Anything Goes

so glad illumination hasnt picked up on this live action remake trend because seeing a minion rendered in photorealistic cgi might just be the one thing capable of breaking me

YOU. THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

sorry bestie I can’t talk rn I’m busy consuming media that will put me in a worse mental state on purpose 🙄

kill the cop inside your brain by thinking about fentanyl

The police are brave enforcers of the law which God commands us to obey. If you have a cop inside your head that is a good thing. It means you have morals. Don’t let these Satanists destroy that with hellish substances.

This is idolatry. Only God should be inside your head. If you have a "cop" inside your head, that is a demon. Attend mass, heretic.

i killed god with fentanyl

Aaaand scene! Good work everyone!

I think I might have a problem guys

*French voice* j'peg

i think "guy who thinks another guy is his sworn enemy but the other guy is just normal about it" is one of the better and funnier tropes ever

no one ever lets me be friends with their mom 😔

friend’s mom checking up on me bc she adores me? i get a text from friend saying “STOP TEXTING MY MOTHER”. sister’s partner’s mom has similar interests as me? we have to play telephone through our respective family members bc asking for phone numbers gets an “absolutely not.” coworker’s mom is obsessed with all the shows that i am and is a chronic rewatcher as well? “no. NO. you are not gonna be tv watch buddies with my mom. that’s NOT happening.”

no one lets me have any fun

this is still so funny to me

Finally

a good crust of bread will have your ass hankering for a hearty stew

My daughter will get my tumblr account login details as a part of the inheritance

my first job was as a security guard for area 51. Mostly a boring job except for the part where people tried to drive through the fence and we had to shoot them to make sure they didn't cum in the aliens. Like honestly you could do basically whatever else to the aliens - lord knows they'd let you, they're little freaks - but they're beyond allergic to human cum, it melts their flesh like battery acid melts ours, and while at the time I was pretty sure that trend died in the 70s now I'm not so sure

"Oh, I don't produce cum, it's fine" listen here pal. Every human body produces enough ammonia metabolites from its genitals to melt an alien in as much time as it would take to melt a spongebob popsicle in the microwave. You can't fuck the aliens, and that's final

alexander the mid

you dated someone named alexander the mid 😭💀 sure #ok to rb

sorry for laughing atyou. love is always a serious matter