Good night clowns and jesters.. fuck blue lives

hot 

its called a nintendo switch because you have to switch the power on to play games on it

ok but imagine a roomba that’s programmed to react positively when being scratched or petted 

#or a roomba that’s programmed to recognize their owner and drive up to them for no other reason than to be petted

roomba company, please make this happen

I have a Neato Botvac that has an optical sensor to find its way around (Roombas just bump into things and derps off in a random direction) and yesterday it did its “dee-dummm” sad noise while under the couch, stopped what it was doing, and hummed over to me and stopped beside my chair, with its error message saying, “Please dust me off so I can see.” I wiped it off and sent it on its way, and it did its “doo doo do doooo!” of happiness and finished the living room. It’s never done that before, but I like to think that I’ve gained its trust over the past few months, and it knows it can come to me for help.

JESUS?? 

JESUS????

i had no idea they were so frickin huge

I love them so much because they’re about as sharp as a baseball and their anatomy is ridiculous to the point of them literally being classified as plankton for years because they just sort of get blown around by the ocean and look confused, but because they lay more eggs than ANY OTHER VERTEBRATE IN EXISTENCE, evolution can’t stop them

Why is no big predator coming and gnawing on them?

Their biggest defense is that they’re massive and have super tough skin, but they do get hunted by sharks or sea lions sometimes and they just sort of float there like ‘oh bother’ as it happens

Even funnier, because they eat nothing but jellyfish they’re really low in nutritional value anyway, so they basically survive by being not worth eating because they’re like a big floating rice cracker wrapped in leather.

So basically the only reason natural selection hasn’t taken care if them is because they are the most useless fish

yes, they’ve perfected uselessness to the point of being unstoppable

a true inspiration

Easy peasy kill me pleasy

when my friend found out her boyfriend of three years was cheating on her she went through his phone, took pictures of every interaction he had with another girl, printed them out, wrote down where she had been at every instance and what lies he had told her about where he would be, and put them in a folder. when she confronted him and he denied everything she pulled out this big ass folder and just said “lets review” and Honestly, that is the most iconic thing anyone has ever done.

HOW HE TREATS YOU IS HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU. DONT TRY TO DECODE IT OR MAKE EXCUSES ITS SIMPLE. IF HE ACTS LIKE HE DOESNT CARE, HE DOESNT CARE.

reblog and make a wish! this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S BACK ON MY DASH.

THIS SHIT WORKS OKAY, I AM DEAD SERIOUS.

The last time I saw this on my dash, I didn’t think it would happen, so jokingly I wished I could go to a fun. concert.

AND GUESS WHAT, I WENT TO A FUCKING FUN. CONCERT.

THIS SHIT WORKS, TRY IT.

YOOOOOOO

I SAW THIS ON MY DASH THE OTHER DAY AND THOUGHT “ITS WORTH A TRY” SO I WISHED I COULD GET A 3DS

LITERALLY LIKE 4 DAYS LATER MY DAD SENT ME A PICTURE OF THE 3DS XL HE BOUGHT FOR ME WHILE I WAS AT SCHOOL

IM STILL FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS

holy fuck, I didn’t expect this to work, I was like psh, whatever it’s just a quick reblog, but I wished my Dad would actually respond back to me AND HE FUCKING DID A FEW DAYS LATER, I GOT A FUCKING TEXT FROM MY DAD TODAY WHO HASN’T SPOKEN OR RESPONDED TO ME IN MONTHS HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THIS MAGIC IT WORKS. 

I WANTED TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND AND I DIDN’T THINK I’D GET DAYS OFF BUT THIS WEEKEND I’M HEADING UP THERE??? THIS IS CRAZY SHIT 

SO LIKE I JOKINGLY WISHED FOR MY OWN LEN KAGAMINE AND THEN LIKE A WEEK LATER I GOT A LEN NENDOROID??? H ELP

WTF OKAY SO THIS SHOT ACTUALLY WORKS BECAUSE WHEN I WISHED, I HAD WISHED MY CRUSH WOULD LIKE ME BACK AND GUESS WHAT? I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW. WHAT THE HELLLLL?????

ok I’ve said this before but IM DOING IT AGAIN THE FIRST TIME I SAW THIS, MY WISH DID COME TRUE SO I REBLOGED AGAIN AND SAID IT IN THE TAGS BUT THEN I WISHED FOR SMTH ELSE AND IT LITERALLY LITERALLY HAPPENED LIKE A COUPLE DAYS LATER WHAT THE HELL SO NOW IM WRITING THIS HERE FOR YOU BC I DONT BELIEVE IN THIS CRAP BUT STILL IT’S AN AWFULLY BIG COINCIDENCE

OKAY I SWEAR TO GOD THIS THING WORKS YOU HAVE TO PATIENT BC I WISHED THAT I COULD MOVE AWAY FROM MY SHITTY TOWN TO A WARM PLACE AND GUESS WHAT THIS JULY IM MOVING TO NORTH CAROLINA OKAY GUYS IM NOT MAKING THIS UP I AM SO CONFUSED ACTUALLY THIS IS GREAT BYE

too many comments, cant pass it up lol

i wished my parents bought me an golden retriever (dog)

you know what trope pisses me off the most? when the protag is pointing a gun at somebody and they’re like “you won’t do it. you’re too good” and the person holding the gun is like oh shit i am and they slowly lower the gun while the other person laughs. WHAT THE FUCK. if i were there, and somebody told me “you won’t do it” i would immediately shoot them dead without hesitating. who are you to tell me what i wont do. musty bitch

disney: mulan live action movie

me:

disney:

me:

💕for all pedophiles/maps/nops having a hard time💖

good i hope it gets worse for you and you end up getting hit by a bus

When you realize your friend is a geek

where’s his fuckin oscar i swear to god

— The correct way to refer to anyone younger than you (via guy)