Good Omens Textposts Part 1

Part 2

“Who’s a good boy?”

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Victor Nizovtsev

obviously I don't like the everpresent trope of wise and hypercompetent lesbian appears for two seconds to sort out hapless gay boy feelings. however, I do think it gets at something, which is that lesbians fucking love to give advice we are eminently unqualified to give.

so from now on I will only be accepting this trope if the instagram therapyspeak relationship advice is a) objectively wrong and b) coming from a lesbian who is actively ghosting at least two girls while crying about her ex-situationship from 5 years ago. thank you!

i stopped the dental technician while he was applying fluoride to ask what the fuck the flavour was supposed to be. And he was like oh I was wondering that too. It says it's walterberry.

9 Cows - Joe O’Donnell Acrylic Paint and Varnish on Wood

Gift from a faithful friends

I love this, though, because my favorite thing about Superman is he isn’t Batman. I love Batman too, but Superman isn’t a dude who decided to live his life in pursuit of a vendetta against society when he was eight and then just did nothing for the next two decades but get super jacked, become the world’s greatest detective, and memorize every strategy used by every winner in every field of competition in history. Superman is a very good-hearted person who knows how to bale hay, use AP Stylebook, and break meteors into manageable bite-sized pieces by hitting them real hard. And I’m not saying Superman isn’t smart. He’s a bright guy, he’s just not like, one of the celebrated geniuses of the DC Universe. The best thing about Superman is he is basically a normal dude who happens to be orders of magnitude stronger than anyone else. Normal dudes have brain farts. Normal dudes are presented with a life-or-death situation they have less than four seconds to resolve and make a decision that is not optimal. Normal dudes aren’t typically asked to rescue a child from a 10,000 ton machine bearing down on him at 85mph, but if they were, they would probably sometimes panic a little and do dumb shit like ruin a train when they could have just whisked the child to safety.

I think sometimes Superman makes the wrong decision, not necessarily to the result of extreme catastrophe, but something like this, where everyone is standing around clapping and cheering and the kid’s parents are weeping in gratitude and they want to pose for a picture for the 6 o’ clock news with Superman and the conductor, and in the crowd someone is like “Why didn’t he fly the kid out of the way?” and rather than rolling with the fact that the emperor is naked his friend just says “Shut up, Drew, it’s Superman.”

And then, because I also love Batman for very different reasons, I imagine that later on the same day Bruce Wayne gets a phone call and Clark Kent is like “Hey, Wayne, I uh, need a favor.”

“Do you now.”

“Yeah, I, uh, kind of owe the Union Pacific Railroad $60,000.”

“Oh, and why’s that?”

“Come on, don’t do this to me. It was all over the news.”

“I’m prepared to write you a no-strings-attached check for the full amount on the condition that you explain your entire thought process from beginning to end.”

Anyway, that’s why I like Superman.

I think this is very accurate. One time a tree fell on me in the forest and while it would have made more sense to simply jump to the side and avoid it my idiot brain went through the fight-or-flight options and apparently chose fight, so I reached out my hand and caught the tree, then dropped it on the ground beside me. Ended up fracturing my wrist and wondering why the fuck my brain thought that was the best option for survival. I don’t think people are good at really weighing the optimal choices in moments of crisis. 

Bruce: “New Justice League policy. I am willing to pay for whatever damages you guys do in the name of justice and saving lives, but you have to write up a report detailing how the damage occured, including your thought process. Every once in a while, I will complie them into a presentation that we will go through as a whole to determine how you could have mitigated the collateral damage.”

Clark: “This is going to be a ‘name and shame’ type of thing, isn’t it?”

Bruce, lying through his teeth: “Of course not, don’t be ridiculous. This is to improve ourselves.”

The ones who admit “I don’t know what happened here” get a pass on shaming but they still get the alternative suggestions list

And on nights when he really needs a break, Bruce pulls those presentations out, watches the video, and laughs his tits off.

Forget the edgy “batman contingency: here’s how I’d kill all my friends” that’s all over YouTube Shorts, THIS is the series I want to see!

You know what we're gonna do, folks? We're going to write a self-insert fanfiction together with the Power of Polls. Just because it sounds like a fun time to me.

Do I have any Outline or Plan? No. Do I have any idea what I'm doing with this? No. Any clue what I'm unleashing here? No. What do I have? Heart?? And...the power of friendship probably.

Whatever. Let's do this.

*******(***

Dear Reader,

Whatever you, yes YOU, are doing in your life right now, is suddenly interrupted. The ground begins to rumble and the walls begin to melt. Are you sick? Are you dehydrated? Who knows. The ground groans and drops beneath your feet and you fall before you can do so much as scream.

You land arse-first, in a way that you really hope no one saw. Quick as you can, you scramble to your feet only to find...that you did, in fact, have an audience.

You are in Aziraphale's bookshop. A quick glance around tells you the situation. Four sets of dumbstruck eyes stare at you in surprise. Muriel from the bookshelves, Crowley from the chair at the desk, Aziraphale to your immediate left, and the Metatron to your immediate right. Metatron is holding the someone-forsaken coffee cup.

Right now, you are the only one with even the faintest idea what's going on, but it won't last.

THIS IS A HOOT! Go play!

some Uz era pinups for you on this fine afternoon 💕

"Don't mind her snort" Okay but her snort is IMPORTANT

If I die young, it was Covid.