A Conversation

A: “Why don’t you like me?”

B: “Why don’t I like you?  Well, I’ll tell you.  About five years ago, back when you first started working here, this one time you said you were going to bring in candy one day.  I got really excited about it and spent the whole entire rest of the day wondering what kind of candy you were going to bring in.  Maybe it would be something chocolate.  I love chocolate.  Or maybe it would be something sort of gummy, like Chuckles or jelly beans or gummy bears.  It was summer, so something fruit-flavored would’ve been totally refreshing.  During the whole drive home, I kept thinking about it.  I may’ve even licked my lips once or twice.  As I went about my business that night – worked on a bird feeder in my basement, wrote stories about my Dungeons & Dragons characters from the campaign I was in back in junior high, microwaved some French bread pizza for dinner, washed the dish I used, made my lunch for work the next day, I kept thinking about the candy you were going to bring in.  And you know what?  You didn’t bring any in the next day.  Or ever.  When I first saw you that morning, I was so excited.  I wanted to ask you about the candy.  But you went into the supply room to get some more binder clips and my boss needed something.  Every time I saw you that day and for the rest of the week, you talked to me like a normal person who had never said they were going to bring in candy the next day.  You lied.”

My Closest Encounter With Trump

To me, the weirdest part about the whole "Donald Trump is running for president” thing is that, as someone who’s lived in or near New York for most of his life, I can tell you with absolute authority that he’s been the punchline to a joke about excessive tackiness since the ‘80s.  That he comes from New York is a total embarrassment to a city known for its tolerance and diversity.

I’ve heard three stories from people who’ve dealt directly with Donald Trump and none of them are flattering.  Two involve people whose companies did work for him, only to be offered pennies on the dollar afterwards.  After waiting months to be paid.  The third involves a woman whom he propositioned while one of his wives was pregnant (lovely, right?).

The closest that I’ve ever come to dealing with Donald Trump was shortly after I moved back to New York from London.  I needed a job desperately and was offered a position in the reservations office of what was then the hippest restaurant in the city.  You couldn’t get a table unless you were Leonardo DiCapro or Bono.

The owner, a brilliant and nice guy who once gave me a raise after he mentioned that he wanted to see a movie and I told him that Kieslowski’s “The Dekalogue” was playing at Lincoln Center, is a man who I still admire.  The several restaurants that he either still owns or has in the past are testaments to the fantasy that a lot of people come to New York to hopefully live out in reality.  He has always understood that atmosphere and experience are at least as important as food.

I’ll mention also that he was obsessed with not having empty tables.  Once during Valentine’s Day, I was instructed to keep taking reservations even after the restaurant was booked to capacity.  When I asked him if that might ruin a romantic evening for a lot of people, he assured me that a lot of them wouldn’t show up and there was nothing to worry about.  He turned out to be right.

The only person we were ever allowed to deny a reservation to was Donald Trump.  Once I had worked there for a little while and people got to know me, I was told that it would be perfectly fine to not give The Donald a table and even have some fun at his expense if he ever called.  When I asked the owner why this was so, he replied, “because he’s disgusting.”

One day, I was sitting at my desk and taking reservations, just like I would on any given day.  The phone rings.  I answer.  It’s a very polite woman on the other end who informs me that Donald Trump would like to come in for dinner with Danny DeVito (seriously).

“I’m sorry, but we don’t have anything available,” I replied.

“I haven’t told you when they want to come in yet,” the woman said.

“Oh, right,” I said.

She gave me a day and time.  I didn’t even bother opening the book.  I simply told her that there was nothing available.

“This is Donald Trump who wants to come in,” she said, as if the name alone would somehow cause a table to magically open up.

“Yes, of course,” I said.  “Unfortunately, we have nothing available.”

She asked about the next day.  I told her there was nothing.  She inquired about the day after that.  Nope.  The other reservationists were listening in, giggling and slightly jealous that they weren’t getting to be the ones who got to deny a reservation to Donald Trump.

The woman sighed, realized what was going on and hung up without another word.

My guess is that if Donald Trump becomes president, he will become upset and I will have to answer to Vladimir Putin.

Consider this a warning to you and your loved ones.

Yesterday, I picked up some flowers from my local CSA.  When I returned home, I promptly put them in a pitcher with some water.  As I busied myself in my apartment, I noticed that they were pointing towards the living room, which has ample sunlight.  I didn’t know if this was intentional or not, so I turned the pitcher the other way.  The flowers were now pointing towards the bedroom, which doesn’t get nearly as much sunlight.

I went out for several hours and when I returned home, the flowers were again pointing towards the living room.

This was so distressing that I was barely able to sleep last night.  I was sharing my apartment with strangers who had a sinister agenda of their own.  Maybe they would attack me in my sleep.  Perhaps they might try to steal my new flatscreen TV.  The bottom line is that I had no way of knowing what they might do next.

For the safety of you and your family, if you have any flowers in your apartment, get rid of them as quickly as possible. I’m so frightened that I have yet to get out of bed today.

Travel Tips for the Summer

Now that summer time is upon us and many people will be taking advantage of the warmer weather to enjoy undeserved vacation time, I thought now might be a good time provide some useful advice.  Many people will make the mistake of traveling to places that take longer to get to than the span of three songs on the car radio and I can tell you that there’s no point.  The world is exactly the same everywhere and people are not interesting.

That said, if you feel the need to go somewhere other than your living room between now and September, here are a few useful tips:

1) If you stay in a hotel, don’t travel any further than the lobby.  And under no circumstances should you leave the hotel grounds.  If you are in the United States, there is crime. If you are outside the United States, people have different values than you do and it is a waste of time to try to understand them.  Besides, they will not really make any sense.

2) If you should find it necessary to leave the hotel, there is no point in traveling any further than the main drag of any major city.  Everything you need will be there.  Good examples of this are Times Square in New York and Piccadilly Circus in London.  Beyond these parts of town, people just sit in their living rooms and wish they were American.  So unless you feel like gloating, don’t bother going there.

3) Don’t waste time in museums.  They’re expensive and every single one is the same.  Did you go to a museum during a field trip during grade school once? Great.  You’ve seen everything in museums.

4) If you have the misfortune to end up in a foreign country, talk about Donald Trump.  They love him over there.  Other topics that will endear you to locals: why you love guns and American television shows from the ‘80s.  People in Belgium still adore “The Love Boat.”

5) Do not bother learning the local language of wherever you end up.  This is wasted energy unless you learn to say “mozzarella sticks” in whatever language they speak in Tibet.  I think maybe it is Portuguese.  People will admire your fortitude for insisting on speaking English.

In conclusion, if you are forced to travel, the best course of action is to simply act in a passive-aggressive manner towards whomever made you go to wherever you are. If you do not have to travel and can spend the summer in your living room watching “The Age of Adeline” on Amazon Prime, I envy you.  Have a fantastic season.

Feeling awake after a large meal. (at Bahia Restaurant & Cafe)

Identity theft. (at Bahia Restaurant & Cafe)

My first authentic Salvadorian pupusa. #feelthebern #imwithher (at Bahia Restaurant & Cafe)

Last night, I still hadn't decided who I was going to vote for in the Democratic primaries. When anyone asked, I said Mike Huckabee because it would be funny to have a president who doesn't believe in evolution. After talking about it over dinner with some friends, I decided to vote for Clinton. I'd always said that I'd never vote for a politician who was ever in favor of the Iraq war, but I guess I've forgiven her. Plus, there's no doubt that she's the smartest and most qualified person running in either party. On the other hand, Bernie's plan to make college more affordable is really a game changer. Yes, he's weak on guns and I have my doubts about how effective a Jewish Democratic Socialist from Vermont can be with a Republican-controlled Congress, but I decided to pull the lever for him. I don't #feelthebern, which sounds like a medical condition, but it's close enough for now. That said, I'll really be fine with either one of them in Oval Office. They're both well-intentioned and smart. At the end of the day, it was pragmatism vs. idealism and the latter won out for now. (at Brooklyn Greenpoint NY)

Red Hook. (at Jalopy Tavern)

Friday night in Red Hook. (at Jalopy Tavern)

Feeling strangely alert tonight. (at Brooklyn Greenpoint NY)

The western omelette. Sometimes I feel like I could come here for the coleslaw alone. (at Ben's Kosher Delicatessen Restaurant & Caterers)

That cat who I saw just hanging out on the corner last week lives at a nearby bodega. His name is Simba and he's apparently not afraid of anything. (at Brooklyn Greenpoint NY)

The cat who wouldn't stand still. I must've deleted a gazillion of these types of photos back in the day. (at Brooklyn Greenpoint NY)

It feels like we shot this a trillion years ago. (at New York, New York)

Last night I was reading ghost stories on Reddit and came across this woman's story about how she saw her dog in the backyard a few days after he died. I thought that I wish Oliver would come back and haunt me. I'm pretty sure he'd just lie down next to me, purr and rub his head against mine. (at Brooklyn Greenpoint NY)

I hope everyone had a fantastic Memorial Day weekend.  Mine was great.  I got out of town for a couple of days and went to Upstate New York to bask in the sunshine and frolic like a puppy on the shores of the Hudson River.

I wanted to let you know that we have a new promotional video for our IndieGoGo campaign.  It's really fun and silly and I hope you like it a lot.  I'm surprised that my 16-year old Himalayan cat Oliver didn't scream like a lunatic the entire time we were shooting it.  I guess we got lucky. But anyway. As you'll see in the video, we're running a contest in which the person who donates the most money to our IndieGoGo campaign between May 27th-June 2nd will receive a pretty amazing prize.  You'll receive your choice of 1 free session of:

This is great, as not only will you be supporting comedy and the arts, but if you're a parent, you can go out for the night and completely ignore the welfare of your children.  Or if you don't have kids, just veg on the couch and watch TV while we walk your dog.  Or whatever.

Also, we improvise a song.  I used to play guitar in a band back in high school, but haven't played much since those days.  It was fun picking one up and strumming a few chords.  Nobody will ever mistake me for The Edge, but maybe that's just because I'm not wearing one of those little hats that he always has on.

Lastly, you can still check out our original promotional video either here or on our IndieGoGo campaign page.  Thanks again for your support!