That Seinfeld fella is pretty funny he should get his own show

I’ve got some great news

what

I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to geico

oh my god i'm cleaning out my desk and i found my first phone

it was a fucking house phone that i was so stoked to have because it was mine that i kept in my own room and i cannot believe technology has progressed at the speed of FUCKING light to the point where this is a hilarious artifact to have had in like 6th grade and now theres kindergarteners with iphones

How did you know if you dialed the right number

each button made a different tone so the numbers you dialed a lot became a subconscious melody in your head and if you hit the wrong button by accident it would sound like a wrong note in a song you know by heart

i can’t beleive that is a legitimate question in my lifetime

Other acceptable answer: the wrong person answers on the other end.

Another acceptable answer: the robot lady comes on the phone and tells you number doesn’t exist.

Shit yall

I feel so old

The fact that there are little people alive who don’t know a thing about this is crazy

m0n64 submitted:

DELETE YOUR BLOG 

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”

She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

i work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy - ill ask the same question twice, or say “$2.60 is your total” while handing back their change, or say “how are you doing today?” instead of “have a good day!” like name it ive bungled it

but anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: “few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both”

as i handed her the bag i was trying to say “thanks, youre all set” and instead my brain mashed up the review and i said “thanks, youre important”

there was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the fuck id just said. she blinked and then said “oh thank you! youre important too!”

the real kicker was one of my coworkers. when i was relating this story later his response was “at least you said something NICE. last week i accidentally combined ‘youre welcome’ and ‘no problem’ into ‘youre a problem’”

one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.” we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, i should’ve done that.”

I’ve spent a good chunk of time working in kitchens, so I still will reflexively say shit like “behind” and “coming around” as I maneuver through spaces and around people.

Which, actually, not such a bad thing; I’m a big guy and can come across as imposing pretty easily. The position calls can help defuse that, and also help avoid collisions.

Less good is the time my brain was half functional and I let slip a “coming with a knife” while grocery shopping. THAT took some explaining.

I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my mum asked me to send her a train ticket I had bought for her. I emailed her “Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks, Alex”

i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat if he needed something.

I have woken up in a cold sweat saying “is that for here or to go?”

Sometimes I answer my cell phone with “thank you for choosing Taco Time, what can I get started for you?” And inevitably there’s a dead silence for a moment where the person calculates what happened and I prepare to get laughed at.

I was also answering the phone at the bank once and got as far as “Thank you for calling po-… (bank name).” They realized I was about to fuck it up and I didn’t have the balls to admit I was about to welcome them to pokemon. I was thinking about other things. I still don’t know what happened.

I work at a shoe store and we’re required to ask customers for their phone numbers before checking them out so they can get coupons. I was checking a lady out today and she said no thanks to giving me her information, and idky but that part of my script stuck in my head and when her receipt printed out, I asked her “do you want your phone number with you or in the bag?”

words have me all kinds of fucked up

Once you graduate you turn into communist Mario

I completely forgot what McDonald’s was

Good morning tumblr, Who are we cancelling today??

the russos

Me @ the russos

yeah. max deserved better

The Newest & Clearest photo of Pluto.

Thanks

pepsi

catch me gardening topless at 5am telling my baby tomato plant about my bad dream

lesbians in space

SPACE LESBIANS GONNA COLONISE MARS, MAKE IT A BEAUTIFUL SAPPHIC UTOPIA <3

its actualy really fascinating, the reason they are considering making the mission to mars all female ACTUALLY doesnt have to do with “impure sexual thoughts” or anyhing it has to do with a multitude of factors, for example (cis) women astronauts tend to be smaller and require less food, nasa also did a series of studies showing that in groups, all woman groups showed better cooperation and teamwork than mixed or all men groups, and also probably the most interesting reason is that (cis) mens eyesight is damaged in space travel for reasons we dont even understand yet, for some strange reason the vast majority of men who have been into space have suffered damage to their eyesight and yet almost no women have had this issue, and scientists are still trying to figure out why but in the meantime sending men into space for long periods of time is a huge concern because they may go blind over time … just thought that that headline was a little reductionist and sensationalist so i had to comment, that being said tho…

HELL YEAH SPACE LESBIANS

WHAT THE HELL, MUM.

I’d be happy with a mom like that.

I’d be fucking happy if I even lived in a country that allowed me to get accidentally lost in Paris. Fucking New Zealand, surrounded by sea. 

Fucking America. You drive six hours and you’re in the same God damn state.

Guys, the Eurostar is literally a train that goes UNDERWATER from the UK to France.

That’s too awesome.

what if a bobcat had a bob cut

that bob cat is out on the prowl for the manager

It’s an incredible feeling.

Shout out to all of the oldest children…who were used as the tester kids and now watch their younger siblings get away with stuff you would have been killed for.. Justice will never be restored

Who is the Dumbass who decided we should stop calling medicine “potions” and “elixirs”