Sometimes, I want to scream all the bad words I know to somebody's ear at once. Nobody even know what I am going through at this point. You wanna know why? Because, no one actually cares, honey. I'd rather keep it to myself but, okay.(I won't even open up this topic anymore, anyway)
Breathe in, breathe out. Shut my eyes and asked the Lord, "Why is this happening to me? This is not what I prayed for. Why"
I'm constantly having pain in my chest that makes me want to kill myself every time I wake up in the morning. My problems are multiplying every now and then. How am I supposed to get through this? I don't even know either. I feel that I'm such a disappointment. I feel that I'm the worst person ever existed here on Earth. I'm starting to hate myself now, but I promised myself to be in the right track as much as I can. Tears starting to fall on my cheeks. I just wanted to have a happy and healthy family. But it feels like, it's Autumn.--every thing started falling off from its branches.
It's really hard to pretend in front of your friends or your parents that you are okay. Honestly speaking, I am so lost and confused about everything. Fuck. If ever I had a gun, I'll probably grab it and shoot my head instantly. Don't worry, I can still see tiny hope in me.
Christmas eve just passed few days ago. We personally don't have our own food. We just came by and eat from our loved ones' house, attended mass and had my countdown with my friends online-- the end. I'm trying my best to find a way how am I be able to feel the Christmas spirit, but it just can't. I know, it's not about food, presents receiving big amount of cash from godparents or whatever expensive gadget/s you've got. I felt empty, sad and whatever adjectives you know that are synonyms with these words. This is probably the saddest Christmas eve ever. I swear.
Now, my mom's experiencing serious sickness that has to be cured as soon as possible. I don't know that to do but pray. I pray to God that He will end this before 2014 starts.
I know that these problems will distract my focus with my studies and all other shits in my life. These problems will definitely change me in no time. I don't know what should I fucking do. Well, I know that I have friends with me, but some of them don't even care about my life, but whatever. Speaking out my personal problems with friends won't even work because they don't even know by themselves how to react or what to say, am I right? Yes. They will just listen to you and that's it. Don't get me wrong because that's the reality of life. I still love them tho. I believe, I can solve this on my own. I just have to shout it out.
I wish I can just turn this shit off, get over and start with a new beginning.
It feels so good when you blogged everything you feel sad, disappointed or angry. It somewhat relieves your heart from extraordinary pain. *Sigh
