kensington-gardens reblogged
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kensington-gardens reblogged
Courage from Courage the Cowardly Dog is making fucking mac and cheese, and nobody can stop him!
kensington-gardens reblogged
its literally november wtf
kensington-gardens reblogged
Source: doodle-booty
kensington-gardens reblogged
Whenever I see people quoting/referencing/parodying My Immortal it’s always one of the same four or five lines. You know the ones.
The iconic opening paragraph, “Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair… (et cetera).”
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT… BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”
“Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.”
“And Loopin was masticating to it!”
As great as those are, I’d like to throw a spotlight on what I think are some of the underappreciated parts of this classic work of fanfiction.
- Ebony puts blood on her Count Chocula cereal instead of milk.
- Enoby is canonically a weeaboo and speaks to her friends in Fangirl Japanese.
- Harry’s scar is now a pentagram instead of a lightning bolt, so either he found some sort of spell to alter the appearance of the scar or he actually took the time to carve a pentagram into his forehead.
- There is an OC named either Tom Riddle or Tom Rid who works at a “punkgoff” store in Hogsmeade and has absolutely nothing to do with Voldemort, he just happens to have the exact same name.
- Tara somehow got Fred and George mixed up with Crabbe and Goyle.
- The reason Snape doesn’t like Harry in this fic is because Snape is Christian and Harry is a Satanist.
- Marty McFly literally appears out of nowhere to help Enoby travel through “tim” with his “tim machine.”
- Chapter 11 ends with Hagrid singing along to “a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.”
- Voldemort inexplicably speaks in Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe.
- Voldemort wears high heels.
- Draco has a flying black Mercedes-Benz and a black MCR broom.
- Snape has a Dork Mark on his penis.
- Speaking of penises, Draco is apparently “hung like a stallone.” I guess Tara is a Rambo fan?
- The Hedwig/Voldemort sex scene, wherein Hedwig is a male human instead of a female owl, for some reason.
- Dumbledore flies around on his broomstick while holding a loaf of rye bread. At least, that’s what I think Tara meant by “Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread.”
- Oh yeah, and Dumbledore is an Avril Lavigne fanboy, because of course he is.
- James Potter’s “goff” nickname is Samoro, because Tara erroneously believes this to be the masculine form of the name Samara.
- Draco’s singing voice is described as “a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson.”
- Tara’s brief feud with her editor Raven, as chronicled in the author’s notes, may or may not have had something to do with Raven borrowing Tara’s sweater and not giving it back. IDK, it’s unclear.
- Voldemort smokes a “gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar.”
- McGonagall has the best insults, like “horny simpletons” and “mediocre dunces” and probably some others I’m forgetting.
- Dobby only appears once in the entire fic and literally all he does is watch Snape and Lupin have sex, and then run away crying.
- Sirius is referred to as Harry’s dogfather, and not gonna lie, even if it was a typo I think that is a genuinely clever pun.
- The Hogwarts janitor may or may not be Chuck Norris.
- Tara accurately predicted how Harry would defeat Voldemort in Deathly Hallows. No, really. “nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!!!!!111”
- This line: “Snap stated loafing meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly.”
- And this one: “‘Crosio!’ I shited pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming.”
- “Azerbaijan”
- “Hoes of Wax”
- “Tom Bombodil”
- “Cornelio Fuck”
- “Professor Slutborn”
- “Preacher McGongol”
- “Lumpkin”
- “TaEbory”
- “The Bark Lord”
- “Vadermort”
vampireapologist
This is truly the classic of our generation. I want students to explicate this for AP tests.
kensington-gardens reblogged
kensington-gardens reblogged
Wholesome acceptable rat kissing.
kensington-gardens reblogged
im so mad bc “atlas shrugged” is such a raw fucking title. thats an EXCELLENT name for a book. a man holding the weight of the entire world on his shoulders is so moved by his disdain for the current state of things that he exerts the force to shrug. indifference to the nth degree. that’s fucking metal. then you read it and it’s just about hating poor people.
kensington-gardens reblogged
kensington-gardens reblogged
That smile at the end? Priceless...
N I C E
I grew up with circus people. I wish I found this impressive. I really do wish I still found wonder in juggling. My husband juggles too. My mom juggles. Most people I know juggle. It loses its majesty when you’re trying to watch TV and these clowns out of makeup (literally) are tossing ingredients for dinner around like they’re the dwarves from The Hobbit. Can you pass the salt? No. They can only throw it. You want something, it gets thrown at you. And guess what, it doesn’t matter if you’re a decent contortionist and a great dancer, if you don’t have hand-eye coordination, sorry, you ruin the whole rhythm of the household. But they don’t let you just live. They don’t say oh that’s fine you can walk a tightrope and bend backwards while making a flower with your hands. No. It’s always ‘do your hand like this’ and ‘watch my hand’. Well, guess what Tommy, I have been doing my hand like that since I was three and i still have no chance of getting into clown college. I’m going to become a researcher mom. i’m leaving the circus to go work in a cubicle. now my mom doesn’t speak to me and my husband goes out to do his rollerskate juggling thing without me and that’s just fine. i like computers, mom. i like talking to people without trying to balance things on my face while i do it. and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Idk how we got here but I support you 100 fucking percent
kensington-gardens reblogged
anyone remember those betty crocker infomercials they played on cartoon network in the like the early-mid 2000s for no reason
beachcryptid
beachcryptid
there was also the chocolate factory commerical
My whole body just experienced deja vu
Idk bout y’all but I fucking love cooking infomercials. Don’t get me started on the chunky granny that be doin them copper non stick joints! I love them shits 😭😭
me too!
The Marauders Era as animated text
all gifs from @animatedtext
James:
Lily:
Remus:
Sirius:
Peter:
Marlene:
Dorcas:
Regulus:
Snape:
kensington-gardens reblogged
Sabrina the Teenage Witch (1996 — 2003)
kensington-gardens reblogged
snyxiemear-uwu
ONCE TOLD ME-
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME!
I AINT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED
0alila0
SHE WAS LOOKIN KINDA DUMB
WITH HER FINGER AND HER THUMB
In the shape of an “L” on her forehead
Well the years start coming and they don’t stop coming
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
classytrashdaemon
Didn’t make sense not to live for fun
thebonemummy
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
So much to do so much to see
So what’s wrong with takin the backstreets
You never know if you don’t go
phanicatthemourge
You’ll never shine if you don’t glow
gerardsrighteyebrow
You’re an all star
the-cabbage-person
Get your game on, go play
realinugirl
HEY NOW
YOU’RE A ROCKSTAR
GET THE SHOW ON, GET PAID
ALL THAT GLITTERS IS GOLD
toro-madrileno
ONLY SHOOTING STARS, BREAK THE MOLD
kensington-gardens reblogged
the best halloween hogwarts ever had was the one where all the slytherins united together to make sentient pumpkin golems
kensington-gardens reblogged
hermione: in this essay i will throw shade at all of my classmates who definitely didn't do the reading and just asked me what the textbook said, so i gave them all different wrong answers just to teach them a lesson