ye.

what are these “shower thoughts” everybody’s talking about, i dont think about anything in the shower, my mind is completely blank as i douse my body in scalding hot water and stare at a wall

thats just the way the pussy crumbles

please see a gynecologist

WHO MADE HIM FEEL LIKE THIS?!?

man responding to something a woman said: actually this is true. I mean, fair enough, this is surprisingly accurate. I would have phrased it like this, but you can still extract some value from this statement as it is actually fair enough if you like and see it that way maybe

amazon: your package has been shipped

me:

my cat is licking himself loudly and wetly, somewhere in this pitch-black room, and it sounds like there’s an old man eating a bowl of chili in the dark with me

does anyone want to join my midnight shovel club?  we walk around the streets at midnight with shovels

why my hand shaky

your skeleton is ready to hatch

this is so fucking ominous thank you

If you wore a vr headset linked to a camera drone that was set to follow you from a few feet behind you could live in third person.

disassociating

If you can’t dissociate naturally store bought is fine

the plant has a question

it’s march and like, you know what? that’s fucked up. literally, it was march this time last year too, and what’s up with that? like, a year has passed since it was last march, what the fuck ?

someone: hey i genuinely care about u and i like u a lot 

my brain: ?? ? time for Joke?? make Joke??? yes??

no 1 ever has a crush on me cause i got an abrasive personality and am a lil ugly but that’s ok cause those are my best qualities

look at these ᵇᵘᵐᵖˢ u got ᵉˣᵐᵃ?

do I got ʷʰᵃᵗ ?

u got ᵉ ᵉᵉˣˣᵐᵃ ??

me looking at my dry hands in the winter: dam…. i got ᵉˣᵐᵃ??