Enluuuuu! I'm Chance, youngest in the familyyyy. Virgie's bias🧸 https://www.instagram.com/p/Cp9_OoOvfy5/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
Just another happy selfie 🧚 https://www.instagram.com/p/Co9vVsSPShV/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
Power Outage = Unlimited Hooman Attention 🥰🐾 https://www.instagram.com/p/Co36ahkPR2z/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
ara na siaaaaàa
Deleted all. Now's the best time to die.
Chosen: Oooooh, so this is what bed feels like. Can I stay here, Jann? I'm good at comforting you on nights you get bad bad dreams. And I'm cute! The perks are worth my snoring 🌭🤎 #WeinerDog #dacshund #Chosen https://www.instagram.com/p/CoNavxWPWLj/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
"Nang, okay lg d simo ho? Bday man mama. Bse mg ano2 nman kron imo mata. Ma tricycle lg ta ya e. Ano gd haw" 😉 Sismz considering my irrational intimidation to places where I feel less of myself. Success! No warm up drinks needed and no eye twitching this time. Buot ila staff👌 (at Urban Glamp) https://www.instagram.com/p/CoLDKDCSFQM/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
I can buy myself flowers, but I'd rather have lettuce🍃 (at Urban Glamp) https://www.instagram.com/p/CoK-Bq3S3vH/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
I can buy myself flowers, but I'd rather have lettuce 🍃 Good food 👌 https://www.instagram.com/p/CoK86iOyC0M/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
"And that sometimes, for prey to live, its predator must die." https://www.instagram.com/p/Cn-cNGoyUEo/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
Howdy! Meet Make Up (mom), Cope Up (me) & Step Up (sis) 👑 It's never too late to make it up for all the circumstances-driven parenting mistakes 🫂👩👧👧 It's never too late to cope up with all the painful traumas in the past 😔💭 And it's never too late to step up and take charge of the recalibration this relationship deserves 🏋️💪 No one is beyond repair. Rehabilitation on going ... 🫰 https://www.instagram.com/p/Cn43rWLPg65/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
Contemplating my life decisions including keeping two more dogs 😬 Panindugi kag ubosa sinamo mo, Jann 😅 Meet Chosen and Chance 🥰 https://www.instagram.com/p/Cnkwq0ISpSS/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
Animal ka dos mil veintidós! 💥🪓 Anhon ta na kay buhi ta gyapn 😒 https://www.instagram.com/p/Cm1wnrYPQv8/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
Can I crash at anyone's place? 🤎 Brought all my collars, tags, leashes, vitamins, deticks, few ounces of food and toys; left the torotot, nail clipper and razor, I hatesxsx them 🤓 I am no good at anything but I can provide you with daily doze of love-hate moments. Goiter, at worst 😅 Location: San Miguel Plaza https://www.instagram.com/p/CmtxJQAvt9i/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
Welcome to the family, Chosen! ☺️🌭🐾 #MiniatureDachshund #WeinerDog https://www.instagram.com/p/CmeCUtxPUSR/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
Back to Square One
People have always thought of me as the tough one. Growing up, I always hear people commending me for how good I am to pull myself together in just knowing how to get on with more important things no matter what the circumstances are. I have tables to turn, dreams to achieve, and things to constantly prove. Surviving in this life, I have always beaten the odds.
Everything was on track until that tragedy happened. At the age of 28, I was dragged back to remind myself of the demons I have been trying to befriend and learned to tame over the years. It seemed like yesterday when I got my college degree, a stable job, a life with the privilege not every one of my kind has, being in a law school, young and independent. What has just happened?
I was raped - even at the age where I thought I tried all my hardest to be someone who isn’t deprived, defenseless, and worthless. Behind the rage that I am feeling, is that pity and confused self. I can not even feel the pain of recalling the moment when it happened. I can narrate everything just as clearly and in order as how will they be as facts. It doesn’t make sense now. I thought it did but it doesn’t.
Deal with your trauma, forgive, educate yourself, be more self-aware, be a good person, work hard, be grateful and good things will happen. Haven’t I done all of them exactly, if not excellently?
And to make matters worse, I didn't even have the luxury to mourn for myself of that unfortunate grime I went through when I learned that I have bipolar disorder. Pitiably, the truths I see for myself in my being were not as how the others around me have been seeing them.
Are the traumas I suffered and overcame, really, as painful as I could remember how I endured them? Have I truly endured them, or has my brain just made its way to snap and fuel my senses through high-functioning depression? Were all those days when I thought I was so unsurpassable, not needing the sleep and the rest of a mediocre man would want certainly glorious, or they were just short visits in the delusional paradise my mind has created to survive?
Am I really that extraordinary person whose life has been devoted to always being of purpose, or those were just the highs I, sure, would be into after all the lows? Where was I in my darkest? What have I been hiding? Ah! ~ the alcohol, the smoking, the fidgeting, the impatience, and sometimes, the violence. There I was and all my darkest thoughts I inevitably visited. There, I hid all the skeletons that I will never like to be associated with the admirable persona I have been relentlessly working to establish. On that edge of my deepest core, I enjoy the torment I have been doing to myself. I just know I deserve it. All of it ~ the harshest of all the words I could throw at myself, the void I have always been, the weight I have just momentarily and occasionally laid down and have to continuously carry on. I deserve it. I just know.
The nicknames I have weren't all just endearments people would regard me to. I have deliberately created them. I want to be known by this name when I am at my tenacious and ambitious self - a woman at a young age who knows that greatness is just right in the corner of my eye. I could be it only if I turn my vision around and if I just continuously and consistently do good. Meanwhile, I am that woman with that name who is covered with disgrace and a past no one could ever run away from. The unworthiness with the whispers of being too much for asking more than the decent bare minimum. That person who is several steps away from the shadow and where the maximum distance her kind could only be at. "Do not ask for something more, ungrateful! Lucky, that you are alive and you have good things in life!", that version of me knows that I should just scoot back, dare not to disturb the universe. She is not special and she can not make the world all about herself. The bare minimum would even mean she has always been so full of herself trying to be significant when time and time again she has been reminded that she wasn't, isn't, and will never be. Quit!
In this battle, I do not know who is winning. No one around me could dare to argue or even try to sprinkle that hope everybody seems to crave. There is none. I have been learning about life since the very moment at a very young age when I was awakened to try to make sense of everything that was happening around me. I am on medication. And with this, I only come to one conclusion. Extreme highs constitute extreme lows. Why do we bother taking a leap of faith when the fall will always be exponentially drastic to tolerate? Aren't we all being thought of staying grounded and on the grounds we shall remain? We are, indeed, programmed to dream enough and we all have our unique equation for us to follow. The heights of everyone else aren't mine because I came from far depths of this multi-dimension. From the surface, everyone's job well done shouldn't be everyone's. Some, if not most are, excruciatingly breaking. And the universe isn't enjoying following us through the standards set by all of mankind with different minds - the humanity that has long been noncensus.
Why did all these happen to me despite all? Who am I to question and who is everybody else to answer? Am I trying to find an answer for the wrong question, better yet, maybe, the answers come first before the question? AB is because of A and B and not A and B is AB.
I do not know and I am stuck. Imagine that girl with a dream and a lady with a plan have turned into a woman in nothingness. I ran out of rationalizations and signs. I ran out of whys. And I am rather disinterested to search for becuases than scared.
I loathed the people who have been trying to talk me out of my situation. I could not find the phrase "begin again" even more contradicting. There's "begin" that gives off the light and there's "again" that dims it. It means that you tried and been trying, haven't you? And what good does it bring? It all just winds you up in the same circles you've been running in. I loathed all complacency of just living entails. Aren't we all gearing forward and upward? I know that it will not be all good days but where is the balance in mine? My life has always been a series of consistent and radical downfalls. I got through them and I have been stronger each time I rise from the fall. I fathom, still, I wasn't that strong enough to be reminded that there's only falling for all of my existence. No. I am sure that I have not been that enviable enough to not be cut off some slack. It was just a number of years that I could count on one of my fingers in just a hand. Life then was just decent and nowhere out of perfection. How could the universe be so cruel to reverse it just so quickly? I have been doing what exactly I was told to do. What is this trying to teach me? What lesson is left? And weren't all those learning the hardest way yet?
At present, I take my pills. It doesn't do anything other than freeing some space in my head and leaving it empty for the entire day. I have been afraid of myself of how I could be on days I am in a rage, on days I self-loathe and, even on days I feel dauntless. Now, I do not know what's more horrifying. The demons I tried to tame turned into friends in my darkest escape that I visit when I need to, or this vast and hollow pit I fall into with all my senses numb and energy drained out. I am, every day, good as dead, from that two persons in one to no identity at all; from that, I can conquer or leave the world be to a complete awry.
I thought ceaseless thinking was terrorizing until being thoughtless I have to be. I thought a myriad of feelings is overwhelming until emotionless I have become. I thought wandering in the wonders of life could be fun and worthwhile until I slowly see myself distancing from its shell and losing all its being. Where do I begin? I do not know. All I know is - I'm back to square one.
Getting there, hopefully.