Fights usually start because people don't know when to shut up.
Gwee Li Sui
Whenever you point a finger at someone, you're also pointing a thumb at the guy next to him and three fingers at the guy next to you.
Gwee Li Sui
Getting into trouble in Singapore is dangerous. Because a lot of people will help you.
Gwee Li Sui
MC: The first Christmas song we'd like to sing to you is... Does anyone want to guess? [Silence.] MC: Come on, can someone guess? How about you? [Goes to a kid.] What do you think our first Christmas song is? Kid: Jingle Bells. MC: Err... Here's a clue. It starts, O... Kid: O We Wish You A Merry Christmas.
Me: Hello? Caller: Hello. Me: Yes? Caller: Hello. Me: You called? Caller: I called? Me: Yes, you called. Caller: Oh. Is this 6- Me: No. Caller: Is this 6- Me: No. Caller: Oh. Me: Yea. Caller: Sorry!
This is why I hate phonecalls!
Salesgirl: Hi, sir! Would you like to - Me: No. Salesgirl: Would you like to se- Me: No. Salesgirl: Would you li- Me: No. Salesgirl: Can you let me f- Me: No.
Impatient man waiting for me to go through a stack of 2nd-hand comics on sale starts reading some titles to his kid: "So what would you like to have? Strangers in Paradise? The Dark Knight Returns? Jack of Fables? 100 Bullets?..."
Yale-NUS President: That book is going to make you very rich! Me: Hahahaha! [After 10 seconds] You mean my poetry? Yale-NUS President: No, the other book. Me: Right. Hahahaha!
Rev Yap Kim Hao was the first Methodist bishop I knew about when I became a Christian at 14. I didn't know him personally until decades later, when Facebook came along. By that time, I had become what I call a Kryptonian Methodist - a displaced Methodist - and Rev Yap had long retired. I had several online exchanges with him and Rev Miak Siew, and soon they felt led to invite me to preach at Free Community Church. That happened on 6 April 2014. It was also when I finally met Rev Yap and Mrs Yap face to face. Rev Yap gave me great support for my sermon and related what he thought my strengths were. Above all, he and his wife were very appreciative that I was open to do what most mainstream Christians in Singapore wouldn't, simply to fellowship with the FCC congregation. They were full of joy that they now knew another Methodist who understood where their hearts laid and asked me to keep supporting FCC. Since then, I've preached at FCC several times as my promise to Rev Yap and his wife. Each time this hermit joins my siblings-in-Christ there, I find that I take away more than I have brought to them. The place is filled with beautiful souls! I'll be preaching at FCC again in 2 Sundays' time. My sadness grows in knowing how I won't get Rev Yap's enthusiastic guidance and encouragement for the first time when I step down from the pulpit.
Some people - dun say who - buy my books say sarpork me, then later find them cheaper elsewhere say I owe them monay. Dun say who hor!
Holds lift for auntie. Auntie: Thank you! Thank you! Me: Kampung spirit mah. Auntie: Ey, you oso live this floor ah? Me: Ya. Auntie: You live at the corner ah? Me: Ya. Auntie: You live alone ah? Me: Ya. Auntie: You neh go out one ah? Me: Now going out lor. Auntie: How much your unit ah? Me: Huh? Auntie: How much lah? Me: Err... Auntie: You should rent out your place, you know? Can make a lot of money... Me: Auntie, you get out liao. Auntie: Oh, thanks. [Steps out.] Rent your... Closes the lift door.
Come on, the plural of footage isn't footages. It's feetage.
Girl with clipboard gives me the sweetest smile, and I start running. She shouts after me, "Dun run, hansum! I wan to talk to you!" I reply, "No, you dowan! And I not hansum!"
Man: Hi sir, here's a free gift for you. Me: Err, no thanks. I have to go. Man: Take it! It's free! Me: Err, OK. Thanks. Man: Now, how may I address you? Me: Gwee. Man: Could you step over to this table? Me: I have no time. I have to go. Man: It'll just be a short while please? Me: No, I have to go. Man: Please? Just pretend? Me: No, I have to go! Man: Please please please please please? Me: No! Take your gift back! It's not free! Man: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE? Me: (run like crazy.)
Unker Wisdom #8: Being valued for what we think we deserve is overrated. I love being underestimated. When people think they already understood you, you enter a space where you can observe them as they truly are. Whereas, when people think highly of you, they try to appear as what they want you to think about them.
Taking guns away from Americans is like taking free plastic bags away from Singaporeans.
What a hectic day! At noon, I saw a jogger under a tree waiting for the green light. I asked if he had been running. He said yes. "Well," I went on. "You'll sweat more if you wait in the sun."
Unker mode on!