Rediscovered Joy
Since I've been at university I've not felt God's presence at all. Last year, during my first year, I barely went to church and made quite a few hurtful (to myself and God) mistakes. This year I realised that I want to and need to get back to God. However, I just felt like I was living a dual life: Sundays I had this mask of the happy Christian, I had quite shallow conversations at church and then, for the rest of the week, I continued without God not reading my Bible or praying alone. I was angry at God for not speaking to me or revealing his presence to me though, with hindsight, I can see that I wasn't making a true whole-hearted effort to contact Him. I was also angry for various occurrences in the past and used my anger as an excuse for sin. Deep down I didn't really want to change, I convinced myself I was having fun and living the student life that all students “should” experience, like it was some sort of entitlement to fun that God or church was trying to take away from me. I still believed in God, but I was completely dead in my faith. I also didn't feel like I was making true friends because I didn't really know my identity -- it wasn't in Jesus anymore, it was a free-running concept. I couldn’t figure myself out, let alone how people could try and figure me out.
But this weekend taught me to find my identity in Jesus. I began finally and truly opening up to him, letting go of my anger which I had held for so long over something so small. I started to admit my sin and began to see why it was a sin in the first place which allowed me to truly repent, which I hadn’t been doing before. It was a sin because it was against what God wanted for me, and all he wants is just the best for me. He has made His desires the desires of my heart now so that I want to live a holy life with him and no longer see His “rules” as rules and restrictions to freedom, but rather their own freedom from the vicious circle of sin that does not satisfy or make you feel good. He wasn’t trying to take away my “entitlement to fun” and present me with some boring, safe life that is unappealing to me. Quite the opposite, I had the most fun weekend I’ve had in a long time and felt so connected and comfortable with the people around me. And the life he has planned for me is not boring or safe, it will be an adventure, an adventure with him to help others by fulfilling their needs but also but trying to show them that they can receive and share the same joy I have now rediscovered.