Let’s Talk About Gal Pal!

I feel like it’s been forever since the last entry.

First of all, Happy New Year!  We’re already practically done with January, so there’s that.  The best way to sum it up though is that now I have a reason to get excited about Valentine’s Day!  I’ve been dating One person since I called it Done with ShyGirl.  And we’ve both been on the same close-lipped page of not wanting to fuck it up, because it’s such a good time.  But at this point, you could basically say, we’re doing the thing.

I don’t open Tinder anymore.  And even when I did, it didn’t feel right anymore.  I swiped left on gorgeous girls or just felt like I was turning my back on her for even looking at other people.  We both caught feelings.  And they’re getting very serious.

The Ballad of Shy Girl

Hey Tumblr,

It’s almost been a full 4 weeks since the last entry.  Almost a month, but not quite.  And I wanted to focus this one on that Sunday Girl I’ve been dating.  We actually went on 4 dates, which sounds exciting on paper, but the reality is unfortunately quite lame.  Last time I didn’t have a proper name for her, because I just met her.  But now I certainly do.  This one was Shy Girl.

My Major Turnaround

Hey folks,

Things have really turned around for me in the past 2 weeks - a month.  Honestly I could have and should have written earlier, because there was a lot of build up and toss up between 3 jobs that I could’ve taken at one point.  It would’ve been interesting to analyze how I felt in that moment before I made a decision, and relive that in future readings.  I also have to tell you about my recent luck in the Dating Scene!

When Evolution Takes a Misstep

Hey gang,

This is gonna be a shorter one, because in 3 weeks not too much has changed.  And yet a tone has certainly changed with my Tinder Girl.  [I need a new nickname for her, because I’m bound to meet others on Tinder too.]. I suppose I’ll go with Gal Pal for now.

I’m Still Evolving. And I like it!

Hey Tumblr!  It’s been a while.

I haven’t written in over a month, because honestly life’s been pretty similar lately.  I’ve fallen into a steady routine of taking care of myself.  Physical work outs have waned in place of working out mentally.  And what I mean by that is, I’ve been continuing my Self-Work with my Diary Entries and just recently caught up to 2019.  That was a Hell of a trip.

But I didn’t get on here to rant about that.  Instead, I wanted to acknowledge the now, since for the past few weeks, it seems like all I’ve been doing is living in the past.

Focusing on my Past & my Future for the Present

I’m back to where I was 2 rants ago, almost.  I’m happier and Owning my Awesome again.  But not much has changed.  Perhaps I’ve healed a bit.  I dunno.  Doing this Self Work has given me some clarity. It’s almost my own form of closure at what the fuck has happened in the last 5 years.  Cataloging this very same blog, with a neat and tidy Rant section has also been interesting and insightful.  I was a very different person in 2015 and 2016.

2017 was when some major changes occurred when we were living together, but I was already unhappy and unsatisfied with too many things in the relationship.  And whenever I received outside attention that was in my favor... I took what I could get.  They were online interactions, so I didn’t think much of them.  She would be asleep in the other room, or inattentive romantically by 2018.  We were already in a bad place.  And I’ve already known for a while that on August 11th of 2018, I already felt like it was the Unofficial End of us.  Everything else was us holding on to whatever we had and trying to make it work.  Except... we never did the work.  I’m partially to blame for that.  It wasn’t worth it to me...

How on Earth we let a whole other year go in 2019 is beyond me.  I truly have no idea.  That’s gonna be an interesting one to analyze.

Like I said, I’ve been doing the Self-Work these past 2 weeks.  The process is proving to take longer than I expected, but it’s far more rewarding in the end than it is chorish or taxing.  Even though it’s literal work, sitting, analyzing and writing my life out on the page, there’s something to it that’s really therapeutic.  And as I stated at the beginning it just gives me Clarity.

So now I’m not as mopey. I turn the TV on again for fun and I’ve even worked on music again for fun too.  And of course I’m applying.  In fact, that’s mostly the purpose of this rant.  I got an Interview on Thursday and a Date on Friday!

Party’s Over

Sorta...

I was depressed for a whole week after that last bout of 2 flakes in a row from The Bailer.  I legit wanted to do nothing all week. Not even put on fun stuff to watch.  That’s not like me.  I wasn’t owning my Awesome.  I wasn’t feeling Awesome at all...

Needy Girl has been there for me on FB and she’s come over here and there.  We’re working on a Puzzle now as sort of a time-passer, OT sort of thing...  And we do bang, but it’s different.  I think she understands that I’m in a place right now and that I’m really hurt.

What’s crazier is that I’m more annoyed than anything about The Bailer, but what’s really hurting me still is all that stuff that happened with the Goth Mom, which was over a Month ago at this point!  I’ve been Emotionally Flip Flopping.  Back and Forth between I Deserve Better, and What the Hell Happened?

And if that wasn’t enough...  the Federal Help of the extra $600 a week ran out this weekend..  Today was my first day of claiming Normal Unemployment and it’s trash.  I can not live on that alone.  I knew this day was coming, but I thought I had more time...  I knew Unemployment was ending in September.  I didn’t know Federal Aid would end in July...

FUCK THIS!!

I’ve been talking to that new contact all week, but she didn’t pass the 5 day test.  In fact, she royally fucked up, twice. Twice we made date plans, and twice she Bailed on me.  So that’s what we’re calling this one..  The Bailer!

FUCK, man.

The story isn’t over, and in fact is ongoing, but expectations have cooled waaaaaaaay down since the introduction.  Our mutual friend made it sound like she was so excited to text me and get to know me, and that this was really happening.  That she wanted to go on a date soon..

NOOOO.  She didn’t want any of that!!!  She’s been panicking all week, while I’ve been nice and attentive to her.

We like talking, she finds me genuinely sweet and nice to talk to.  She wants to keep that up.  So that’s all a good sign.. We bonded on bad long-term relationships and she was upfront about her healing process.  We both have Anxiety, so that’s actually an attractor believe it or not.  But this is the downside of that.  BAILING on plans that SHE made!!!!!

So what happened...

Owning My Awesome

It’s been over a week since we basically stopped talking.  2 weeks since the post-lust downfall.  It was her own undoing.  I did nothing wrong.  And it makes no sense.  But I have to keep reminding myself that.  It makes moving on easier.

In the past week I have been able to soldier on.  Thinking about the lust-filled night just upsets me now.  I don’t get wistful or mopey.  I feel resentful and cheated.  Like legit, everything we were just setting up, any trust that was about to begin... didn’t even matter.  I used to not be able to trust the 2nd good date.  Now I can’t even trust the 3rd date that actually goes somewhere.

However, I’ve been doing me, man...  There’s not much to say here, this time.  My Daily Cardio continues, which has been really therapeutic for the Anxiety.  I’ve been playing more video games than usual, because I need the escape, but they’ve been enjoyable.  I’m working on Red Dead 2, lately.  My music and writing projects still remain, and I always feel better every time I accomplish something new in that regard.  Apartment maintenance could be better, but I’m less reluctant to do chores again, so that’s a good sign.

But you want to hear about dates, don’t you?

Too Good to be True

Well, I’ve been waiting to see how things would play out a little bit, but this week wasn’t really great with Goth Mom at all.  In fact, it feels like things completely sunk... I hate it, but it’s true.  And I have to make my peace with it.

I Never Thought I’d Get Here!

I can’t believe how everything’s playing out.

The 2nd date happened, and it definitely went well.  We had a great time at the Mexican place, and I talked to her as much as possible at my car and hers before she absolutely had to go.  When we said goodbye, it was a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I enjoyed my time, but I still felt like this was a very simple, slow pace.  But I also didn’t mind it.

That night Nerdy Girl was all over me on messenger asking how it was and getting mopey about us.  And we ended up having a borderline argument about what we’re doing.  I gave her my perspective of everything and it really made her think about things.  I brought up stuff I mentioned from the last blog too - if she had considered the consequences about what our friends would think.  Here, they meant for me to hook up with Goth Mom, but instead Nerdy Girl & I get together and she broke up with her long-term boyfriend...

That one, doesn’t look good on paper, man... But I’m not stringing her along either.  I’ve fully admitted that I don’t know what I’m doing and that I don’t know what I want.  And by the end of the conversation, given enough perspective, she decided that for now it’s best for us to be Friends with Benefits.

With that agreement in check and both of us on the same page, we agreed to see each other the next day.  And that’s when the inevitable happened. I’m gonna be a gentleman about it.  I won’t kiss and tell.  But it was good!

...That same DAY a 3rd factor came into the picture, which I wasn’t expecting, but it’s not really worth mentioning.  My 2 close friends are getting married next year and they wanted me to meet their friend, since she’s going to be my partner in the Wedding Party.  They thought we would hit it off, and she was fun...  But, I’m not invested.  My mind is on Goth Mom & Nerdy Girl.

Buuuut, while I was out having that good time at a Bar again for the first time in 4 months... I got a text from Goth Mom.  She wanted to see me again the next day.  She told me when she got out of work and right there we made the plan to watch a movie at my place.  This was it!!!

This Would Be So Much Easier if I was a Player...

So things have definitely gotten exciting, on both ends.  Which only makes this harder.  But let’s focus on the positives.  Goth Mom & I went on a date last week and we’re up to Date 2 this week!  [I’m not gonna differentiate between Goth Dog & Goth Cat mom anymore.  The latter isn’t in the equation anymore.  She’s just an online acquaintance that’s fun to talk to.] But yes, Goth Mom & I had a really great time hiking on trails in a nice park that I’ve never been to.  We walked for 3 HOURS!!!  A decent chunk of time was spent chilling on a log where we opened up to each other and learned each other more.  And when conversation ran out, we defaulted to, “I’m having a great time,” which is good.

Meanwhile, Metal Cat girl has definitely gotten steamier with me.  And just yesterday she had a major break-through, or break-up, I should say with her long-term relationship.  So now...  I’m in trouble.  Because I absolutely like both of them for very different reasons.  This would be so much easier if I was a player...