I haven't posted in nearly two years so here's an update

I'm a mom now and a queen to a 3 month old goddess named Athena

I fucking drive and have a car

I dance for them bands 🍑💰👑

I still have my clothing brand but it's been on hiatus because motherhood and new style in the works

Tumblr is telling me that people still visit and show this blog some love so I guess I'll post more often? Here's some pics

I'm back bitches.

I have resurrected and so much has changed since. -finally got my driver's permit -office-less as of last month -clothing line on hiatus until I move into my new apartment -struggles are not common. I bet nobody remembers me. Ignore mode is my new drug. I don't fuck with most people I used to call friends two years ago.

If you’re fucking with deities but you still in the same spot as two-three years ago, then what even are you doing with your life. 

moving forward

Throwback thursday to this time of the year where I had to face really harsh realities and make tough decisions. I had such a rough month emotionally and physically. Those that know me well and knew about this know what I'm talking about. It was not an easy decision and I think about it everyday to this day. I feel like I opened the portals to hell once the trigger was pulled, but I had to do what I had to do and I will always wonder...

I had somebody by my side around this time and it was marking the end of our time together shortly after things happened. I had so much trouble getting over it all and I was doing nothing but hurting myself more and more and I wasn’t even aware of it until I felt so damn empty. I owe myself a damn apology for all the bullshit I put myself through and the time I’ve wasted with the wrong people. 

The saying, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" really took effect yesterday when that other person finally saw that different side of me. Communication is fucking crucial. Sometimes we do things that upset others and don't know about it until it's discussed. 

This whole connecting with one person is an interesting re-learning experience... Just knowing we are as capable of upsetting each other as we are nurturing and receptive.

This experience alone is undoing all the emotional damage I've done unto myself the past several months since becoming cold-hearted and single... Just re-opening them portals that allowed me to be nurturing, kind, and loving like I once was before joining the dark destructive side of things for a while...

Thanks to the fire to my earth, I've felt inspired again to overcome my fears as documented. This person is a keeper.

This cold, bitter, and empty feeling that has haunted me for so long is finally releasing itself from my grip. These gates of hell close as these flames burn bright... Shining light into something that was once buried in darkness. The gates of paradise open up... Inviting that warm feeling I've felt once upon a time. This past year has been a chaotic one yet, since opening these portals of hell on the December full moon of 2014. I've bitten the forbidden fruit and I will admit it was as poisonous as it was delicious. I've had to deal with many venomous creatures, causing me to build walls so high, nobody could climb it and make it alive. These walls existed for as long as this haunting feeling stayed by my side. This feeling left me feeling empty, selfish, bitter, and cold. I was not capable of allowing warmth into my life. Until I met the fire to my earth... Grounding me back into feeling even human again.

I mean how does someone not reply to my apology text, but spend time checkin up on me and lurking my shit? (you know who you are)

My heart has been as cold as nice for so long. I actually started developing legitimate connections and relations with people lately, but I’m just not capable of going beyond that. My feelings have been messing with me today. As much as I’ve excorcized the demons of jealousy and resentment caused by ripples I created months ago, I can’t help but long for the presence of certain people back into my life. I’m not focused on romance at all, but damn, these feels are too real. Not even on my rag anymore, the rainy weather does a great job at doing this to me. 

I already know you people I was last involved with been checking up on me on the regular and there’s a reason for it. But I can’t help but wonder what goes through your minds. You guys are my top visitors according to my IP tracing charts. I wrote all that mean shit to spite you guys and to get a reaction, but that did nothing and realized I was wasting breath because that’s not me, I’m not negative, I don’t hold on to bullshit, but sometimes I act a certain way because of the way things ended and we all ended on fucked up terms. In the end, I did more damage than you guys ever did to me. 

The second person owes me a fucking apology for disrespecting me and for trying to sabotage me with those nudes, 

and I owe the third person an apology for all the undeserved hurt I’ve caused and for the fucked up things I’ve said. You were my best friend and I just want my best friend back. I want that back, I miss our awesome talks that sometimes end with fart and porn humour. I just want my best friend back.

ex #2: Thank you for showing me that I need to value myself and respect myself before expecting love from anyone else. Even though we broke each other down with violence and abuse, it has taught me the power of darkness... only to see the light at the end of the tunnel, which leads to ex #3

ex#3: Thank you for pulling me out of the darkness from previous connection and for shedding the fire and light my path to become the strong independent woman I am today. My business reminds me of you because you’ve busted your ass off buying me equipment and for helping me be the creative person I am. You found me a hot ass mess and left me better than you found me. I will always love the shit out of you as a person and a musician (I support your music, no matter what), even if we aren’t on talking terms. You were my everything. I honestly wish you met me where I am now, but none of where I am now would have happened without you. You literally saved my life in many ways you may or may not comprehend.

Find me.

Prayers - West end girls (Petshop Boys cover)

Produced by Travis Barker