@paralysing-sadness on Tumblr

Another private hospital admission

Another label ("treatment resistant depression")

And after resisting so much (bc of trauma and awfulness of it) i finally yielded properly to ECT (16 sessions in, majority as Bilateral placement) --> and yes its majorly fucking with my brain

My anorexia is getting bad again though

The anxiety is relentless

But somehow (despite poisoning myself every night enough to kill 10+ horses, despite the unrelated coma's, several ICU admissions, and all other hell) im alive

Through this year or two of the absolute biggest hell of my life though.. two support people have influenced things for the better and shown me love -> theres so much more i could say about that and them in general

i hope you all are doing alright though

#personal

paralysing-sadness reblogged

erebus-et-eigengrau

sad-house-of-mortality

sad-house-of-mortality.tumblr.com

image by - ana markovic

Source: sad-house-of-mortality

paralysing-sadness reblogged

alonewrld999

muzgozjeb

evelynne-of-the-grey

set me free with a leap. A Final jump

paralysing-sadness reblogged

lets-cut-a-little-bit

brandoblack

hi life, please stop breaking me

paralysing-sadness reblogged

devouringdespair

mikesvent

paralysing-sadness reblogged

lets-cut-a-little-bit

mental illness update: still mentally ill

paralysing-sadness

Anonymous asked:

Hi Maja. I have been following you for years. I just read your post and I’m so glad you are alive. I am also so very sorry you are suffering and have been for as long as you have. I hope one day it will get better for you. Lots of love ♥️

Thank you so much 🥺💜

paralysing-sadness

Anonymous asked:

Hey Maja, I just wanted to say that I’m glad you’re still here. You were one of the first people that made me feel like I wasn’t alone in my own fight with depression, and every so often I think of you and wonder if you’re still out there somewhere. Things probably feel impossible and I know I can’t truly know how hard things are, but just know that there is someone out here who will always be rooting for you. 💕

This means so much and I really needed it tonight, so thank you so much 🥺

I’m so glad I made you feel a little less alone all the years ago. I really hope you’re doing better now. Thank you again for messaging 💜

paralysing-sadness

I spent my adolescence screaming into the tumblr-void about the relentless misery (and everything else) I was experiencing.

I started to get a bit better, but what I didn’t realise was that years of repressed, unrealised, deep and complex trauma would emerge, while the rest of my life unravelled completely.

2022 was the absolute worst year of my life. I have reached levels of misery and agony I never could have ever perceived.

I ended up losing everything, couch surfing for months amidst desperate suicide attempts, anorexia reemerged and became the worst it ever had been, constantly in and out of hospital and yeah…. I ended up in a coma…twice, coming 15min away from finally having it all stop.

Honestly, I’m starting 2023 declining further… but today I was reminded of all the times tumblr was there for me when I had nothing else. Through the past year I have found the best possible support person I could ever have hoped for, and the only reason I’ve somehow made it to today.

I feel so broken. Was labelled as “treatment resistant” and all “help” quickly evaporated as a result. It’s been so hard, words can’t even describe. I don’t know why I’m writing this.. there isn’t a purpose.. but it feels so nostalgically therapeutic I guess. I know it’s likely no one will read, but I thought I’d at least put this up as a brief summary, in case I don’t post anymore.

I hope everyone is doing okay 💕