Realisation
I may start actually using tumblr basically just to rant. I don’t find actually talking to people helps so maybe talking to nobody will? 2 days ago I ruined my chance to be with someone who I liked (and I now know was starting to get feelings for me (but doesn’t want to)). I ruined this chance because my previous relationship has ruined all self confidence I have ever had. I was scared to take any form of risk. The worst of it that for the first time in about 2 years I was actually happy, I found myself grinning like an idiot (if you know me, you’ll know I don’t exactly smile much). She now doesn’t want anything to do with me.
So I’ve had a few days to think and dwell upon how shit everything is and I’ve came to the realisation that the 4 and a half years I spent in a relationship was a waste. I generally don’t regret anything but I now regret that. If you’re unhappy with how a relationship is going then stop it. Don’t make the same stupid fucking mistake that I did and just hope that it gets better because it won’t. It will get worse and in my case has made me completely unable to make or maintain friends or even speak to new people.
The last gig I played I had people come upto me after it to try and start a conversation and I just freeze, unable to string sentences together. All because of her and the way I was mistreated for several years and how it diminished my self-esteem.
Even at that. I have no friends to go on nights out with so even if I didn’t find it difficult to talk to people I don’t even have the opportunities to do so.
I come home (or stay) everyday alone staring at a fucking tv screen just wishing something would happen but it doesn’t.
Don’t do what I done.
