So yeah. Relationships! It’s weird because I haven’t dated anyone in a decade, for a variety of reasons going from “oh god i am hideous nobody will ever love me” to just being mystified and frightened of the opposite sex. But now that I AM in one, it’s uncomfortable because I feel so vulnerable, like:    HEY HERE'S MY HEART AND ALL OF MY INNERMOST FEELINGS YEP THERE YOU GO RIGHT THERE IN A BIG BOX ON THE FLOOR LOL HAVE FUN TRY NOT TO BREAK ANYTHING K THX

Hello, I am back. Still have the boyfriend. Still stress out and think about breaking up with him every two weeks or so because I’m convinced the only reason he hasn’t done so is because he’s so non-confrontational and kind, but then he proves me wrong by being wonderful, but then I go right back to thinking everything is awful and I am basically Hitler and blah blah blah. HE is fantastic. He has treated me with the utmost kindness and respect. Ultimately I am too goddamned neurotic to love. That’s going to be my Lifetime movie title - Casey Leigh: Too Crazy to Love (starring Judith Light.) Sometimes I think I would just like to go back to being single because I didn’t feel so vulnerable then! I feel like I just took my heart out and plopped it on the floor in front of him and said “HERE, HERE IS ALL OF MY AFFECTION AND VULNERABILITIES THIS IS DEFINITELY A VERY GOOD IDEA” But if there’s even a 10% chance this could work out, then I want to try it, because I really, really like him. Also I just had an 8mm kidney stone removed via lithotripsy. That was weird. I had to be put under, which means I am going to lose even MORE of my hair, so yay. Maybe not, though. We’ll see. I did lose ten pounds through this whole ordeal though, haha! But this is basically how Bistro and I hang out together these days. It started when the kidney infection (which I got from the kidney stone hanging out and screwing everything up) caused a fever and chills and all that good stuff, so I was couch-ridden for a week while doctors tried to figure out what was going on with me (even though I told them it was a kidney stone). I’d be chilling on the couch, laying on my stomach and surfing the web and Bistro, like a derp, would decide that my back made the perfect surface. So now we browse the web together like this. We’re cool.

Guys I guess I am in a relationship. Or something. With. . someone I have waited my whole life for. He fits every requirement I've always wanted in a guy, but gave up on because I thought it was too unrealistic.  Our pillow talk consists of deciphering the Legend of Zelda series timeline. That is how perfect he is. He's so smart, and so good, and funny, and handsome, and just. . wow. Wow. He lives many states away, unfortunately. And I, of course, still really struggle with insecurity - just like always. I kind of thought I was over that. He drove TEN HOURS to see me this weekend, in snow and rain. TEN HOURS. He obviously cares a lot about me. It was only three weeks ago that we admitted our feelings for each other. He sent me flowers. And now, here I am - after he has been kind of quiet the past two days and not really flirty or anything, I'm all like "OH MY GOD WHAT DID I DO HE HATES ME NOW BLAH" Now the difference between the Casey of Now and the Casey of Then is that I can recognize that I'm being illogical (and even if I'm not, there's not really anything I can do about it) - but the crazy part of my brain is all like "NOPE HE HATES YOU HE'S BACK HOME NOW AND HE REALIZES THAT YOU ARE HORRIBLE AND UNLOVABLE" So it still tugs at me, you know? So dumb. But I have to be kind of proud of myself - I do at least recognize it and don't act on it, where I would have once already written him like ten frantic emails. Ugh, it still sucks though. Insecurity is awful. And I don't get it! My self-esteem is fine, until someone like this comes in the picture. Gah. But I have to keep telling myself it will all work out for the best!

well

on sunday i'll be DMing my first game it'll be. . .something, alright.

So I have been trying lately to dress like a real live 33 year old woman instead of some Smeagol-like creature that just rolled out of bed. Especially now that I have lost so much weight and can fit into straight sizes. . .it just seems like a waste. And I SAY that each night - I even go so far as to plan out my outfits for the week and hang them up in order in my closet, but then in the morning 7 am rolls around and suddenly sleep seems way more enticing than looking like a human being. I don't need to impress my coworkers! But I'm changing that. Well, as of today I am changing that. I'm going to make an attempt to do at least three OOTD's during the week. I'm also going to figure out how to take a better picture of myself so I don't end up settling for a picture of my reflection from an awkward angle in a dirty mirror. -_- But yeah, this is an Ann Taylor Loft dress. I like it because I am inverse triangle shaped, in that my shoulders are wider than my hips. And that's awesome for being athletic but not so awesome for feeling girly and shit sometimes. :( It's also not awesome for finding stuff to freaking FIT. Pants are like jodphurs on me. Ugh. And it sucks because I kind of like how I'm built. I love hips and curves and stuff and I so wish I had them, but I also love my powerful shoulders and my muscles and my legs, you know? Anyway, because of the potato quality photo, you can't really see that the dress has darts and seams in all the right places to make me look neat and professional. I also wanted to take a close up of my tights because my tights are fucking RAD and I got them at Target for $10. The necklace is awesome and chunky and sparkly and I also got it from AT Loft. I got several compliments, which was nice. I felt like I looked pretty awesome anyway, but it was still nice to have the external validation.