Cosplay Grandma Zone

so here’s an irl update!

I’m halfway through radiation for my spine; they expect that this one session will fully cure my spine and it’ll be over (at least there). I have a fun scar on my lower back and every doctor is impressed by how fast I’m healing, even if I’m absolutely chafing at the post surgical restrictions. Aaaauuuggghhh

Next month I start treatment for the breast cancer part and that is also likely to be way less miserable than expected??? Like they think that thanks to the exact receptors I have and how strong they are, they can do 99-100% of the work just with endocrine pills and chemo pills??? I might not even need an IV port or surgery???????!?!?!?! I also got kicked out of the pain center because I’m doing too well???????!?!

It’s really right now just like. Bad news you have metastatic cancer. Good news is you have super treatable metastatic cancer. Also the center I get to go to because it’s my local one has a ton of incredible specialists and is absolutely world class and they even have something I want every American hospital to have: an entire department dedicated to yelling at insurance for you if insurance refuses to cover something. Incredible.

My family has promised to send me to Japan on a trip once I get to ring that bell so I’m brushing up on some 日本語 and while I’m sad about all the plans I have to cancel this year and not even processing all the changes this will make in my life, I’m still optimistic for my future.

To quote an absolute legend….

“I aten’t dead yet” (nor do I plan to be any time soon)

I got some very good news medically (this cancer is going to be SUPER treatable, I have the best possible markers!) and I recovered well enough that I was able to go see GQUX last night so I think things are looking up! quick update <3

cw: medical details, depressing, this is not a good post

so if you’re wondering why I’ve gone really silent on social media everywhere including bluesky, I’m dealing with some big problems right now and there’s no nice way to say this.

I have cancer.

I’m lucky in that it got caught surprisingly early in the spread because the second tumor pressed against my spinal cord in a way that sent me to an emergency MRI and then emergency spinal surgery to get part of my sacrum (and the tumor) removed, all my genetic markers for treatment are the good ones, and I have so many local friends and family supporting me. The doctors have been using the word “curable” and not just “treatable” since I woke up from getting part of my spine taken out. But.

But.

I’m sick, in pain, recovering from a very difficult surgery, drained from having to talk about this everywhere because talking about it is hard but letting people just plain not know feels even worse, I’m having the worst anxiety of my life while I wait to find out what exactly my treatment plan is going to look like, I feel guilty for thoroughly triggering people because this is so scary (and I’m also still dealing with the loss of my aunt about a year ago from cancer too so aaaaa), and if that weren’t enough, every time I go anywhere online I am at constant risk of having even more bad news shoved in my face.

I know it’s selfish of me to want to pretend other bad things aren’t happening, but god, there is only so much I can handle and I’m using about 190% of my ability to cope just waking up in the morning. I’ve never felt more overwhelmed just existing and there’s so much more “being brave” to go and I don’t know how I’m going to handle it.

I haven’t even known about this for two weeks and it still feels fake. Like I’m about to start a classic LJ era faked cancer scare. Except unfortunately this is happening and the constant pain I am in is here to let me know about it.

I’m sorry to overshare so much, but well… I have to get this out publicly somewhere and tumblr feels like a place I can do it safely without being overwhelmed.

If you got this far, thank you for reading and I’m sorry for making such a depressing post.