I posted this fic on Thanksgiving and am just now getting the opportunity to post it here too! I was honored to write this fic for @peach-coke's beautiful artwork as a part of the @spnreversebang! I'm so proud of the way this work turned out and I'm so happy for how well-received it's been thus far! See the Art Masterpost.

______ Dean’s never at peace, not even in the midnight hours where he tries to steal minuscule crumbs of sleep. It’s never deep enough, never free of the thoughts he tries to keep at bay during the day, never without the constant reminder of the endless void that is always beside him. The one where his Brother used to be, where his purpose and direction existed. He’s spent the last five years trying to find ways to soothe the emptiness, trying to glaze over it, numb it, or forget it altogether. And yet, every night, it’s the same fight, the one where he tries to stumble across the landmines of his thoughts and find small pockets of rest.

He’s in one of those pockets when a knock on his hotel door has him conscious in seconds. His fingers instantly wrap themselves around the butt of his gun underneath his pillow, every inch of him on full alert.

He’s up and out of bed within seconds, pacing himself slowly to the motel room door. When he’s close enough, he looks at his watch and notices it’s just after three in the morning. And he knows, nothing good ever comes at these hours.

Another thirty seconds pass before the rapping at the door sounds again, more urgent this time.

Dean positions himself mainly behind the door, his gun and hand at his side, as he peers through the peephole on the door to get a good look at who (or what) is on the other side. And when his eyes focus, the breath in his chest evaporates at the image in front of him.

“Sam?” He whispers to himself, his heart pinching in a way that almost has him doubling over. The weight of that hole in his chest, the one that he’s patched over a dozen times over the last few years, comes ripping off, and it almost tears him in half with the agony of it. “I’ve lost my fucking mind.” He squeezes his eyes shut and braces himself against the wood framing of the door. {Keep Reading on Ao3}

I almost thought I forgot the login for this account and momentarily freaked out and got a lil sweaty. But I figured it out and managed my way back on just to check on things. Idk if any of my followers are still active, but hi 👋🏻. I hope you are well!

Idk if anyone is curious but I’m mainly on Twitter these days and crying about BLs and kpop.

Came to tumblr because I was annoyed by something on twitter and it always ends up with me in my feels. I miss this place. And just… when fandoms were fun to be in to be honest.

Fic Writer Questions

@wincestismyheart thank you for tagging me in this. I love these kinds of things. Sorry it's taken me over a month to do it myself! Ha!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

I have 27 works currently. I've deleted a few over the years.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

207,118. That's actually crazy to think about.

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Predominately, Supernatural. But I do write for Skam and its Remakes as well (Skam France and Druck currently).

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1) The First Time I Saw Your Face (263 Kudos, 4k, wincest) - I posted this one in 2019 crazily enough, so it's semi new and its also the only fic I have on ao3 that I attempted no promotion of. So how it ended up with the most kudos, is a mystery to me. This fic was a WIP for so fucking long and 2019 was a good year writing wise for me, so I was able to finish it up and post it. It's actually very endearing to my heart, because it's an over-compassing story in short glimmers of their love story from Sam's birth until Stanford!Era / Pilot.

2) Two Hearts, One Home (230 Kudos, 5k, evak - skam) - The first published fic for these two and it's literally just fluffy and porn. For some reason when I write them, I turn into a porn writing champion, which is a strange turn for me--as I usually struggle with it! Written in 2019.

3) Close Your Eyes & Make A Wish (203 Kudos, 7k, Datteo - Druck) - The first Druck fic I ever posted and it's a recanting of one of their episodes. I love Matteo and David so fucking much and they will always live in my heart. So happy I wrote this piece. Also written in 2019. (see what I mean about it being a good writing year?)

4) To Rise, We Must Fall (197 Kudos, 11k, Wincest) This was written for the 2014 reverse big bang. It was my first dip into challenges and I'm happy it exists because it gave me courage to attempt other challenges. I def don't think it's the strongest thing I've ever written, but I love it because it's Boy King related.

5) Treble Clef Confessions (191 Kudos, 1k, Elu - Skam Fr) - The first and only thing I ever wrote for Skam France. I don't anticipate writing anything in the future for them, but I do love this short little piece that reimagines a scene. This was also written in 2019.

5. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Oh yes, I absolutely do. I am so grateful for any comments I get, because unfortunately they are few and far between. I wish my readers left more tbh, because they just fuel my desire to keep writing. So I definitely love to take care of those that do, just to also encourage them to do the same for others.

6. What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

There's two that I think of, but I'll go with the one that has had more responses from the fandom. Everything's For You was written in my earlier tumblr days for a tumblr challenge. The prompt was basically to imagine: “Dean says time is different in hell, but what if it’s not? What if Dean really spent 40 years in hell before Cas put him back to 2008? Write what 40 years without Dean may have looked like for Sam.” And well, things get a little sad.

7. What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

I feel like I try to make sure all of my fics end on a happy note, just because I like to make the angst so severe throughout the fic. Lol. But the Skam piece I am currently working on and isn't posted yet, is def going to be the happiest. So look out for, A Weekend To Remember.

8. Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you've written?

I haven't written one yet, not to say I never would.

9. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I wouldn't say hate, but I have had people challenge the way I write and say it's too flowery. People also try to correct the way I write Brother in Wincest fics with a capital B, but that's my creative freedom as a writer. They're not just brothers. They're Brothers. <3

10. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I do write it, but it really depends on the fandom I guess. When I write for Sam and Dean, I feel like the smut I write is few and far between. Not that it's hard to write, or that I don't enjoy it--but I enjoy writing them without it. Sometimes I feel like it means just as much without it, because that's just them. But then I put my Skam glasses on and I'm suddenly on a smut roll.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge. I hope that never happens; I wouldn't handle that very well.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but I would be open to it under the right circumstances.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nothing posted, but maybe between friends--yes.

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

Def, Wincest. I don't care how far away from SPN I get, I walk by a flower stand and see sunflowers and with always instantly be reminded of Sam. I'll see wanderer things and think of Sam. I'll see leather candles and think of Dean. I'll see an impala on the road and think of the boys on the road in the middle of the night. I will always see them everywhere and they will always be a part of me.

15. What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

Probably the 900 J2 fics I've started. I want to finish one, but I usually get distracted and start something else.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think for me, it is dependent on how well I know a character...because if I know them like the backs of my hands, I can really get into the vein of them and write them well. The worst feeling for me is when I can't feel a characters voice as I write.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Probably that I get distracted entirely too easily. An idea will come up and I'll be all about it, write 10k of it and then think of something else. And then it'll sit in my drafts as a WIP for years, staring at me with pleading eyes and I just try my best to not think about the 'what-ifs'.

18. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I try to stay away from it if I can, because to me it is distracting.

19. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Unpublished Nsync fanfic for sure. LMAO. But second fandom would be Supernatural.

20. What's your favorite fic you've written?

There's so many things I want to say, but in this moment, I can't help but think of: A Brother's Lament (A Slow Death). It was written for the spnj2bigbang for 2016 and it's probably the longest fic I've written, being that it's 46k. It is a love story to Dean's slow and maddening deterioration after Sam's death in Swan Song. Of how he tries to live the life he promised, but finds that he physically cannot do it. It's sad and violent, dark and upsetting, but I put my whole heart into it and it's not even the most well received thing I've written--but I fucking love it so much.

Tagging: @sammichgirl @nyxocity @hellhoundsprey and @homo-pink because they're some of my favorite writers. <3