Avatar

That Which Pleases Me

@iamhisgloriouspurpose / iamhisgloriouspurpose.tumblr.com

Permanently Hiddlestoned. Also fond of jewels and music. I have a stash of chocolate, hankies, and alcohol to share, and there are plenty of pillows on the floor. Join me, won't you?  Also on AO3 as LedaSF—read my stories!
Avatar

I know I’ve said this before but vampires

  • don’t show up on camera
  • can fly/scale walls
  • immune to bullets
  • can break into any safe by turning into fog or some bullshit
  • could probably hypnotize security guards as needed

therefore I am in dire need of a heist film where a group of vampires band together to steal back their old stuff from museums

Oceans 1100 AD

Very interested in the hardest part of this beign the vampires trying to trick someone into granting them permission to enter the premises earlier in the day

I feel like this has several simple solutions!

  • they enter the museum while it’s open to the public (and the Welcome sign is on display). they turn into bats and hide in the rafters until the museum closes. the only hiccup is when the overhead announcement comes on and politely requests all visitors leave for closing. the vampire are forced to flee, but come back the next day with tiny bat-sized earplugs.
  • downside: this requires going out in daylight, leading most of the team members to show up in long black victorian formalwear, complete with lacy parasols, which they insist on carrying with them throughout the entire heist (much to the frustration of the team leader, who just wore sunscreen and a raincoat).
  • depending on how invitations work, it is possible any random human can invite them in. one of the vampires gets their Ultimate Frisbee buddy Oakley to tag along and invite them in after closing.
  • downside: the gang spends the rest of the heist gently mocking the idea of a vampire playing association ultimate frisbee (“so what, you turn into a bat and catch it with your fangs? do they make you crawl up the wall when it gets stuck on a roof? if you turn into a cat to get it down from a tree, do you end up stuck in the tree?”) this ends in a Climactic Twist Ending when Oakley reveals they don’t play ultimate frisbee, just dog park frisbee. In the sense that they met when the vampire transformed into a wolf to gatecrashed a game at the local dog park.
  • (Bonus points if Oakley is a werewolf. extra bonus points if this is revealed in a post-credits epilogue where, on the next full moon, the entire gang transforms into creatures of the night and joins Oakley at the park for a frisbee game of Bats vs Wolves)
  • Final option: to gain legitimate entry, an invitation is needed from a museum employee. this presents two possibilities:
  • the vampires pretend to be incredibly rich eccentric patrons who want a private nighttime tour of the museum. (this is convincing due to the fact they are rich and incredibly eccentric.) the vampires get inside, planning to hypnotize the Curator supervising their tour.
  • downside: they immediately discover the Curator has been left immune to hypnosis by years of post-grad exposure to droning history lecturers. the vampires leave their least competent member to distract her while they carry out the heist–in the ensuing 90 minutes, the vampire and the curator accidentally Fall In Love after bonding over their shared fury about british archeological theft.
  • (In the sequel they get married and spend their honeymoon robbing the British Museum in order to return sacred objects to the cultures from which they were stolen. this is made more complicated comical by the fact vampires are unable to interact with holy objects. also, they are lesbians.)
  • alternatively: the gang simply bribes a security guard into letting them in after closing. the security guard then tags along, offering helpful advice for disabling alarms and transporting antiques. it turns out Security Officer Greer only applied for the job bc they too were planning an Elaborate Acrobatic Burglary, but then their partners quit to join Cirque du Soleil and “I can’t exactly perform a Double Cartwheel Birdie Flying Trapeze Boomerang Special without a partner.”
  • downside: the gang becomes too attached to ask Greer to leave. They carry out the heist as intended, but this time pretending to be circus performers to explain their vampire powers. Turning into a cloud of smoke to bypass locks? Magicians never explain a trick. Spider walking across ceilings to bypass alarms? Contortionist. When it comes time to fly from roof to roof, they decide turning into bats would give away their secret, so instead they help Greer, in a sparkling moment of triumph, execute the perfect Double Cartwheel Birdie Flying Trapeze Boomerang Special!
  • Greer and the gang escape (by tightrope walking) into the night with all the plunder they can carry. Tearfully, the gang begins to say goodbye (bc they can’t keep up the pretense of being circus performers forever) when Greer casually asks how a bunch of vampire ended up working in a circus.
  • (Greer assumed from the beginning they were vampires, because of “how you dress, how you talk, and mostly because none of you showed up on camera back in the CCTV control room. Why did you think it took me so long to let yall in?”)
  • I cannot for the lives of me decide which synopsis I like best

(all ideas shared on this blog are public domain, feel free to go nuts. you can find more story ideas like this on my ko-fi)

Avatar

I saw this book entitled "Plants Have So Much to Give Us, All We Have to Do is Ask" by Mary Siisip Genuisz and i thought oh I HAVE to read that. The author is Anishinaabe and the book is all about Anishinaabe teachings of the ways of the plants.

Going from the idiotic, Eurocentric, doomerist colonialism apologia of that "Cambridge companion to the anthropocene" book, to the clarity and reasonableness of THIS book, is giving me whiplash just about.

I read like 130 pages without even realizing, I couldn't stop! What a treasure trove of knowledge of the ways of the plants!

Most of them are not my plants, since it is a different ecosystem entirely (which gives me a really strikingly lonely feeling? I didn't know I had developed such a kinship with my plants!) but the knowledge of symbiosis as permeating all things including humans—similar to what Weeds, Guardians of the Soil called "Nature's Togetherness Law"—is exactly what we need more of, exactly what we need to teach and promote to others, exactly what we need to heal our planet.

She has a lot of really interesting information on how knowledge is created and passed down in cultures that use oral tradition. The stories and teachings she includes are a mix of those directly passed down by her teacher through a very old heritage of knowledge holders, stories with a newer origin, and a couple that have an unknown origin and (I think?) may not even be "authentically" Native American at all, but that she found to be truthful or useful in some way. She likes many "introduced" plants and is fascinated by their stories and how they came here. (She even says that Kudzu would not be invasive if we understood its virtues and used it the way the Chinese always have, which is exactly what I've been saying!!!)

She seems a bit on the chaotic end of the spectrum in regards to tradition, even though she takes tradition very seriously—she says the way the knowledge of medicinal and otherwise useful plants has been built, is that a medicine person's responsibility is not simply to pass along teachings, but to test and elaborate upon the existing ones. It is a lot similar to the scientific method, I would call it a scientific method. Her way of seeing it really made me understand the aliveness of tradition and how there is opportunity, even necessity, for new traditions based upon new ecological relationships and new cultural connections to the land.

I was gut punched on page 15 when she says that we have to be careful to take care of the Earth and all its creatures, because if human civilization destroys the biosphere the rocks and winds will be left all alone to grieve for us.

What a striking contrast to the sad, cruel ideas in the Cambridge companion of the Anthropocene, where humans are some kind of disease upon the Earth that oppresses and "colonizes" everything else...!...The Earth would GRIEVE for us!

We are not separate from every other thing. We have to learn this. If I can pass along these ideas to y'all through my silly little posts, I will have lived well.

Avatar
maukamakai

“a medicine person's responsibility is not simply to pass along teachings, but to test and elaborate upon the existing ones”

i feel this so much as a cultural practitioner/artist working with plant material ! there’s so many times when i teach things to my students and i say “i’m showing you this way because this is how my teachers show me” and then in the next breath “this isn’t what i was taught but it’s what i like and prefer, so i’m going to show that to you too, and you can choose what works”

cultural traditions need to evolve and adapt over time. i think the less they are updated to reflect today’s world/generation, the less of a chance they have of meaningful survival. keeping things up to date means keeping them alive. “tradition is not the worship of ashes, but the preservation of fire” etc etc

Avatar

A well-tailored supervillain costume is to a woman, what lingerie is to a man.

I don’t know what lingerie is to a man, what I know for sure is that a well-tailored supervillain costume on the right guy makes a woman want to take it off him as soon as possible… At least.. this woman…

Avatar
amatasera

And this woman will spend obscene amounts of time just imagining the *process* of getting it off

Avatar
izhunny

This. This is still a problem. I enjoy this problem very much.

Avatar
mastreworld

I want him to keep it on, just… open it up where necessary.

Oooh yes, I remember this one . A delicious read.

Thank you for your encouragement to post it initially, @mastreworld! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Avatar

A well-tailored supervillain costume is to a woman, what lingerie is to a man.

I don’t know what lingerie is to a man, what I know for sure is that a well-tailored supervillain costume on the right guy makes a woman want to take it off him as soon as possible… At least.. this woman…

Avatar
amatasera

And this woman will spend obscene amounts of time just imagining the *process* of getting it off

Avatar
izhunny

This. This is still a problem. I enjoy this problem very much.

Avatar
mastreworld

I want him to keep it on, just… open it up where necessary.

@iamhisgloriouspurpose yes you do. You’ve most certainly got us 🫠❤️‍🔥

So glad you enjoyed it, my dear @ladyofthestayingpower! One needs a bit of diversion now and then, after all!

Avatar
Avatar
ziggyplayedd

things that made me stop wanting to die that require no effort whatsoever

  • change the color used to highlight text on your laptop
  • move the pictures on your wall
  • stack whatever clutter is in your room into piles even if you don’t have time to clean it all
  • slightly vary your commute, even just by one street
  • change where you sit and scroll aimlessly on your phone even if it’s only to the chair in your room instead of your bed
  • drink water or juice out of a wine glass in the morning because nothing is real
  • shower with the lights off, without music
  • buy $3 flowers at trader joe’s—they look bad next to the more expensive ones but they look so good in your room
  • start typing things you don’t post into your notes. your thoughts can be worth documenting even if you don’t deem them worth sharing
  • wake up super early just once. you don’t have to make it a habit it’s just extra satisfying to go to bed that night
  • listen to the entirety of your favorite album from 2015

Almost all of these are about variety. Humans need stimulation! We need enrichment! We literally cannot do the same thing every day!

The other day I was feeling miserable, so I hopped on a bus and rode it all the way back to where I’d started, and my brain, which had finally had some proper stimulation via new environments, was suddenly ready to go again!

This is why taking walks/drives and trying new hobbies are good for you! Don’t turn yourself into a sad zoo animal! You need some pumpkins to roll around in your enclosure!

ITS BACK!!!!!

god i fucking love the quote “dont turn yourself into a sad zoo animal” it has really inspired me!

Try a different hot drink in the morning!

Text someone you haven’t in a while!

Wear a fancy outfit while you have dinner!

Watch and episode of a show you used to love!!

Avatar

A well-tailored supervillain costume is to a woman, what lingerie is to a man.

I don’t know what lingerie is to a man, what I know for sure is that a well-tailored supervillain costume on the right guy makes a woman want to take it off him as soon as possible… At least.. this woman…

Avatar
amatasera

And this woman will spend obscene amounts of time just imagining the *process* of getting it off

Avatar
izhunny

This. This is still a problem. I enjoy this problem very much.

Avatar
mastreworld

I want him to keep it on, just… open it up where necessary.

I got you: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12132999/chapters/27521589

You are using an unsupported browser and things might not work as intended. Please make sure you're using the latest version of Chrome, Firefox, Safari, or Edge.