I hate jay-z for saying breastseses

Frankie Boyle (via katiebishop)

Logan couture hot n sexy fan fiction.

U press your finger to the doorbell and your heart flutters in anticipation. Almost immediately th door swings open and it startles you “HELO Selena”, the grimy faced man with teeth like a horse says, almost too happily. Your name isn’t Selena but you don’t care. The one and only Logan couture can call you anything he wants. He gestures for you to come in and so of course , you do. As you step inside the house an overwhelming smell of Doritos fills your lungs. You look around the room and something catches your eye. His computer is open to my little pony porn. You shudder for a moment but shake it off remembering who you’re finally meeting in person. “Let me show u my room ,” he grabs your hand and leads u to his room. You gasp as u enter, the first thing u see are the many posters of a shirtless joe Thornton. Logan notices your surprised look and quickly says “ he’s my thinspiration– anyway let me show u my toys”. He crouches down by his bed and reaches under. He pulls out five pony toys , one after the other. “ they’re custom made,” he grins as he points to a rubber vagina on one of the ponies. By this point you are utterly freaked out but hey, he’s Logan couture, your favorite player. Who cares if he’s a little messed up and disgusting and looks like some sort of horse mutated by radiation. Who cares. “Have u ever had sex?” Couture looks u dead in the eyes , his mouth hanging open because his teeth r so large he isn’t capable of closing his mouth. U r disgusted but also turned on by this gremlin of a man. “Uh yes ,” u stutter a little bit, trying to hold back from barfing. “Lucky.. I’m a virgin” Logan looks down at the floor and a single tear falls from his tiny eye. This is ur chance. You’ve always dreamed of fucking a hockey player . Even if it is Logan couture. At least it’s not drew doughty or Corey Crawford. U kneel beside Logan and kiss his cheek. “Baby that’s all right” Logan immediately gets an erection which kinda freaks u out but he lookin like he got a big d so it’s not so bad. “I wnt u to rail me”, u whisper to him. His eyes light up and he hurls u onto his bed like an ogre. you’ve awoken the beast. His rips ur pants n panties off and carefully takes off his own pink cargo shorts, careful to not damage the zipper. He slips out of a red bikini and unveils a dick larger than Chris kreiders. “Wat do I do now??” He asks hungrily. “Let me help u” u say , trying to hold back tears bc he’s kind of pathetic. U grab his waist with one hand and gently cradle his massive dong in ur other. U help him ease into you, very slowly bc he’s fucking huge n u dnt wana get hurt. “Th- this isn’t anything like my ponies” he mumbles U wrap ur legs around his waist n pull him against you forcing him to go deeper . “Just pretend I’m one of ur ponies logey.” U say the words as sexily as u can but it just sounds nasty. Logan gets tht beastly thirst in his eyes n grabs ur waist n pulls u hard against his, ramming himself into u. He cums instantly the end

Ok I’m gna barf wow

giving your first blowjob like 

[Series - part 19] Roberto Luongo + teammates

I hate when you wanna talk about something that bothers you but you feel like you’ve already talked about it too much, so you just hold it in

are you ever looking at weird stuff on the internet and ur paranoid its going to end up on facebook somehow because facebook is connected to like everything