Carpe Natem

Once upon a time…

I really wish the overused sentence “You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” was less relevant but here we are

stop doing coke with these jokes and come smoke crackula with dracula

Every time I post a glimpse of my wonderful and intriguing home, everybody's like, "Hey, what the fuck is that thing?" and the answer is simple:

It's one of my signature objects, which I am known worldwide for owning and having.

This is not only a common misconception but a hateful mindset. I hope a wizard turns you into a little tiny tchotchke and you end up on my shelf.

I started using Head and Shoulders ten years ago for itchy scalp and dandruff, and then for ten years I have not had itchy scalp and dandruff, so I thought "why do I still buy shampoo to combat itchy scalp and dandruff when I do not have itchy scalp and dandruff," so I stopped buying the shampoo for itchy scalp and dandruff and can you guess I have now? Can you predict what currently afflicts me? It's alright if you can't because apparently I fuckin couldn't either

Cutting something out of your life because you think you don't need it any more only to realize that it was in fact working as intended and preventing a problem that will return should you stop doing this is a good experiment to run periodically with something small like dandruff shampoo, lest you start to think it would be a good idea to do this with like let's say public health and the social safety net and vaccines

I had a liver transplant when I was 14 and like six months later I was chatting with my surgeon and he said “there’s gonna come a time, probably when you’re a teenager, where you’re gonna think, ‘I feel great, why am I still taking all this medication? I haven’t needed it in years.’ and you’re gonna want to stop taking all this medication. Guess what’s gonna happen then? You’re gonna go into rejection and your liver is gonna start failing, and you’re gonna be dying again, and we’re gonna have to find you another liver. So don’t do that.” And I said “why the fuck would anyone do that?” and he said “people are stupid.”

every once in a while when I get annoyed by a pharmacy or don’t wanna get out of bed to do my drugs I think “ugh, this is dumb, why do I do this?” and that conversation slams into me like a truck and I remember that I am, in fact, stupid

It's important to go into any "do I still need this?" test prepared for the answer to be a resounding "fucking absolutely" and be ready to handle it if that's the case.

Something like shampoo? Not a huge deal usually. Something like medication for physical or mental health? Discuss with your provider beforehand to assess safety of going off things and whatnot.

after recently gaining access to my medical records, i am mystified to discover that instead of recording my regular t-shot as "sustanon injection, intramuscular" (as is standard), the doctor i saw last week chose to record it as "problem: gender. history: ongoing."

how do I text this to my cat

we should legalize polyamorous marriage  for all the other reasons we should but also because I wanna see what polygamous divorce looks like

please block me if you read books with death in them. i don’t care your “reason” - it’s clear you have a death fetish, are pro-necrophilia, and think killing is okay. i don’t care if someone you know died recently or if you have a terminal illness. it is not okay to consume fiction with death in it to cope. and that’s that on that, you freaks. pro-death crowd dni.

Me: *weighs dog* oh, he's lost half a pound! Is that on purpose?

Owner: no. He was 16 pounds before and the doctor said that was too much, so I decreased the amount of food.

Me: ah, so it is on purpose!

Owner: no, I just decreased his food is all, because he was too heavy.

Me: so you're trying to get him to lose weight....

Owner: no.

.... my coworker was laughing when I walked into treatment with the dog....

Me by photographer Steven Harwick, AKA Bound Leather Zine (@intoguilt)

robert pattinson, on his consistent lies // david lynch // will wood, on his fake daughter // kurt vonnegut // tumblr user intactics

burning man 2023 explained

and lastly: when the ground here gets wet, the sea monkeys hatch

tumblr trying to be like tiktok then trying to be like twitter then giving us the 3rd unreality inducing immersive ad, its staff members being condescending to the userbase, the marketing team trying to parasocialize their way into your pockets, youtube trying to do away with adblockers after upping the percentage of ads by 40% and making it so even if your video is demonetized watchers will still get them, youtube removing the dislike button then making it so you don't get a home feed if you have watch history turned off, google being able to remove your synched bookmarks if they don't comply with their policy, if i listed every way in which twitter has gotten worse in the last year this post will be as long as a novel, ai generated articles and images everywhere, google searches sucking ass in general, reddit charging for its api, KOSA being introduced into the US senate, tiktok in general, every social media under the fucking sun introducing log in walls, being unable to browse most sites on mobile from the sheer amount of popups taking over your screen WAUUUGH social media being products and thus requiring infinite growth and thus trying to introduce newer and newer shit that alienates its dedicated userbase. saturated sludge era of the internet

*touching his extremely defined six pack* who did this to you.....

*gently lifting a cup of water to his lips* it's going to be okay. *choking back tears* just a few more sips and then we'll get you a sandwich...

Reblog to give a glass of water to every dehydrated actor with shrink wrapped abs whose life was endangered for a shirtless scene

Getting Ready by George Thomas Georgiadis (1933-2010)

Well, you know, some bathroom graffiti offers insight.

Red marker handwriting on a bathroom wall. Text reads:

“Boss made a dollar Granddad made a dime But that was a poem From a simpler time.

Boss made a thousand Gave pa a cent But that penny paid the mortgage Or at least it paid the rent

Now Boss makes a million And gives us jack Smugly blames the workers For the labor that he lacks.”

And the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls and tenement halls.