i think i’m going to become an unreliable narrator. if you see me obscuring the full truth or saying things that directly contradict each other, don’t worry about it.

Nicolas Cage, 2020

it’s giving too much. he wants to do numbers on tumblr so bad

Well Imma give them to him, cuz that jacket fucks

i got nacho cheese on my shirt and a lot of opinions about the government

name one

ronald reagan should be dug up and shot again

didn’t they do this to a previous pope but instead of being shot his corpse was put on trial

sounds exactly like what i want to happen to reagan except for the part where they put his corpse on trial you see i want to dig up ronald reagan and shoot him *adjusts glasses and eats some cheetos*

chasing that rat poison high....

im immune to it cause im not a rat

thank you for getting me to read the funniest sentence upon earth

i bet those colors only shrimp can see suck major ass

jealousy isn’t the way bro

The shrimp aren’t gonna have sex with you.

you take that back right fucking now

Trust me mom, I've been searching LinkedIn for "court jester" and nobody is hiring!

No, look, I-

Yes, grandpa was able to walk in, insult the king, and got hired but times have ch-

THAT'LL GET ME BEHEADED!

sometimes you have to pretend your kitchen is a club dance floor and get a little whorish while cooking your frozen pizza. it’s called living deliciously in a pandemic

Imagine the amount of rage j.d. salinger would feel if you wrote a sequel to his Important Big Boy Book in which Holden calls something "hella poggers"

"kissing my boyfriend and girlfriend at the same time is hella poggers" --Holden Caulfield, after killing a vampire in Catcher in the Rye 2: Blood Moon

Responding to a pandemic in the world’s wealthiest and most powerful nation:

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE APOLOGIZING FOR BECAUSE I’M COMPLETELY CONFUSED

The RNA vaccines approved for COVID-19 in the US both need to be distributed at extremely low temperatures. Like 40F lower than any other mass-distributed medicine.

It turns out the Dippin Dots company runs the only nationwide supply chain that’s ever operated at those temperatures. So all these big serious health orgs are consulting the expertise of, and even exploring renting equipment from, The Ice Cream of the Future™️.

WODJSKXNSIJXSKD

I beg your pardon

- A luxury you can’t live without? - A luxury I can’t live without? Coffee. I really like good coffee. - That’s not a luxury, you can get it anywhere. - …I like nice socks?

[id: gifs of larry king interviewing danny pudi. larry says, “that’s not a luxury, though. coffee and socks are not a luxury. danny says, “alright, give me a luxury. which - … what luxury should i have?“larry says, “a private plane.” danny says, a bit incredulously, “…. larry, i’m on ducktales.” end id]

Bear witness to the disconnect between a Boomer’s idea of luxury and a Millennial’s.

I like to think they're the same apartment

gay🙋‍♂️irl

imagine a calico cat

now tabby

Slow down I’m still working on the first one

sorry

Aight I’m ready for the next one, which is it

the man who assassinated your father

if i was at harvard in 2004 i would’ve stopped it

it being facebook

@tibby taking it for the team by giving mark Zuckerberg good dick