Literally can’t believe we recently lived in a world where the 🥺 emoji didn’t exist. Platos cave

im still in the cave

I want a boy who worships me like i worship him. I am his everything, just as he is mine. Please. Demand my affections, melt at my touch. I want to love you! Let me love you, please please please

I want a boy with fat nuts

what are you planning, nutsacktorturer

(youtube ver)

Steve Harvey, walking forward: [audience cheering and clapping] YES!!! KILL!!!!!! [board changes, with a ding, to reveal the word “KILL”]

Hold on I have to google 3 things

Yeah this is pretty funny

this is so random but does anybody remember that one mchanzo fic back in the golden days and it was like an au younger version and like in the beginning they like met at a synthetic beach and then like they ended up hating each other and like the last chapter they wrote there was an airport involved?? im not sure abt that part but they never finished it and then like deleted it pls somebody tell me they know what the hell im talkin abt

no like im begging one of yall this fic lives rent free in my mind i just need to have a little small piece of it im begging

Found a dozen eggs in the middle of the woods. Still cold even though it's a hundred degrees outside. Is this a faerie trick?

My coworkers to me this morning: Oh, glad to see you're still alive!

Me: After getting stung by wasps?

Them: No, after eating Bush Eggs.

excuse me tumblr user Draconym? you belong to the Fae now

I didn't eat all twelve eggs because I gave one to my bird; surely that should protect me at least somewhat from being bound by the Fairy Queen?

Everyone's supportive when life gives you lemons but then as soon as the forest starts handing out eggs everybody's a critic

crazy 2 think tht I'm just a series of posts in someones phone screen

ahah. Let Me Out <3

who’s indulging tonight??

i said who the FUCK is indulging tonight??

how shits gonna be in 3 weeks after everyones been stickin ants in the microwave

imagine being the kind of sick twisted freak whose favorite burner is the top right one

Yall still have favorite burners in 2018?

are you trapped in some kind of time prison

your man doesn’t have the mental strength to caramelize onions 

your man thinks it takes 5-10 minutes to caramelize onions

Who’s fucking carmelizing onions?

Have you sociopaths forgotten that apples exist?

do you think caramelizing onions is putting caramel on onions

girls will say they "know a spot" then take you to the sacrificial altar

girls will tell you "there's this really great place, it's a bit of a walk but it's worth it" then lead you to the middle of the forest and leave you there

did something happen

can i get back to you on that one? i'm kind of being hunted for sport rn

Seymour Tapir Please Sniff My Neckk

Delete

I Sent This To The Wrong Preson Delete Delete

Pope Frangis. If You Are Real. Please Delete This

I wish I could terrorize ancient people with things that are commonplace today

releasing a roomba into the greek forums