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[smara//sista]

@smarasista / smarasista.tumblr.com

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oaluz

I also had this needy little girl problem you describe. The needy little girl still wanted too much for years — from men, from my mother, from my friends. I didn’t understand why she was so relentless. But I also really, truly craved reassurance and support and love from someone else — the kind of love that takes all of your lumpy wrongness and says “All of this is just fine, it’s great, I will love this forever and ever and ever!”

Personally, I think it’s highly embarrassing and also totally OK to ask for that kind of love out loud from another person. But you also have to know that very few people are 100% willing to give it to you, particularly if you don’t seem to truly believe that you’re worthy of it yet.

So this is where you start: You resolve to do this for yourself. You resolve to say, “It’s OK that I am so fucking needy. It’s natural and real and it’s just who I am, really. Lots of people are like me. Lots of people feel this way.” Then you picture your terrible needy self and instead of saying I WILL LOVE HER (which is a little hard to do, honestly) or SOMEONE WILL LOVE HER (which borders on a kind of ego fantasy that’s inherently escapist) instead you say “I have compassion for this needy little girl.”

Compassion. You will make room for her. You will observe her angry flailing and have empathy for it. You will commit to standing up for her, because she’s never going to leave. She’s always here. Why? How did you get her, anyway? Why will she be here even when you’re very old and you should feel much stronger and more sure of yourself? I don’t fucking know, but she’ll be here, trust me.

Part of your struggle lies in understanding and accepting that some basic troubled seas won’t turn calm no matter how great everything in your life becomes. The truly strange thing, though, is that once you stop asking other people to love that needy little girl and you treat her with true, abiding compassion all by yourself, and you let her take up a little space in your heart, she’ll bring you some pretty amazing gifts. She’ll make you see other people through compassionate eyes. You will be able to put other people first more often than you can manage right now. You’ll start to become a generous person — generous to the core. You’re already probably on that path, but you’ll feel that way much more often.

She’ll help you to feel more passionately. Instead of doing these intellectual mind puzzles all the time, moving a little Rubik’s Cube around in your head all day long, you’ll simply walk around feeling your feelings without trying to fight them. Your shame will be replaced by a deep sense of peace (a lot of the time, anyway!). When you feel jittery and unlovable, you will remind yourself, “I am worthy, exactly as I am right now. I can take up space. I don’t need to change a thing.”

It’s sad, isn’t it, how many girls and women land in the same place? We don’t even feel like we deserve to whine about it. We don’t even feel like we deserve to love ourselves. But we can feel compassion for how long we’ve been in this state, conflicted and neurotic, wondering when we can stop pushing on walls, wondering when we’ll find the secret trap door to a calmer, better, happier life.

There is no trap door, no secret passageway. You just have to look with clear eyes at who you are right now: Totally strange and imperfect and real. Nasty and angry and confused and worried and misshapen and fucked to the core and hopelessly sublime. You get to move forward from here exactly like this. You don’t have to be smaller or more brilliant or smoother or prettier. You can just be what you are. You wake up in the morning and say, “I won’t try so hard today. I will let myself be who I am. I don’t have to fix anything.”

People will leave again. Rejection is everywhere. By having some compassion for your current state of being (without expecting more), by having some appreciation and even love for your imperfect present, by refusing to twist yourself into a pretzel for approval that never comes, you will not leave yourself again. As long as you don’t abandon yourself, as long as you tell yourself, “I am with you, as you are right now, no matter what,” then you can’t get left again, not really. You might be alone but you will not be left behind. “I am still here,” you will say. “I will always be here. You have nothing to be afraid of.”

You don’t have to return to the same old stories that only serve to stoke your longing and your melancholy. No one has seen you clearly yet, that’s all. Some people can’t see much, even when they try. See yourself clearly. That’s all there is. Look at yourself with clear eyes, without demanding more, without asking for improvements. Look with clear eyes and say, “This is how I am.” Feel that in your heart. This is how you’re going to live from now on. Something in the air is shifting. You deserve to feel this good from now on.

Ask Polly: How Do I Stop Punishing Myself For Being Human?

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He’s just not that into you

Recently I went on a first date with a guy I met on a dating app- not really because I was into him or because I was on a mission to find a boyfriend, but it was a personal goal of mine in 2017 to go outside of my comfort zone and face my insecurities head on. It was strangely fun and I was barely nervous, partly because he was so easy to talk to. I did not realize it was three hours since we sat down, beer in hand, and talked about anything and everything- from family, career, religion, politics, movies, music, sex, poetry, relationships, you name it- we’ve talked about it. I thought the date went great. 

But I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day- or the next. He didn’t call to check if I got home okay, nor did he check in during the day to ask how my day at work is going like he would usually do. I will be honest with you, it sucks- but not because I had feelings for him already (your girl is damn emotional but she is not that extra) but it’s because I did not know where I went wrong. My mind keeps going back to that night, replaying every single conversation we’ve had and wondering where I messed it up. 

Then it suddenly hit me- he’s just not that into me. I’ve heard it all before, watched the mediocre & poorly written movie, gave and received advice using this string of words. But upon realizing this, I still asked the same questions- why wasn’t he into me? Did he not like the way I answered that question? Did he think I wasn’t as pretty in person? Did I say something wrong? 

It was only then I realized that those are not the questions I should be answering, for knowing the answers to those questions won’t change the situation or make me a happier person. The question I should be asking was instead: Why should I care if he’s not that into me? 

I don’t even mean it in a cocky or demeaning way- he’s a lovely person and I’m sure any girl would be lucky to have him. But if it’s not me, it’s fine. I know that I, too, am a lovely person and a guy would be lucky to have me. But if it’s not him, it’s fine. 

There is this underlying need for others’ approval within us that sometimes gets in the way of us recognizing our true worth, which is absolutely not contingent on whether someone likes you enough to text you the day after you’ve gone on a date with him. If my self worth is dependent on that, it’s simply not the time to be looking for a relationship- for I am still not whole enough to be able to complete another person. The paradox in that is the best way I can describe love. It’s the best way I can describe it’s beauty. And so I realized that I wasn’t on a journey to find romantic love, but to rediscover self-love in a way I wasn’t exposed to before. 

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