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It's "Kerne" With An "E"

@kernewithane / kernewithane.tumblr.com

Post grad who is immensely scatter-brained and trying her best to be creative.
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Emptiness

In 5 months, I’ve spent most of my time deciding who to message. 

My “go-to” is gone.

Texts are stored in my head, almost to capacity. 

Sentences I wouldn’t say to anyone else but you. 

 “What do you think of this outfit?" 

“What should I say to my boss about a day off?" 

“Can you help me with my train ticket home?" 

“Am I doing okay?" 

I can ask these questions to thousands of people, but the opinion I want most is yours.   

I haven’t given away your clothes because I’m still convinced you’ll be home soon. 

I leave the dishes unkept in hopes that you’ll shout at me to put them away. 

My room isn’t as tidy as it would be when you were across the hall. 

It feels as if I’m a different person now, trying to make up for what was left behind. 

You didn’t want this to happen. 

I didn’t want this to happen. 

That wasn’t the plan. 

  There’s too many pieces of myself that I’m missing now that you’re gone. 

You verified my thoughts. 

You made me feel worthwhile. 

You convinced me of things no one else could. 

I have to do all of that for myself, and I’m scared I’ll mess up. 

I don’t want a reaction. 

I just want your ear listening to me again. 

I want your voice to tell me everything will be okay. 

I’m stuck in a memoir I wanted no part of. 

   If you could see me now, I hope you’d be proud I need to hear it from you 

Everyone immediately jumps on me when I say that 

“Of course she’s proud!" 

“Of course she knows!" 

Do you know?

Are you proud? 

Can you let me know soon so I can put this thought to rest? 

My phone is in my hand. 

A new message template up. 

Words written out. 

No number to send it to. 

  “All ok?" “Hope a good day there" “I love you" 

More than you can even imagine, Mom.

#grief#mom
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I’m still waiting for you to return my texts and calls. 

I don’t think that will ever end. 

#grief
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Hey Mom, 

It’s been a while.   

First off, I want to start off by saying how much I miss you. I’ve thought a lot about what the first thing I’d say would be if I saw you again, and I know those would be the only words I’d be able to get out. How has it been over three months since you died? I don’t even like using that word, but it’s a fact I can’t change. You’re gone. You’re not here anymore. I miss you so much, it feels unbearable sometimes. Missing you hasn’t stopped. I don’t think there will ever be an occasion that wouldn’t make me miss you. It feels like a lot has happened already, and I hate that you’re not hear to see it. Yes, perhaps you can see it in a spiritual sense but that’s not enough. I want you here to physically see it. I know that’s not possible, but it’s what I want most. I never thought I could miss a person so much, but I do and it’s hard. Fortunately, our family and friends get it and are doing what they can to help. I just wish you were here to help too. 

Second, I can’t tell you how much I need you lately. Who am I supposed to talk clothes-shopping with? Who do I consult for medical advice? Who will text me now to remind me of a cousin’s birthday or a graduation on Facebook? I used to get annoyed with some of your text messages, but now I miss every single one. I would give anything to see a message about the TODAY show puppy or a 40% discount at Old Navy. You knew me better than anyone. I realize that now. I don’t just need you for the silly things, I need you for the emotional stuff. You helped me get through generalized anxiety and major depression. I use your advice constantly to get through a tough day. You were not perfect, Mom. You didn’t always say the right things, but your constant support made life easier on me. I’m thankful for the words you left me with; “tears are a release”, “take everything in chunks of time”, “put a smile on your face and try”. Your voice is still in my head, and I hope it never leaves.   

Lastly, and most importantly, I want you to know how much I love you. I love you so much, Mom. I ended every phone call with you on those words because it was always important for me to say. I wanted to make sure you always knew that I loved you, especially during my darkest times. I will never forget calling you during a particularly tough time, and your reaction was to tell me you love me and that you would never let me be alone in my sadness. You provided me with unconditional love and support. You worked extra hours to help me out financially. You put in so much effort to help me succeed. My hope is that my future child loves me as much as I love you, and that I provide them with the same love and care that you gave me. They will know how amazing of a mother you were. You’re still the most important person in my life. Mom, I miss you, I need you, and I love you. That’ll never change. Not for a second. 

But that’s okay. I’ll be okay, and that’s thanks to you. Without you as my mom, I’m not sure how I would have handled any of this. Thank you for raising me to be strong and resilient. It’s coming in handy now. 

Love always,

- Em

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i sincerely wish i just felt numb, not sad. 

i’ve never felt so lonely in my life. 

i miss you so much. 

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Mom,

I miss you. 

This feels impossible. 

How is that you were here over a month ago and now you’re gone?

I’m so incredibly lost without you.

I’m hurting more than I could ever imagine.

If I could get 5 more minutes with you, all I would be able to get out is “I love you”. 

I love you so much. I need you desperately.

Love, -Em 

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100 Books in 2015

Since 2013, I have been reading 100 books each year. Here is the list for this year’s book challenge: 

  1. "Egghead or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone" by Bo Burnham
  2. "Supergirl, Volume 1: Last Daughter of Krypton" by Michael Green, Mike Johnson, and Mahmud Asrar"
  3. "The Strange Library" by Haruki Murakami
  4. "Just Don't Fall: How I Grew Up, Conquered Illness, and Made It Down The Mountain" by Joshua Sundquist
  5. "Batman: The Killing Joke" by Alan Moore and Brian Bolland
  6. "We Should Hang Out Sometime" by Joshua Sundquist
  7. "Matilda" by Roald Dahl
  8. "On The Books: A Graphic Tale of Working Woes At NYC's Strand Bookstore" by Greg Farrell
  9. "Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters In The End" by Atul Gawande
  10. "No One Belongs Here More Than You: Stories" by Miranda July
  11. "Dear White People: A Guide to Inter-Racial Harmony in "Post-Racial" America" by Justin Simien
  12. "Another Bullshit Night in Suck City" by Nick Flynn
  13. "Gasping for Airtime; Two Years in the Trenches of Saturday Night Live" by Jay Mohr
  14. "Confessions of a Sociopath: A Life Spent Hiding In Plain Sight" by M.E. Thomas
  15. "Girl Walks Into A Bar… Comedy Calamities, Dating Disasters, and a Midlife Miracle" by Rachel Dratch
  16. "Silver Screen Fiend; Learning About Life from an Addiction to Film" by Patton Oswalt
  17. "Girl In The Dark" by Anna Lyndsey
  18. "Still Alice" by Lisa Genova
  19. "Live From New York; An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live, As Told By Its Stars, Writers, and Guests" by Tom Shales and James Andrew Miller
  20. "Girl In A Band" by Kim Gordon
  21. "I Am Sorry To Think I Have Raised A Timid Son" by Kent Russell
  22. "Selfish, Shallow, and Self Absorbed; Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not To Have Kids", edited by Megan Daum
  23. "I Don't Know What You Know Me From: Confessions of a Co-Star" by Judy Greer
  24. "The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy with Autism" by Naoki Higashida
  25. "Acorn" by Yoko Ono
  26. "So You've Been Publicly Shamed" by Jon Ronson
  27. "Nobody is Ever Missing" by Catherine Lacey
  28. "Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and the Prison of Belief" by Lawrence Wright
  29. "The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent A Year Trying to Sing In The Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun" by Gretchen Rubin
  30. "The Art of Asking; or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help" by Amanda Palmer
  31. "The First Bad Man" by Miranda July
  32. "How to Grow Up" by Michelle Tea
  33. "Fun Home; A Family Tragicomic" by Alison Bechdel
  34. "Prozac Nation; Young and Depressed in America" by Elizabeth Wurtzel
  35. "Urgent, Unheard Stories" by Roxane Gay
  36. "Brain on Fire; My Month of Madness" by Susannah Cahalan
  37. "Spinster; Making a Life of Ones Own" by Katie Bolick
  38. "You Deserve A Drink; Boozy Midaventures and Tales of Debauchery" by Mamrie Hart
  39. "Make Something Up: Stories You Can't Unread" by Chuck Palahniuk
  40. "The First Collection of Criticism by a Living Female Rock Critic" by Jessica Hopper
  41. "Ordinary People" by Judith Butler
  42. "Modern Romance" by Aziz Ansari
  43. "Are You My Mother" by Alison Bechdel
  44. "Banished: Surviving My Years in the Westboro Baptist Church" by Lauren Drain with Lisa Pulitzer
  45. "The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian" by Sherman Alexie
  46. "A Work in Progress" by Connor Franta
  47. "One of Us: The Story of Anders Breivik and the Massacre in Norway" by Asne Seierstad
  48. "Room" by Emma Donoghue
  49. "Me and Earl and the Dying Girl" by Jesse Andrew
  50. "Go Set a Watchman" by Harper Lee
  51. "Self Help" by Miranda Sings
  52. "Hector and The Search For Happiness" by Francois Lelord
  53. "Portrait of an Addict as a Young Man" by Bill Clegg
  54. "Between the World and Me" by Ta-Nehisi Coates
  55. "Fat Girl: A True Story" by Judith Moore
  56. "The Psychopath Test" by Jon Ronson
  57. "The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us" by Martha Stout
  58. "Them: Adventures With Extremists" by Jon Ronson
  59. "Hunger Makes Me A Modern Girl" by Carrie Brownstein
  60. "Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things" by Jenny Lawson
  61. "Binge" by Tyler Oakley
  62. "M Train" by Patti Smith
  63. "The Martian" by Andy Weir
  64. "The Magic Finger" by Roald Dahl
  65. "The Beautiful Struggle: A Father, Two Sons, and an Unlikely Road to Manhood" by Ta-Nehisi Coates
  66. "The Giraffe and the Pelly and Me" by Roald Dahl
  67. "My Brother, My Sister: Story of a Transformation" by Molly Haskell
  68. "Welcome to Night Vale" by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor
  69. "Oh The Moon (Stories from the Tortured Mind of)" by Charlyne Yi
  70. "Born Standing Up; A Comic's Life" by Steve Martin
  71. "Missoula; Rape and the Justice System in a College Town" by Jon Krakauer
  72. "Why Not Me?" by Mindy Kaling
  73. "If You Feel Too Much: Thoughts on Things Found and Lost and Hoped For" by Jamie Tworkowski
  74. "Pansy" by Andrea Gibson"
  75. "Lost At Sea; The Jon Ronson Mysteries" by Jon Ronson
  76. "Thirteen Reasons Why" by Jay Asher
  77. "Blackout; Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget" by Sarah Hepola
  78. "Sick in The Head; Conversations About Life In Comedy" by Judd Apatow
  79. "Where Men Win Glory; The Odyssey of Pat Tillman" by Jon Krakauer
  80. "The BFG" by Roald Dahl
  81. "On The Run; True Tales of Everyday Craziness" by Jon Ronson
  82. "Big Magic; Creative Living Beyond Fear" by Elizabeth Gilbert
  83. "Holidays on Ice" by David Sedaris
  84. "After Alice" by Gregory Maguire
  85. "Don't Worry, It Gets Worse" by Alida Nugent
  86. "Humans of New York: Stories" by Brandon Stanton
  87. "Danny and the Champion of the World" by Roald Dahl
  88. "Batman: The Dark Knight Returns" by Frank Miller
  89. "Yes, And: How Improvisation Reverses 'No, But' Thinking and Improves Creativity and Collaboration" by Kelly Leonard and Tom Yorton
  90. "Player Piano" by Kurt Vonnegut
  91. "American Widow" by Alissa Torres
  92. "Poorly Drawn Lines; Good Ideas and Amazing Stories" by Reza Farazmand
  93. "The Witches" by Roald Dahl
  94. "Three Cups of Deceit: How Greg Mortenson, Humanitarian Hero, Lost His Way" by Jon Krakauer
  95. "Thing Explainer: Complicated Stuff in Simple Words" by Randall Munroe
  96. "Summer Crossing" by Truman Capote
  97. "Girl Stories" by Lauren R. Weinstein
  98. "The Old Man and The Sea" by Ernest Hemingway
  99. "Going Solo" by Roald Dahl
  100. "An Illustrated Book of Bad Arguments; Learn the Lost Art of Making Sense" by Ali Almossawi
#books#year in review#what a tradition#2015
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reblogged

Okay we can all have a good laugh and cheer at what went down tonight but in all seriousness what she was doing was calling out a white person on her horribly patronizing, racist behavior. A white person tried to silence and belittle a Black woman’s pain because she didn’t like how it was presented and proceeded to dismiss it because she was too angry. Miley condescended to her, telling a black woman how best to deal with something that she as a white person will never have to deal with. And Nicki clapped back. On national television. In front of a live audience, in front of the world, on air.

If you think the media and its industries aren’t going to punish her for it then I need you to pay real close attention to her the next coming months, because you can bet she won’t have as many appearances or invitations, you can bet she will get even less recognition and even more criticism, you can bet most mentions of her will associate her with the Angry Black Woman stereotype without ever addressing why she was angry or recognizing that her anger was justified. They are going to make Nicki out to be the ultimate bad guy when the reality is she was defending herself-and by proxy, Black women in entertainer everywhere-against some serious displays of ignorance and racism. But you watch. Watch what’s going to happen to Nicki after this.

The clap back was hilarious, yes, but there is a reason Black people are celebrating it; because Nicki showed some serious courage. Black people, Black women especially, are expected to shoulder any and all abuse silently. She refused. At the end of the day, to these people, she is just a Black woman who is supposed to shut up and take whatever bullshit gets thrown at her. She isn’t supposed to defend herself, especially not if it means hurting white people’s feelings. Protect Nicki Minaj at all fucking costs. Support her at all costs, because she’s going to come under serious fire.

EDITED: Miley doesn’t identify as a woman, my apologies for misgendering. Thank you for the correction!

#nicki minaj#miley cyrus#brilliant post#miley whats good
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I’m sorry I forgot about you, Tumblr.

It’s not you, it’s me. 

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#DontStealPossible I'm demanding great schools for all kids. Join me: http://thndr.it/1979dPp

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