Ramblings of a butterfly

I left the house the other day. I tried to go to Target. That used to be my happy place. Now it's just...anxiety. I got what I needed then proceeded to have a complete and total breakdown in the car on the way home and then if it was possible broke even more once I was back in the house. The thing that people don't realize is that yeah everyone is struggling with the pandemic but those of us who struggled before are really just completely fucked up right now. It's taken me 2 days to recover enough to take a shower. 2 days! I just needed drain cleaner sonic could shower without standing ankle deep in water and it took me out for 2 days.

I'm tired. My job requires me to be "on" all the time. All I really want to to do is crawl into bed and not leave it for a week. The pandemic is hard. It's super hard when you have anxiety and depression. Even harder still when you add in that I live alone and it would be very easy for my to stay in my house and never leave again. I get my food delivered. I get my supplies delivered. I rarely leave and when I do it's to go to visit someone who I trust enough to have in my bubble. I tried going to the store recently...big mistake. I panicked, made my purchase then had a 10 minute breakdown in my car before I was able to drive home. I spent the next week and a half inside, not even leaving to take the trash out. I'm so very tired.

Today I opened up about my anxiety. Today I opened up about my anxiety, while on a team video call with 12 other people. Today I stood up for myself and let everyone know exactly what I go through on a daily basis in the hopes that they understand me a bit better. Today I told people who have no right to know about my personal life something deeply personal; all because I'm sick of people thinking I'm a bitch. Today I said, "just because someone seems strong and forceful on the outside, doesn't mean there's not a whole mess happening on the inside". Today I had to tell a bunch of grown adults to think before they speak. Today was a rough day. Tomorrow I will log in as usual. Tomorrow I will attend my meetings and do my work. Tomorrow I will move along as though today didn't completely drain me. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow will be better.

Last week the bf met my family. Yesterday I met his dad. This is a big step for me. Like very big. You see I was assaulted when I was 19 and never allowed myself to get close enough to anyone for my entire 20s. When I started dating again in my late 20s I had no idea what I was doing and never made.it beyond a first date with anyone. Then in 2019 I had my first long term bf, at 33. He was shit and I'm 85% sure he was cheating on me but I have no solid proof. I broke up with him in February 2020 and it was the most empowered I'd ever felt. I stood up for myself and said everything I needed to say and it was amazing.

A few months later I was on Bumble and sent a message to this guy that popped up as a match. Turns out he is everything I could have wanted. He lets me be weird and doesn't get annoyed with me. He's just as weird and we laugh all the time. I guess the moral of this is it's worth it to wait sometimes. Just because everyone around you seems to be moving forward at a faster pace doesn't mean you're falling behind. You're just on your own path. Follow your happy, you'll find it.

If you haven't watched the SNL host monologue from 2/21 you need to. Rege-Jean Page killed it! But also...the Duke of Hastings! I'll never say no to more of him.

Oh, hey there! I recently decided I needed a place for random ramblings and thoughts. Someplace I can be myself and get it all out there. If you're here by accident, I'm sorry. If you're here on purpose, well good luck. If you're here because you used to follow me when I would reblog cute and funny things, I've rebranded. I want this blog to be for me not just a place where random stuff goes to die. I promise to be authentic and real so if that interests you then welcome. And if not, no hard feelings.