Reconstruction

My sweet lady, stay a queen. Bring that title to the table and have everyone sulk in your greatness and all that you've been built to be. Stay soft, have your heart flourish with love when the world seems to bask in madness and cruelty. Be driven, the dreams you hold cautiously in your hands should be grasped with every finger as if it was the last thing anyone should touch. Be the breath of fresh air for a person when their lungs reek of toxic insecurities; please.. Be gentle. Please don't lose sight of your crown because someone doesn't recognize your glory. Don't crack under the materialistic expectations this world has to offer. Keep your chest held higher than any star in the sky because you've earned it. Take pride in your struggle, admire the demons that have kept you down because now look, you have a crown. My Queen, smile. You have come so far.

Dear Industry, You've taught me how to never wear my heart on my sleeve. That human beings don't have any right on feasting with me during my ungodly hours, that.. The thicker you've built your skin the better you'll become. You've taught me that 4am drives back home were my only place of solitude to refine myself back to peace, you see because shit gets lonely. And trust me money's tight, don't get me wrong but I can't find what I'm looking for in the dark corners of this club. I think I'm losing my mind like, I don't know what's real anymore. You taught me sleep is for the weak, and rejuvenating my colors was time consuming. I'm cynical and reckless and I forgot what it feels like to converse with someone on an intimate level. Dear industry you took almost everything out of me now teach me how to get it back.

Yesterday | Atmosphere

I look for you in everything I touch, in every place my feet find itself, your image is restless, it's engraved in my mind like, like I can’t erase you. And I never want to. I wake up on occasions, 4am’s cold sweats heavily breathing because you found your way back into my dreams, I mean, I miss you. I miss the way you’d cook your eggs for me in the morning or the way you’d rub my back before I went to sleep. You were that little inspiration that kept me going and now I can’t seem to find myself keeping up with the aspirations you had for me. I miss you. I miss you when I hear the buses pass, I, miss you when the floor boards start to creak, And I'm trying so hard to keep the sound of your voice tucked in the fucking corners of my soul because I never ever want to forget how you sound like. And my God you were an angel. I saw the wings behind your back and thought how marvelous it is to be loved by someone like you. To be held by someone like you. But I guess God.. Needed those wings too.

I miss you.

Look, I'm just trying to get to know you. Like, dive into the depths of your soul find my self lost in the crevices of your secrets-- Trying to find reasons that make your lips move in the slightest, trying to avoid things that make your fists curl Like, I want to know these things. I want parts of you no one else has. I'm not rich, and most days the only thing I got figured out is how much money I need to fill up my gas tank but-- I think time is a precious thing and all I want to do is spend it with you.

You'll still look for me in every girl you thrust yourself into, I can tell. You'll lay in bed every night and you will still smell my hair whispering it's way into the wind-- you miss me don't you? You miss the way I kiss you, don't you? The way I let your head lay softly on my chest, the way I hummed your favorite songs ever so softly in your ear... And you used to think what we had was garbage. Now you're tossing and turning, getting drunk on Thursdays asking people for me. How does it feel knowing you're searching and you'll never find me?

I had it, then I lost it. I grasped it then it slipped out of my fingertips like stars that suddenly disappear into the night sky. I held on to it for as long as I could and for as long as the universe allowed me to. I suppose time was running out; the sand started to trickle through the looking glass and just like that it was gone. I had it then I lost it. I had it then I lost it. I had it then I lost it.

This what happen when I think bout’ you:

My coffee smells like a 6am forehead kiss before you get up and get ready for work. I can still taste your skin from the covers and Im wondering if loving you will ever get easier because at this rate, I hope it never does. I hope every solid hour is another 60 minutes where I’m fighting my urge to call myself crazy because I legitimately think I’m crazy over you. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but when I think of you I kind of shudder kind of, make sure I exist because half of me still thinks I’m dreaming while the other half hopes I never decide to wake up. This is what happens when I think bout’ you because Bryson Tiller tells me he wants to make it different when in reality everything you are is different and I am in love with the fact that being submerged into you has made me a different human being. And I’m in love with it. Definitely in love with you.

I'm 56% sure I've fallen maybe, don't quote me on this with a man that's one: twice my age, two: married and three: with a daughter. Don't worry, the 30 year old me already hates the 20 year old me and I'm pretty sure the 12 year old me loathes my existence. But I'm attracted to being broken and ache. He is the epitome of broken rib cages and shin splits. I'm attracted to hard exteriors and soft interiors. He indulges in his mistakes He accepts no one but his daughter He is nothing like me. He's ruthless And I can't stand half of that word. And I know maybe in 3 years I'll look back and laugh and make fun of my stupid 20 year old self but.. Right now it matters This matters And I hate that I make it matter.

I want to know what the fuck is so amazing about being human. Someone tell me. "Oh love, love is beautiful. Feeling is beautiful." But what is love? And perhaps maybe I haven't found it yet but God damn does this hurt. Is this how you're supposed to feel? That unsettling feeling in your stomach? That gut wrenching upset? Because I don't want to ever feel like this ever again. Sad. Alone. What the fuck is so amazing about being human? Someone get me out of this fucking body because I can't do it anymore. I don't want to be human. I didn't ask for it, I didn't ask to be one. I somehow was forced into it. Take it all back. I don't want to be fucking human. I don't want it at all.