perfect !!!

subject: my cat

symptoms:

diagnosis: baby

course of action: kiss on the head

I don’t really approach parts if there’s something relatable–mainly because if I was just going after parts that seem somehow relatable to my real life self it would just be consistently playing chronically insecure losers. Not exactly the best career in the world.

His third eye is wide open

finding out picasso died in 1973 feels like the fakest thing ive ever heard. everyone talks about him like he lived in a cave with nothing but a torch and paint he made from berries or bear shit or somethin but nah this dude probably sat down watchin looney tunes thinkin “damn i should draw some dude with a nose on his forehead thatd be dope” i feel so lied to

poor old granny scorpion-shoes. no one ever saw her death coming

it was pneumonia.

yes, her pet scorpion pneumonia, who lived in her shoe. tragic.

he shot her point blank

you forgot this panel

the most obnoxious part of the holiday season is commercials that try to sound like ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas and have a dinky xylophone playing in the background while the narrator tells you in rhyme to buy a Ford

honestly it is SO goddamn funny whenever some straight man calls me a whore or a bitch or something like girl you think that shit hurts my feelings? my closest friend once told me i dressed like an accounting major going through her 2nd divorce while trying to get her oldest stepchild to call her once a month. THATS a real insult. try harder.

I love this post because one time my younger sister told me I looked like a turtle from one of the Ice Age movies and since then nothing has cut me deeper than that

yea that’s him :/

No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.

this is UPS driver erasure

I’ve never seen a UPS person. They toss those packages from the highway. Don’t even stop.

Support Stewart Semple and his quest to keep color in the public domain

no YOU live in a society. i live in an “abandoned” victorian castle “infested” with vampires with a huge library containing first edition books that have been banned by the catholic church for immoral content

If I was going to put the Horrible Goose in a D&D game, I wouldn’t make it some big high-CR threat – it’d just be a regular goose that’s capable of regular goose stuff, with three significant exceptions:

1. It can show up anywhere, even if there’s no reasonable way for it to have gotten there.

2. It seems to have limited ontological intertia. If the players imprison it, it vanishes from its prison when they’re not looking. If they kill it, another goose shows up eventually. It’d be impossible to prove that it’s always the same goose, save for the third notable trait…

3. …namely, that it doesn’t show up in divinations. Like, at all. Predictions don’t take it into account. Scrying on its location reveals an empty room. Spells that would detect it or read its mind act like there’s no valid target present. If the cleric communes with their god and asks about it, their god has no idea what the cleric is talking about. It might take some doing to arrange for the players to become aware of this property, so don’t force it – the opportunity will arise!

There we go. No goofy boss monster tricks, yet it’s guaranteed to drive your players nuts – not even by harassing them, necessarily, but just by existing as they try to figure out what it means, particularly once they learn of the third trait discussed above.

I hate it. It’s going in every game I run forever