@askblupatriot / askblupatriot.tumblr.com
firstly this is based on of the ‘should you play sniper’ flowchart because i love it so much
secondly this is everything i know about all of the other tf2 classes and playing them. this is what i’ve learned in all these months of playing this game. this is all anyone needs to know about team fortress the second
bonus:
I love the person who made this
Steven was gobsmacked by the way this guy was talking to him, both nonsense and wise all at the same time… It was bizarre to say the least. If this was a hallucination, perhaps this is his brain’s way of getting him to face his problems. If not, Steven was certain he had just let some kind of, insane wise man, into his house.
“Vegetarian.”
Steven corrected him. But his mind is playing on Soldier’s other advice now, which again, was scarily accurate. It almost gave Steven goosebumps. He resigned himself to sit at the breakfast bar, maybe talking to him might help. Maybe.
“Well… No… that’s not the only thing bothering me…”
The man gives a side glance to the teenage tyrant-heir, stroking his chin both in deep contemplation and to wipe some more foodstuff from his face. He can quite literally smell the sweltering anxiety, the budding uncertainty, and the horrid stink of young-people angst. Yes, this was a sensitive situation. Thankfully this child was in sensitive hands; careful, considerate, and roughly 80% scar tissue. He takes a seat next to the lad on the neighboring stool, which protests beneath his most superior posterior, leaning over as he builds upon this very fragile trust.
“Take as long as you need son, we got time. No matter how bad the issues are, know that you’ve still got time to make things right. I mean, there are things you really can’t come back from, like consorting with war criminals or participating in a genocide, but lets cross that bridge when we get to it.”
“A government shouldn’t have to occupy its own country with troops!”
“FEAST YOUR EYES ON MY MAGGOT, YOU ABSOLUTE MAGGOT!!! Gaze upon this ultimate lifeform, the pinnacle of grace and form! He is mighty, he is handsome, he can crush the hardest walnut between his most strong pincers and he has a soft underbelly for stroking when I feel depressed!”
“He might be a cute little bug, but my Metagross can rough and tough you and your cute bug out~! Not to be mean or anything, but nothing will change my mind~!”
“I need not your validation, for I have my companion and my purpose. You stay satisfied with your sense of superior strength, and I will continue on the one true path that has been laid before me. Good luck kid, you need it.”
And so the traveler turned his back, and strode down the dirt road to destiny. He did not look back, for real men do not look to the past, only to the great future.
“My Metagross is the cutest Pokémon ever~! You can fight me on that~!”
“FEAST YOUR EYES ON MY MAGGOT, YOU ABSOLUTE MAGGOT!!! Gaze upon this ultimate lifeform, the pinnacle of grace and form! He is mighty, he is handsome, he can crush the hardest walnut between his most strong pincers and he has a soft underbelly for stroking when I feel depressed!”
“I don’t see how that’s my problem.” Elijah doesn’t bother to glance in their direction, casually lighting up his cigarette. “-but you’re free to explain why you think it is.”
“Look son, I know its outside your jurisdiction, but I want you to listen up one last time before you go and turn me down.” The Federal Agent leaned forward from his seat on the bar, bleeding shoulder seeping into the fresh gauze Tumbleweed’s practitioner laid over his sutures. He smells of flash powder and his eyes are trained so hard on the deputy they could light the very same loose cigarette he was dragging on. “The Bullhead Gang are hitting folks on the roads between towns out here, and its getting worse. First they were just robbin’ folks, but they’ve turned real narsty. Them boys got a real taste for blood, and I don’t know if you noticed, but townsfolk are gettin’ hurt if they even try to travel outside your little area of operation. Think that’s any way for a body to live, trapped in their own backyard? Help me end this gang.”
“you want my pixie dust?” tinker bell thought it was an odd request. no one’s ever asked for it before. if anything, she gave it to new lost boys who wanted to fly and new lost boys didn’t happen very often. “why?” what else would anyone want it for other than flying? even then, tink was going to be protective over it. “have you tried any other fairy either or am i the first?”
“For the sacred art we both practice, my dear Irish forest creature! The art of flight! We both have our own methods of soaring through the silent void yes, but I say we do a bit of science! If we combined our methods, worked out a balance between propulsion and lift, new speed and height could be achieved. Great gains have not been made without significant risk, this is true throughout all of history. Vaccines always required human trial, yes?”
The man is built like a oak tree, but is decidedly more animate, tombstone teeth gnashing with excitement as he gesticulates with his hands, big beefy meat-mitts that they are. And he has before him a tube, wood and metal, polished to a fine finish and reflecting the surroundings in its metallic mirror-world. He hefts it up on his frame, grinning wild. “Bold ideas require bold people! Take a chance!”
“I ache, and I don’t want to work” He’s sliding down to lay down behind the bar.
“Ah perfect, a window.” The solid frame of a cloaked man barreled right through the front of the bar, glass shattering on the floor as he did a COMBAT ROLL and got on his feet, shards crunching beneath his mighty BIG boot soles.
“Hello, disgusting capitalist leech! I am here to offer you currency for your goods and services, as it works above, so it does below. Now, give me a menu or I will start making ridiculous demands, besides you serving me.”
You speak as if all geese aren't evil
There is a SCALE of ATROCITY my friend. There is wacky evil and there is legitimate evil, there is natural evil and there is salient, cold, human evil. If you want to survive in this high school musical of a world we live and shit in you need to LEARN THE FACTS! Geese can vary widely in their level of evil and the TYPE of evil they possess! I can teach you, if you are willing.
The force with which Soldier came through the window, almost bowled the poor lad over. He has to steady himself, a sleepy Steven was not a Steven in good mental condition. For a moment he just stared in awe, and slight confusion, of the man's rugged swagger, as he made a b-line for the kitchen. That cause Steven to start following.
"H-Hold on a sec! I-"
But it was too late Solider began wolfing down all his food; his left over pizza from earlier that evening, the slices of Lars' ube roll, his family sized bag of chips and- No, not his vegan spring rolls! He was saving those for tomorrow! Steven had never seen such a sight, the only person he knows who eats with such tenacity, is Amethyst. And even she wouldn't eat his favorite spring rolls!
Soldier commented on his food and social graces being lacking, but in all honesty, who in their right mind lets a stranger into their house in the middle of the night?! But Steven, is not in his right mind right now, and in his sleep addled state, decided to defend his choices in food, rather than his manners.
"I'm a vegetarian... And I haven't gone shopping in a while... And right now, the main thing bothering me is that you ate my special spring rolls!"
“Yes yes, I can see why you would be a vegan. But I don’t recommend you let such a thing as spring rolls get in the way of this opportunity in front of you. You’ve already sunken the cost of your fridge into my gullet, so I suggest we get down to brass tacks and go over what’s actually bothering you in general. If that’s really your ONLY big concern in life, son, here’s my grand advice. Make the terms of your agreements clear before signing. I have the feeling this is a common mistake for you, you clearly lack social instincts common to most household pets. So, anything else bugging ya?”
Steven stared at him in disbelief, this random window man got it spot on, how he'd been feeling and what had been happening the last few months... Is this guy for real?! Soldier, he wanted to be called Soldier? This man just kept getting stranger and stranger!
"O-Okay... S-Soldier..?"
He does look a little uncomfortable out there though, and Steven, in his exhaustion and from his overly compassionate nature, sighs and gets up out of bed.
"Alright, I'll let you in, but no funny business..."
Weirder things have happened in Beach City, what was the harm in taking this in his stride? Steven cautiously opens the latch, fully ready to break out his shield, if needed.
The man immediately surged through the window like a pile of honking seals, tumbling with the grace of a wounded dime-store detective and coming to his feet, walking towards the kitchen with the most manly swagger one might ever have the absolute displeasure of witnessing. With complete focus, he went to the fridge and began to grab items and shove them into his mouth. He did not stop in this task, and just kept putting more food in his mouth. A true massacre.
“I am sorry to say your rations are just as poor as your understanding of warfare, and your social graces need drastic improvement, leaving a fellow man in such a storm. This will take time, and perhaps more food.” He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, shaking his wrist to let the remnants of his rampage fall to the floor. “Now, let us begin. What troubles you the most?”
>>> Continued from x <<<
Okay, first of all... is this really happening? Second of all, what on Earth is a hegemon? And thirdly, why is there a man outside his window at night?! Turned his head, slowly, so that he was facing his window, confusion written in his knitted brow and frown. It's too late for this kind of stuff to be happening... He's a teenager he needs his sleep. Needs it.
"Wh-Wh-Who are you?"
There's still a possibility that he really was asleep, and this was all an elaborate hallucination...
“I am the ghost of your regrets long past, like your self-hatred, your deep seated guilt, and that time you were rude to your family because you were hoping to be more mature but just came off like a little jerk.” The large man shifts himself slightly behind the window, feeling the dull ache of hunger in the core of his being, strong windswept chill seeping into his living meat. “You can call me Soldier. I hold the answers you seek, but more importantly, the questions you must ask. But first you must let me inside here little man.”
"Ah finally, it's quiet. Maybe now I can concentrate on this book."
Child, you must let me inside your home. There is a goose and it is evil.
He pauses and looks up from his book. Slowly, he turns to the window.
“I am not a child. Sir.”
Death approaches. While I do not fear it, my work is not yet done. You will let me inside your den of empty cans and unfolded laundry or with my dying breath I will curse the same beast on you that chases me to this day.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
“YOU CANNOT STOP ME FROM EATING THIS DEMON BABY. I WILL NOW ABSORB ITS POWERS AND ABOLISH THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE.”
"Okay... Time to sleep..."
"Ahh... Yup, gonna just settle in here and-"
"Ugh! What is wrong with me?!"
MANY THINGS, LITTLE HEGEMON. It sounds like you may need someone to talk to, and here I am catching pneumonia. I believe we can come to an agreement. Let me into your house so I will not die, and I will listen to you.
"Ah finally, it's quiet. Maybe now I can concentrate on this book."
Child, you must let me inside your home. There is a goose and it is evil.
"Hello and welcome to my court, the Court of Culture! I hope you find my corner of Homeworld to your liking."
“INCORRECT!” The meat creature grinned, standing with confidence before the high hegemon. “I am here to accept the unconditional surrender of this rock empire! Not because it must die, but because it is inevitable it WILL die!”
"I am afraid you came to the wrong court human." A look of confusion crossed the inorganic gems face. She wished her sister Yellow were here. "Besides the Steven has had the armies disbanded. You won't find a fight here little human."
“You’re making as much sense as a presidential turkey pardon, lady. You mean to tell me a hegemonic empire ceased producing soldiers, went and disbanded all standing armed forces, and stopped their unceasing march to the ends of the galaxy on the word of... The Steven? Why? Through the force of arms? Diplomacy? What even was your cause for domination?”
