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Hold my beer

@bayoneta-miau / bayoneta-miau.tumblr.com

On the way to Arrakis. Bananas anthropologist from Rome to Seville. Bad jokes and stuff.
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cephalophor

The first funny bitch was Cain, who straight up lied to God after killing his brother.

God: where’s Abel?

Cain: fuck if I know??? I’m not in charge of him

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thewitchway

It is TRAGIC that you can’t read this in the original Hebrew.

God:  Where’s the Sheepkeeper?

Cain: Do I LOOK like a Brotherkeeper? 

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careful-crow

God: hey where’s Abel???

Cain:

He killed his yonger brother in cold blood because he was jealous of him. There is in no way anything funny about this. No hesitation just poped a rock over his turned head, droped his body over the edged and tried to lie to god about what he did. FUCK YALL CRAZIES!!!

oh are those the receipts, Cain is problematic now?

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bprinny

Cainceled 

World Heritage Post

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we really devolved as a society when we stopped using fully painted pictures on romance novels and started using cheap photoshop instead 

case in point

this is a Hell of a downgrade 

worst crime capitalism ever committed was eliminating Horny Oil Painter as a viable career option.

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higglety

I went down a rabbit hole this summer researching romance novel covers and painting fanart in this style and

  1. this is an EXTREMELY fun style to work in, and also
  2. many of the most iconic romance novel covers you’re probably picturing when you think “classic painted romance novel cover” were produced by one prolific, masterful artist

Her name was Elaine Duillo, and she had a long and extremely productive career spanning from the mid 60’s to her retirement in 2003. She worked mainly in acrylics.

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She did illustration work in other genres as well, but she really found her niche in romance novels. She pretty much redefined the aesthetic conventions of the genre, popularizing male models and male nudity and sexualizing men to cater to the female gaze in a way that simply wasn’t the norm before her work. You know Fabio? she’s the one who started using him as a model, and essentially launched his career. And honestly, just look at her work:

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magnificent

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sindri42

Wait shit, she retired in 2003? I think that’s exactly when I started seeing shitty photoshops on all the new romance novel covers.

She was literally carrying the entire industry single-handed and then they just did not replace her.

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this isn’t a fucking competition, bard.

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hsavinien

I…I recognize the joke, but these are totally different kinds of bows, each with its own benefits and suited to its user. 

Bard’s using a longbow. 

  • Longbows are awesome and take a fuckton of regular practice to use, because the muscle strain required to be a longbowman(/woman) actually deforms the arms and back of the user. 
  • “Bard the Bowman” is still known by that sobriquet even though he’s low status, his family’s life and profession changed when the dragon attacked.  Why would he be called that, if not that he’s still in regular practice and people see him using the thing over and over and over? 
  • Longbows are less-damaged by damp than composites, being made of once single piece of wood rather than layers of material, which is handy if one lives in the middle of a freaking lake.
  • The longbow changed the face of warfare in real life, esp. for England.  They’re effective killing machines over long distance, even against armored enemies. 
  • Conclusion: Bard’s a tank-muscled distance shot used to fighting with good sightlines.

Legolas and Tauriel use recurve bows, albeit in different styles.

  • Legolas’ looks like a Turkish bow, though I don’t recall seeing him use a thumb draw (which is not mandatory if you’ve got super strong elf-fingers, I guess).
  • Tauriel’s looks to be a Scythian composite bow by the shape.
  • Composite recurve bows are much easier to use in confined spaces and at odd angles. 
  • They have been historically used by folks who specialize in archer tricks like multiple arrow shots (a thing we have seen Legolas do). 
  • Because of the curves, composites pack heavy draw weight (the factor that determines with what force, i.e. how fast and far, the arrow will travel) into limited space.
  • Short draw (the distance you have to pull back the arrow to shoot it) means a quicker release time and quicker time to get your next arrow on the string.
  • Legolas and Tauriel fight in a forest, not know for long sight lines or easy travel, nor for enemies who can be seen coming.  They need weapons that won’t be getting caught on a bush at an inopportune time. Likewise, you see fewer spears and longswords among the elves of the Greenwood.
  • Conclusion: Legolas and Tauriel are guerrilla fighters from a heavily-forested territory and their weapons reflect that.

Kili also uses a composite recurve bow.

  • For practical purposes, note that Kili has significantly shorter arms than any of the other archers here mentioned. Long draws, like on Bard’s longbow, are not feasible and that means he’s not going to get the power he is capable of producing.
  • Dwarves are fucking strong, all right?  That wee little bow looks very like the Mongolian horse-bow in size and shape that my friend used with a draw weight of 55 lbs.  (I’m not a weakling and I can draw 35 for a decent length of time when in practice).  Kili’s could easily be upwards of 75-100 lbs.
  • Kili’s a hunter.  Likely, his main concern with a bow (when not following his uncle on an inadvisable quest) is the procurement of dinner for his family.  To do that with a bow you need to be very quiet or very quick on the draw.  Dwarves are not known for being super-quiet, though I believe I remember something about Fili and Kili being better at that than is typical.
  • Anything that can kill a deer can probably kill a person (or an orc).  That little horse-bow can easily kill or maim.
  • Conclusion: Kili is a hunter. He uses a bow that allows for the production of a lot of power at short notice and is suited to his size and strength.

Bigger is not always most effective.  Your medieval weaponry rant has concluded for the day, unless someone wants to talk to me about swords.

Fucking awesome post.

“Dwarves are not known for being super-quiet, though I believe I remember something about Fili and Kili being better at that than is typical.”

From The Hobbit:

But at any rate hobbits can move quietly in woods, absolutely quietly. They take a pride in it, and Bilbo had sniffed more than once at what he called “all this dwarvish racket,” as they went along, though I don’t suppose you or I would have noticed anything at all on a windy night, not if the whole cavalcade had passed two feet off.

They’re bad by hobbit standards, not human ones.

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lauralot89

Hey everyone, so you know organizations like UNICEF and whatnot that allow you to buy the kind of gifts where you donate mosquito nets or something in a person’s name?  Well a lot of those organizations will let you donate vaccines, as it turns out.  Like, right now on UNICEF’s site, providing 100 polio vaccines to kids in need is 19 USD.  And I’m not saying you should buy it and then send a card to an anti-vax relative saying you’ve provided lifesaving vaccinations in their name, but actually that’s exactly what I’m saying

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the Irish word for Santa Claus literally translates to “daddy december” and I don’t know how to feel about that

great now i have to kinkshame ALL of IRELAND

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