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Neal Caffrey

@consbondsandforgery / consbondsandforgery.tumblr.com

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mutationisnotadisease asked:

[text] Don’t talk to me! You tried to trade me for a glass of wine and a cigarette!

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Charles [sent]: It was a 1787 Chateau d'Yquem, one glass of that stuff costs more than my house! Are you really going to hold that against me? It's delicious! And I don't even smoke so I suppose you can get angry at me over that bit, but the wine, Charles! I love the wine!

Charles [sent]: Besides... You know I wouldn't have let them leave with you. I'd have found a way to get you back...

#mutationisnotadisease#answered
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xinsideyourhead-deactivated2016 asked:

Cutie Pie

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If we lived together we’d:[x] Argue ((It happens with everyone))[x] Get it on once in a while[ ] Eat Ice Cream For Breakfast[x] Watch movies late at night[ ] Prank Call People[ ] Pranks each other[x] Cuddle[ ] Party[ ] We’d Never Live In The Same House[ ] Shop[ ] Play games[x] Read bedtime stories[x] Cook whatever we felt like eating together[x] Get on each other’s nerves[ ] Who are you

About you:[ ] I love you.[ ] I’ve liked you before.[x] I like you now.[x] You’re cute[x] need to talk more.[ ] need to chill.[x] I’d makeout with you.[x] I wanted to kiss you before.[ ] I’d slap you.[x] I’m happy to have you in my life.[ ] I don’t know you .[ ] Ex.[ ] Let’s try again[ ] I miss you[x] We’re good friends[x] we’ve kissed before

Would I Date You?[x] Yes ✔[] No ✘[] Maybe[x] You deserve better[] I don’t know

Your Best Feature:[x] Lips[] Eyes[] Hair[x] Personality[] Everything[] I don’t know you well enough

#xinsideyourhead#answered
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reblogged
abscxnditum-archive-deactivated

Send me "Cutie Pie" and I will answer all of these

If we lived together we’d: [ ] Argue [ ] Get it on once in a while [ ] Eat Ice Cream For Breakfast [ ] Watch movies late at night [ ] Prank Call People [ ] Pranks each other [ ] Cuddle [ ] Party [ ] We’d Never Live In The Same House [ ] Shop [ ] Play games [ ] Read bedtime stories [ ] Cook whatever we felt like eating together [ ] Get on each other’s nerves [ ] Who are you

About you: [ ] I love you. [ ] I’ve liked you before. [ ] I like you now. [ ] You’re cute [ ] need to talk more. [ ] need to chill. [ ] I’d makeout with you. [ ] I wanted to kiss you before. [ ] I’d slap you. [ ] I’m happy to have you in my life. [ ] I don’t know you . [ ] Ex. [ ] Let’s try again [ ] I miss you [ ] We’re good friends [ ] we’ve kissed before

Would I Date You? [] Yes ✔ [] No ✘ [] Maybe [] You deserve better [] I don’t know

Your Best Feature: [] Lips [] Eyes [] Hair [] Personality [] Everything [] I don’t know you well enough

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reblogged

lmao we need to make a group. There are several of us, I think.

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consbondsandforgery

Saying you would play with Moriarty is not a good method of talking me out of making him! HAHA Whyyyyy *rolls around* I need to join this group right now or he is going to be a thing before I go to bed *nods*

#twistedbytheabyss#ooc
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reblogged
shieldintheice
Now accepting formal applications to be my valentine.
Name: Age: Height: Location: Interests: Why do you want to be my valentine:
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abscxnditum-archive-deactivated
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consbondsandforgery
abscxnditum-archive-deactivated asked:

[text] That is definitely not healthy, in fact I’m not sure it’s legal to send that sort of picture?

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consbondsandforgery answered:

Lexie [sent]: Well I am hardly known for keeping on the right side of the law, Lexie. The more important question is - did you like it?

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Neal [sent]: …yes. I did. You really have to ask?

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consbondsandforgery

Lexie [sent]: Of course I need to ask, I'm just as self conscious as the next man, you know. 

#doppelgangercomplex
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consbondsandforgery asked:

[text] I’ve been hiding under the bed for the past 20 minutes, and now they’re getting into it and it’s a little too late for me to jump out and surprise them. So expect a live sex updates

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abscxnditum-archive-deactivated answered:

Neal [sent]: WHERE ARE YOU?!

Neal [sent]: Ok, let me grab the popcorn…

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Neal [sent]: Ok, I’m ready… send those texts.

Neal [sent]: Of course I’m a—-wait, no, put down those earplugs! How are you supposed to text me if you don’t know what’s happening?! That’s totally not fair.

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consbondsandforgery

Lexie [sent]: I can tell you that by the gentle rocking of the bed above me, they have most likely just started and Peter is being rather sentimental in his love making. 

Lexie [sent]: I don't need my ears to give you updates. A bed's protests are enough to go on

#doppelgangercomplex
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consbondsandforgery asked:

[text] I’ve been hiding under the bed for the past 20 minutes, and now they’re getting into it and it’s a little too late for me to jump out and surprise them. So expect a live sex updates

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abscxnditum-archive-deactivated answered:

Neal [sent]: WHERE ARE YOU?!

Neal [sent]: Ok, let me grab the popcorn…

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consbondsandforgery

Lexie [sent]: I'm under the bed, I thought I covered this already? They are really getting into it. 

Lexie [sent]: Put down the popcorn and come here with earplugs! Oh! Earplugs! I could listen to music on my phone! You're a genius

#doppelgangercomplex#yes - he is at Peters haha
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reblogged
abscxnditum-archive-deactivated

SUPER TEXT LIST! (Texts From Last Night Inspired)

  • [text] Are you lost?
  • [text] NO! That was a typo
  • [text] Did you buy it?
  • [text] I think I’m a mermaid
  • [text] I know it’s 3am, but come over and cook for me. 
  • [text] Too lazy to booty call, so have this text instead
  • [text] Need to bury a body, it’s urgent.
  • [text] Are you sure there’s no monsters?
  • [text] It was an accident.
  • [text] lol fuk da police
  • [text] send me a picture and i’ll be home quicker ;)
  • [text] DO NOT READ THE LAST MESSAGE IT WASN’T MEANT FOR YOU
  • [text] Well maybe I broke my tongue!
  • [text] Please tell me you’re free today! I’ve got some big news today.
  • [text] Got a spare ticket, do you want to come?
  • [text] Do you have a spare mankini I can borrow?
  • [text] Is fancy dress allowed at the wedding?
  • [text] I was using my old baby blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
  • [text] We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead… I just rolled off and tapped out. 
  • [text] Like alphabetically, I’d say a t?
  • [text] I’m sorry if throwing up in the back of your dad’s car ruined our friendship :(
  • [text] there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night singing karaoke and drink out of juice cartons. don’t judge me.
  • [text] I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn’t need it today.
  • [text] Do you know where I am?
  • [text] My wedding is in 5 hours and I have no idea where I am. Help!
  • [text] We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would get a piggy back ride home. I’ve never been so broken.
  • [text] Is “head down ass up” an appropriate way to say good morning?
  • [text] That is definitely not healthy, in fact I’m not sure it’s legal to send that sort of picture?
  • [text] There isn’t enough cookie dough ice cream at home, so I’ll be heartbroken tomorrow instead.
  • [text] Not sure if I took a nap or went to another dimension
  • [text] ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION! HE IS A TRIPLET, WE DONT NEED TO FIGHT OVER HIM WE CAN HAVE AN ORGY INSTEAD
  • [text] No no don’t leave me, who’s going to walk me home
  • [text] She wheeled me home in a trolley and sad she loved me, I think I win.
  • [text] My dick just got serenaded.
  • [text] I ate the whole wheel of cheese. Help.
  • [text] I’ve been hiding under the bed for the past 20 minutes, and now they’re getting into it and it’s a little too late for me to jump out and surprise them. So expect a live sex updates
  • [text] The fridge is fully stocked. I’m either hallucinating or this is a miracle
  • [text] I need you to help me clean the house because I have visitors in less than an hour???
  • [text] Your brother is at the front door- WHAT DO I SAY?!
  • [text] It’s all fun and games till someone says you’re so pretty they could punch you and they, you know, punch you
  • [text] I’m in A&E but I don’t really know why
  • [text] Went to bed with a 10, just about woke up with a 2 and a half
  • [text] I think I’m officially a homewrecker because his wife just walked in screaming and he said it’s not what it looks like. I mean what else could it look like? I wasn’t trimming his hairs with my mouth?!
  • [text] My night ended with me crying in a gutter, I hate you.
  • [text] He’s decorated the toilet with his urine. I never want to see him ever again, tell him he has 2 minutes to get out of our house.
  • [text] Don’t talk to me! You tried to trade me for a glass of wine and a cigarette!
  • [text] I promise I’ll get everyone to jelly wrestle with us xox
  • [text] I am armed with a crown, a sash and a bouquet of flowers. Don’t test me.
  • [text] I think I got married last night?
  • [text] I think I got married on impulse last night… and after looking a second time, I don’t think i’ve made any mistakes.
  • [text] My mouth tastes like poor choices
  • [text] I didn’t let go of the mechanical bull, but they had to pull me off because… it was rough just the way I like it and I think that showed?
  • [text] If I say it was accidental you’ll just say I’m lying
  • [text] There is an alarming amount of glitter in my… everywhere
  • [text] You’re my hero
  • [text] You’re the worst thing to ever happen to me, thank you
  • [text] Have you ever had a good idea in your life?
  • [text] Are we going to end up in the hospital again?
  • [text] It’s not a good night if I don’t end up crying into your mother’s lap.
  • [text] Mark my words, your dad will be my sugar daddy, he’ll marry me and you’ll have to call me momma bear and I will interrupt your sex life with condoms and condiments.
  • [text] I’m may be allergic to nuts, but not his.
  • [text] She high fived me out of pity
  • [text] You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
  • [text] You just walked in, rated their performance, dragged in three other people to clap for them, then walked back out.
  • [text] You kept calling me baby Jesus and trying to see what wise men had to say about my hair…
  • [text] I am a responsible adult. I tied up my hair before I puked
  • [text] I am a responsible adult, I brought home a lost kitten and let it shit in your room
  • [text] I accidentally talked myself into a threesome, when did I become so smooth?
  • [text] It may or may not have been your sister…
  • [text] It may or may not have been your brother…
  • [text] If you’re not coming over with food, don’t come over at all
  • [text] Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My co-worker is talking to me about her birds having sex again…
  • [text] IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
  • [text] Buy me a helicopter, I will give you the last slice of pizza. pls. this is important. okay maybe the crust?
  • [text] Let’s never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
  • [text] I tried to put lipstick on my eyeballs, help.
  • [text] I told her my cum counts as protein shake and she sent a text to my gran saying I ate her cat.
  • [text] If you don’t fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we’re alone in your room, I’m returning you to the boyfriend store
  • [text] I accidentally sexted your mum, I’m sorry xox
  • [text] There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
  • [text] I feel like you’re pretending I didn’t bail you out of jail last night for trying to staple a cushion to the top of their car so you had a “comfy place to sit”
  • [text] You climbed the fence and then started crying because you were scared of hamsters, I really don’t know what you took, but you need a babysitter.
  • [text]  I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a “let’s fuck” way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of “let me wash your hair” way.
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reblogged
supposedlyschizotelepath

VALENTINE'S INSPIRED MEMES

  • "He loves me, he loves me not… oh."
  • "She loves me, she loves me not… oh."
  • "I don’t think it’s love…"
  • "So, is there anyone you’re secretly crushing on?"
  • "I don’t even like chocolate."
  • "Yeah, nothing says ‘I love you’ more than a bouquet that’ll die in two days…"
  • "I’m not sure if they’re a secret admirer or a stalker… but at least they have good taste in gifts."
  • "Oh! It’s my favourite time of year."
  • "If I send a mass text to all the people I like, I don’t need to get all of them gifts do I?"
  • "I’ve never had a Valentine."
  • "Will you be my Valentine?"
  • "Do you have a Valentine yet?"
  • "No one ever serenades me any more."
  • "Just don’t write a song and play it in front of everyone again… it’s embarrassing."
  • "Any secret admirers?"
  • "Oh, so you’re my secret admirer?"
  • "I may have been admiring you not so secretly."
  • "Just because you like me doesn’t mean the feeling is mutual."
  • "Seeing as we’ve both not got anyone, do you want to come to mine and watch a film?
  • "We’re never getting back together."
  • "So, he got me a teddy bear, but we fought and he tore off it’s head."
  • "How about instead of being ridiculous on one day of the year, you just be a decent partner for the other 364 days?!"
  • "We’re not together any more."
  • "If you haven’t booked a table we definitely won’t get to eat there on such short notice."
  • "It’s just Valentine’s day… I don’t see the big deal."
  • "What do you mean you didn’t get me anything?"
  • "I’m feeling sick, is it okay if we arrange our date for another night?"
  • "I’m not sure if they’re a secret admirer or a stalker…."
  • "Well… they don’t know I’m going out with you so we’re going to have a girls night sitting in and cry about being single…"
  • "I’ve got the lube and strawberries, we’re all set!"
  • "I got out the whipped cream and she slammed the door in my face."
  • "I am not wearing that."
  • "When he said he would give me a pearl necklace, I thought I was getting actual jewellery."
  • "It would have been a lot more romantic if you de-thorned the rose before you put it in your mouth…"
  • "I’m all for dressing up… but, how do you wear this?"
  • "If I see another couple holding hands, I’ll… I’ll-"
  • "Young love, isn’t it sweet?"
  • "Who did you get all these roses for?"
  • "I don’t love you, I’m just hear for the chocolate."
  • "So, let me get this right, you want me to be a stand in to make the person you like jealous?"
  • "Valentines? Pft!"
  • "That’s the least romantic thing anyone has ever said to me…"
  • "What are you doing? Why are you on one knee? Get up! Get up!"
  • "My mum gave me a rose because she felt sorry for me."
  • "Look, you can buy me all the chocolate’s in the world, I still won’t go out with you."
  • "A diamond ring? I appreciate the offer… but don’t you think this is a bit… excessive?"
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