Naomi Lee

sleepi said: I just cried so many happy tears!!

Awww beautiful one! I love and miss you so much <3

So I haven’t used Tumblr for a few months as per usual... umm

But I’m weirdly struggling under the weight of having lots to say and not wanting to bore everyone I come into contact with so I’m just going to throw it out here...

I am so so so in love. Beyond belief. It’s funny because I thought I was done. Finished. Loveless and empty, trust only a nostalgic idea. How could I ever have the capacity to love someone again? All my love was spent and exhausted on someone who sought to destroy me; I was a dry well, a ruined painting, a muted heart.

So at first being with you was just for fun, a warmth next to me at night, an arterial stint for the time being. But people don’t change as much as they think they do, and I became the sucker I have always been when you said I was still gorgeous and you kissed my teary face.

Still, I maintained that love was for other people now, and I let you corral me in your fear and indecision and selfishness. I didn’t know you well, but I knew that you meant well. I saw your actions not as malicious intent but as the manifestation of the same resistance to pain that I was feeling. Not a lot of people understood that.  I grew a little sadder day by day since the anniversary of dad’s death, a sort of seasonal affective disorder that stuck around longer than it was welcome. It had the hope seeping out through my feet as trailed around behind you. And then oddly enough, as I lay with my head on your lap, eyelids heavy, it occurred to me that I was in love with you. Well - that I loved you - I think being in love is a shared experience. Oh no.

I wanted to tell you but I was afraid, embarrassed even, so I drew it on your back that time we were watching Inherent Vice. I wonder if you knew.

I told you later that day and you pretended I didn’t. 

Defence mechanisms kicked in and I thought I had to get out before I humiliated myself. Someone who out of context could have been someone with potential took me home after I told you I couldn’t do it anymore and I let things implode. Maybe just collapse is a better word here - it was certainly nothing fantastic.

I told you straight away because you had called me 10 times thinking I had hurt myself - not untrue in a way - and I braced myself for the anger I had learned to expect from men whose expectation I had dared not to meet.

But it never came. 

What did come was sadness. Sorrow. Sorry. Love.

You said you loved me.

I said I loved you too.

And what I learnt from you in those confusing few days (and that’s all it was somehow) was that evil was far from inherent, love could be unconditional and forgiving and true. That’s what made me cry the most. 

So a series of events most painful and trying became the leap of faith we were both afraid of. And now it’s just simple. I always thought the lesson I had to learn was to be a “good girl”. But that wasn’t the lesson at all. The lesson was that I was deserving of love and worth more than being pushed around and publicly denounced and laughed at. He thought he was teaching me a different lesson too, but I learned from him that people can be evil at heart.

So here I am, and I feel like marshmallow, chocolate mousse, your mattress.

There are so many best parts of this, I couldn’t begin. Today my favourite part is that you are my equal. You do not seek to put me beneath you, nor do you make the mistake of making a manic pixie dream girl out of me. (Maybe you do but you’re pretty quiet about it.)

You say such nice things it makes me cry, I am almost afraid to believe them, but what good am I to you if I don’t? I love you so much. I love that dorky smile you do when you look at me now. I love it when you sniff me under the pretence of seeing if I need a shower. I love that you still want to see me even when I have been struggling to breathe and looking for an out. I love that you always want to hold my hand or have your arm around me. I love that we are safe together. A team. A seemingly unlikely pair perhaps, or maybe just right. 

I love that you love me for exactly who I am, because I didn’t think anyone could. Let alone someone like you.

Hi Tumblr! I turned 24 on Wednesday, and I kind of look like an adult now? I mean... kind of... I hope you are all really really well <3

Hi babies!! Miss you all so much. Sometimes I think about writing on here again but I just don't think I need it anymore :) It's almost 6 months since I moved to Melbourne, time has gone so quickly! Guess that old adage about fun is true. I have never been so happy, it's so weird, sometimes I get anxious waiting for something to go wrong but then I realise literally nothing is going to, haha.  It's really nice having lovely friends that often wanna hang out, and be seeing someone who just likes me unquestioningly? It's really wonderful. Um yah so I dyed my hair orange and I had to get glasses, so I thought I'd give you an updated selfie and remind you all that I still do love you all, and if you wanna keep up with me now you can at http://instagram.com/awholetwohalves <3 Love yourselves in any and all contexts, you deserve that.

Hi babies! I miss you all!

I haven't actually handed out the url to my new blog yet, I've kind of enjoyed having my own little world, but thank-you for all the emails requesting it! I might give it out soon :)

I am feeling really great and happy with life and things are so good and even when I've felt down I've been reminded so quickly of how blessed I am. 

I'm super active on Facebook and Instagram, feel free to friend me there <3 https://www.facebook.com/naomi.lee.beveridge http://instagram.com/awholetwohalves

I just want to say, Tumblr, the world is a fucking beautiful place and if it wasn't for you, I doubt I'd be here. That being said, I will be endeavoring to leave you here on my journey. This week I have met my idol of ten years, found myself living in a beautiful city, experienced the best kiss of my life and finally caught on fire the way I always wished I would. I have never made a better series of decisions in my life. I've left the shit that was clouding my vision behind on every level. I've realised that no one can take away my power. I have realised that I am infinitely better than those who try. And now I'm going to change the entire fucking world or die trying. Nothing is going to get in my way. I have a new personal blog that will be quite open, honest, thorough and filled with photograohy, videos and upcoming projects I am in the process of establishing. This will be a password protected blog as I can unfortunately see that certain people (whom I have explicitly asked to fuck off out of my life) continue to add visit counts to my blogs' stat counter. Email me at naomibeveridge@gmail.com if you would like to continue following my personal journey, wherein I will entrust you with the password. Again, my deepest and most honest thankyou to all who have loved me here. This isn't the end. This is only the beginning. Stay awake.

I'm free. And I'm so fucking happy and holy shit everything is so right. Sitting with Dawson and getting a taxi alone so I don't miss a second of this perfect night. I'M FREE AND I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY.

Today marks 14 consecutive days of being alive and not crying! As a big cryer, this is a huge thing for me. Huge. Especially considering I moved interstate 13 days ago.  Things are pretty excellent.