@cravenaddictofeskimopies / cravenaddictofeskimopies.tumblr.com
“Gaming sounds good,” she was surprised by how Cosima’s tone changed suddenly.
She stood behind her and ruffled her hair, “I will win, you are a terrible driver.” She ran off saying thanks to Cosima’s mother as she left, she made the stairs two at a time and then sat herself down on one of the beanbags in Cosima’s room and waited.
Delphine kicked her shin swiftly under the table for laughing at her, “You didn’t think to save me?” She looked at her as if butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, then she grinned, “I would have saved you if you were choking you know?”
“I am so going to win at Mario Karts” She stood up and began to help clear the table, “You could help too?” Her mind wandered to the fact that tonight they could perhaps cuddle up without the tears, she looked absent-mindedly out of the window, lost in time.
“I think everyone knows.” She looked over to Cosima’s mother, “Would it be okay if I stayed here today Mrs Niehaus? I’d need to call my Maman though.” She sounded more like herself, she was always polite, the sort of girl you could take anywhere and not be embarrassed by her, however on the inside she could feel her heart rate increasing as she became nervous once more. However Cosima’s mother said she was more than welcome, telling her she could stay over if she wished, reminding her that she could always borrow Cosima’s clothes as she frequently did when they had their impromptu sleepovers. At that comment she almost choked on the pancake she had been eating, feigning coughing she hoped that she had covered it up well enough. However as much as she wanted to stay, she also thought she should go.
“So what shall we do today?” It was an innocent enough question and that was just how she meant it but as she looked at Cosima she realised there was more than one way to take such a question.
She couldn’t help but smile back at her, even she had to admit that she felt hungry, over the past few days she had barely eaten at all. She spoke softly, but at least she spoke, “I was waiting to see if you left me anything,” she chuckled as she began collecting things on her plate.
As she began to eat she slowly began to allow herself to relax a little, to enjoy the food she was eating and of being with Cosima.
Delphine felt herself blush as Cosima winked at her - it was both an unexpected and welcome experience - maybe there was some truth in what Cosima had said, she needed to remain calm, however needing to and actually achieving it were two very different things.
That was the thing with Cosima’s mother, she was so very easy going, so relaxed and so it was no surprise when they got downstairs to find pancakes, waffles, bacon, maple syrup, jelly and fresh juice all laid out for them. She thanked Cosima’s mother as she took a seat at the table, helping herself to the freshly brewed coffee.
She realised that she hadn’t contacted her parents yet that day - she needed to do so, otherwise they would worry, however she was relieved it was the weekend and so there were no other expectations of her.
It infuriated her and fascinated her all at the same time, how could someone so intelligent be so downright disorganised? Her room looked like someone had scattered the contents of a laundry basket across it, but she still managed to look presentable.
She smiled back at her as the door was opened, she watched her give her mother a beaming smile, no hint of there being anything wrong - she knew that Cosima was right, that it would be her obvious anxiety that would attract attention. She wished her mother good morning, apologising for sleeping in late - blaming talking into the night - the lie fell easily from her lips... maybe a little too easily.
“I think it’s brunch,” she stood up and walked over to the door, waiting for Cosima to walk out first, “I suddenly think my appetite has returned.”
She felt a huge sense of relief when she heard Cosima begin to move around, she opened her eyes but then realised she didn’t know where to look. She fiddled nervously with the edge of her shirt, she looked out of the window, she looked across the room, trying to avoid making eye contact with her, but she couldn’t manage to do so, it was as if Cosima was some sort of magnet.
As she watched Cosima get ready for the day she wished that she was as comfortable as her in her own skin, she wished she had her confidence, her no common sense approach.
It has been almost an hour since Cosima’s mother had been in, she wondered perhaps if she had forgotten, however just at that moment she heard the hall door closing and then the tell tale footsteps as she made her way up the stairs.
She found herself instinctively leaning onto her hand, even closing her eyes for a moment as Cosima played with her hair, it felt nice, good even, she thought back to the times they had styled each others hair on their numerous sleepovers. However reality came back to bite her and she her eyes were wide once more, “I am nervous, I am nervous about everything.”
There was something about how she said she should tell her own mother when she was ready, she bit her lip, almost too scared to ask the question, “And you Cosima? What about you? What will you do?”
Cosima twisted Delphine her hair around her finger and let go of the curl before she took another one. She could tell that Delphine was nervous as her body language said enough to her. “It’s okay to be nervous, but you know that if you show it people will ask questions.” Cosima pointed out. “We can make up something for you to explain your nervousness.” She offered.
“Me? What I’ll do? I’ll get up soon, get dressed, get some food. Just like normal. I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do so I won’t tell my parents, I won’t tell yours, I won’t tell any of our friends. I’ll wait till you are ready.” Cosima whispered and got all the curls she made out of Delphine her hair, before she couldn’t get them out herself.
“So we live a lie?” She sighed heavily, fully aware she was making a huge mess of everything, “Or rather we don’t because we weren’t actually living anything.” She asked herself why it had all become so complicated, why she had dared to even think that kissing her had been something that was okay to do, only to discover it was likely to be the one thing that destroyed them.
She felt her let go of her hair, she bowed her head for a while and then slowly she got to her feet, walking over to the armchair by Cosima’s window, she closed her eyes as she felt the warmth of the almost midday sun on her skin.
She found herself instinctively leaning onto her hand, even closing her eyes for a moment as Cosima played with her hair, it felt nice, good even, she thought back to the times they had styled each others hair on their numerous sleepovers. However reality came back to bite her and she her eyes were wide once more, “I am nervous, I am nervous about everything.”
There was something about how she said she should tell her own mother when she was ready, she bit her lip, almost too scared to ask the question, “And you Cosima? What about you? What will you do?”
If she hadn’t felt so tired she would have chased her through the water, but there was more than enough time for such things and so it could wait. “So a beach party girl?” She imagined her in a bikini, drink in one hand, book in the other, “I'm not even going to ask how you know that sand gets everywhere.” she chuckled, but then stopped her teasing as Cosima pulled her into her arms, she ducked her head when she called her beautiful, “I think...” she booped her nose against hers, “I think that we are both very lucky.”
Delphine sighed somewhat sadly, “Your mother is the same until... well until she finds out and if I am this nervous now then we are in trouble.”
She had been too scared to take Cosima’s hand in case her mother had walked in, however she didn’t like being patted on the head, “I’m not a dog”
Then all at once her own mother popped into her head and she groaned, “Here am I worrying about your mother, but what about mine, my parents?” She was becoming more panic stricken about nothing at all.
Delphine was exasperated by Cosima’s response, she walked back over to the bed and slid down so that she was sitting on the floor next to her. “It’s almost midday, she didn’t sound impressed.” She turned and looked up at her, “I know I have but... but now it’s different isn’t it?” They had slept together so many times but now she felt like Cosima’s mother would know there was more to it, that she might suspect something. The truth of the matter was that she was feeling guilty and she hadn’t even got anything to feel guilty about. She wished she could be more calm like Cosima but for now she was anything but. When she felt her hand reach out for her she wanted to take it, but she hesitated because what if...
Delphine swatted her with her pillow, “You are such a brat.”
She couldn’t help herself, she found herself grinning right back at her, “You are?” She even felt the colour rise in her cheeks just at the thought of it, but Cosima could be such a tease and she was never sure sometimes.
“I left?” She wondered why she had left, was it because she had kissed her? Was it because she had never been kissed by another woman before, it somehow seemed inappropriate to ask. “Perhaps I was nervous? I am so happy that we were friends first, you seem like a perfect friend ... one who is there for the other non?”
She pushed the photographs off her lap and tentatively went to stand up, she walked over to where Cosima stood in the doorway, she took in every inch of her, desperate for something, anything to spark a memory, “I ended it?” She shook her head, “I am sorry, so sorry that I caused you so much unhappiness, I don’t think I deserved you - that I even deserve you now.
She surprised herself a little by what she did next, taking Cosima’s hand she led her to the couch, “Sit with me? Tell me what it is that you want, I need to hear it.” She was however scared about what she might say, but she needed to know.
Why she felt so uncomfortable she was unsure, it wasn’t as if they had been doing anything improper, she had stayed over at Cosima’s house so often in the past but now she was nervous, she could only think of Cosima’s mother being angry that they had shared a bed, she could hear her saying that Delphine was no longer welcome there. All her thoughts irrational, all of them jumbled and what was Cosima doing? Just lying there as if nothing was happening - which it wasn’t but that wasn’t helpful in the slightest.
She stood in the doorway, “One because your mother said five minutes, two because we slept in that bed together and your mother nearly walked in on us and three,” she raked her fingers through her blonde curls, “Well I can’t think of a thrid but ... but please just get up!”
Delphine sank to her knees, busying herself taking a slice and placing it on a plate for Kommissaar, “I did yes, this was my mother’s signature dessert.” She smiled at her as she gave her the plate, I love the sweetness against the sharpness of the mixed berrries - I think it is healthy non?”
Placing some on a plate for herself she went and sat back on the sofa next to Daisy, pulling her onto her knee, “She hasn’t mastered the art of eating berries yet, but I think she will in time.”
She was grateful that Kommissar did not fuss over why she was upset, she welcomed the normality of just sharing a meal with no analysis of what had gone before. Maybe there was hope for there beng some normality for her and Daisy in the future. “Do you have a signature dish?”
“In the photographs… we look happy… were we happy? Photographs are deceiving sometimes I think.” However what she wanted to hear was that the photographs were a true reflection of happier times - that the reason that Cosima was here was not out of a sense of duty, but that she was there because she was her … well she had no idea what she had been… was she a girlfriend, a wife, or were they simply just two good friends having fun?
She tried so hard to make a single recollection, but she failed, she was becoming frustrated by it all, but she had nowhere to run to, no one other than Cosima who could tell her the truth of their lives together before someone had tried to kill her.
Cosima took a glance once more at the pictures, their smiling faces staring back at her. They had been happy, even if it was just for a little while. “Yeah.. yeah we were. Look, it’s a lot, what we went through. And, telling you all will be overwhelming.. but, when we met, we sorta started as friends, but we both were taken with each other. We had dinner.. and after that, back at my old place, I kissed you. You left and I was sure I had messed everything up. Like, you were also a friend, a really good friend because we just clicked. But then you came back.. and we were together ever since.’” She explained, letting out a few details.
“We dated for several months, not that long.. like I said, there is a lot and to get the real picture.. well, I don’t think it’s time yet.. like, we should take that slowly. But those months, we were happy. I’ve never been happier.. we did fight, of course.. but being with you.. was, incredible. You uh.. you were the break things off, you had your reasons.. it wasn’t because you didn’t love me anymore, something came between us, it’s the reason you got shot. They tore us apart.. watching you go, was the hardest thing I ever had to do.”
She watched as Cosima looked down at the photographs, she could have sworn that she saw the corners of her mouth twitch as if she were about to smile but it was gone in a heartbeat. She drew her knees up, resting her chin on folded arms across the top of them looking up at her as she spoke.
So that was it, they had been girlfriends... lovers but then she herself had ended it, the words “we were happy” told her that this was in the past, the words “they tore us apart” however only served to confuse her. Her voice was tinged with bitter sweet overtones, the sort you get when you have lost something. Tears began to well in her eyes as she looked into her eyes, “Cosima... if I treated you so badly why are you here?”
