The way time passes.
Logging into this old account and going through all my tumblrs dedicated to different things has changed me.
Reflecting on my relationship with Bri, the heartbreak of Miraida, and the back and forth with India is so eye opening.
Every time I go through a break up, there's a part of me that always thinks it's the same.
This time felt different.
I really felt like I would be a little bit sad for the rest of my life.
But on the other hand, this is the healthiest I've ever been post break up.
I’m not self harming. I am not spiraling. I am not so depressed that I can’t eat. Im still existing day to day, which I didn't really think was possible.
In the last week, Ive taken time to realize all the little parts of myself that I compromised. Wanting Kids, Wanting a proposal, wanting marriage, talking without stressing that I was too “loud”.
Figuring out my feelings has been the hardest part about this whole situation. Struggling with my self worth to the point, that I even thought I could excuse cheating AGAIN, is hard to accept. I think its hard to know that I loved someone for almost 5 years, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with them, and they so easily cheated on me with no remorse, no regret. That shit sucks..
And for a while, I was nothing other than sad. But once I took a step back, it was really easy to know that I want to be with someone who wouldn't cheat on me. That wouldn't even put themselves in a situation to cheat on me, AND lie about it. The truth is, not cheating on someone is VERY easy.
I think I also spent a lot of time in the last 5 years, wanting to fit a mold that was worthy of Bo’s love.
That's something that has added to the complexity of my emotions this last month.
When I am with Jerod, I am authentically myself. He literally met me when I was 16. I think at the core of it, that makes such a difference. We were friends, and he met me as an adult when I was fully in love with someone else.
He’s never once tried to change my idea of something or mold who I am. He loves me so gently, and also he loves me as myself. As my heart broken, struggling with her identity, struggles to take her meds everyday, self. Every day I have to remind myself that maybe I do deserve to be loved in such an authentic way, maybe I do deserve to be a passenger princess, maybe I do deserve to just be - with no expectations. I’ve always wanted to be with someone who I can so obviously know that they love me no questions asked, and when I think about the fact that Jerod makes sure to tell me he loves me every time he calls me, its a reminder that a love like that can exist.
Truthfully, I don't know what Im doing with my life. I don't know when this house will be sold. Where I'll be living. What my job will be. And what the future holds for Jerod and I, and me and/or anyone else.
But I do know that I deserve to be loved in an authentic and true way. That I want to be loved in a way that whomever Im with couldn't fathom cheating on me, and doesn't struggle to admit that I'm important to them. I want to be with someone who wants to build a life together, and isn't scared to make that a reality.