10 years, I started to let myself feel

I stopped manipulating my feelings

And now I’m overwhelmed

I can’t live properly

I need my time

But my time is pain

So I wonder, is this all I feel?

Pain?

So many thoughts crosses my mind

And yet, all I think about is you

I love you

I wish I didn’t feel this

I wish I could control it

But, will it be good for me?

Controlling myself, like I always did

But now, I don’t even think I have a choice

I just distract myself

From the feeling of loss

And how I wanted you

I didn’t even think feeling this was possible

80h sober

its crazy how we want and dont want to stay sober at the same time

staying sober is so hard

“I will not die sober”

— Wolf of Wall Street

I hope ur not lying to me

Why do i only write songs when im sad? I can never write about happy things