So it's a boring Saturday and I was just having a random conversation with myself about my Bi identity and Gender Identity. The Gender Identity of a future partner that is. What does this have to do with the main focus of this blog though? Hopefully it'll make sense when it connects.

Content Warning: This will include mentions of my Kinky side (wanting a Daddy Dominant/Caregiver).

I was just remarking to myself that I don't want a Mommy - for triggering reasons - but a Daddy; no matter their gender. Because if I could find a Female Daddy, then I would have both sides of myself reconciled. My love for women and men; my kinky need for a Caretaker/Dominant.

Then this got me thinking. Say I find this, then I'd fall into that trap of being Bi in a Lesbian relationship and having my core identity erased. How can I go in vanilla and kink LGBTQ+ spaces with the woman I love but still comfortably tell people that if I had met a special guy instead - I'd be there with him? And what if I fall in love with a Transwoman or someone Non Binary or GenderQueer or GenderFluid?

But then I realized that my partners' gender doesn't change my romantic orientation. My core identity is Bi. Whether I fall in love with a woman, a man, a Transwoman, a Transman, someone Non Binary, GenderQueer,  GenderFluid. I'm still going to be Bi.

What does this all have to do Nonmonogamy?  Well I also realized that one of the benefits of Nonmonogamy is that one can have a whole bunch of romantic and sexual relationships and no one questions your orientation. If you're married to a gender different than your own, but regularly have sex with those of your same gender - no one questions that your Bi. It's much easier being erased if your  Monogamous and Bi than being Nonmonogamous and Bi. Maybe that's one of the reasons why its SO hard for me to "pick a side." Because I'm Monogamous, whoever I choose will erase my core identity. Can I still do all the work I do in the LGBTQ+ community if I find a Daddy/Husband? It's like I'm too gay for the vanilla world, too straight for gay world, and too normal for the kink world. When one is monogamous, you can't win. No wonder most monogamous people end up depending on ONLY their partner for love and support - there's no other support for us.

So I guess if I can fall for someone with multiple gendered energies (like a Female Daddy), I won't feel like my core identity is in jeopardy of being erased.

I've AGONIZED over Monogamy vs Polyamory A LOT in my life. As someone who identifies as Bi, AND wants a man and a woman in my life, it seems that some sort of Nonmonogamy is my only option for romantic happiness. But I know that deep down, I'm hard-wired for Monogamy. I don't understand how I want 2 monogamous relationships, but dammit, I DO. I want a monogamous relationship with a man AND a monogamous relationship with another woman. Call it greedy, call it selfish, call it whatever derogatory title one can come up with, but honestly, I just wouldn't be able to handle it if they had other partners. Even if they dated each other as well as me. And obviously that wouldn't be fair. I honestly just wouldn't be able to handle those scenarios emotionally. I wish I was evolved enough or/mature enough to be okay with such things. But I'm honestly just NOT. I'm truly not. So, I'm just fine with monogamy and hope I find the right person so that I won't feel I need another primary. Or maybe I can find a V situation where my future man and my future lady are both single and monogamous.

Back to the old name - but the purpose is still evolving

So currently I'm madly in love with this male celebrity 💚. (I'm NOT saying who he is - y'all can't have him!!!!) And I was thinking, 'What if a miracle occurred and I not only meet this man, but he finds me worthy of dating? There's NO WAY I'd agree to Polyamory with him! I want all his love!!' Now, if you haven't noticed already, when it comes to romantic love, I'm pretty selfish. I think romantic love is and should be selfish. And I realize my feelings come from being raised in the dominant Monogamy culture. Though I have my issues with Monogamy, I still don't see it as this horrible evil oppressive thing that we all must evolve away from or grow out of. However, I can't want a wife still if I commit to him. But that would hurt me greatly to give up a core part of myself and my identity just to make things fair between him and I.

Because of this revelation, I'm back to calling this blog Beginning-poly. I again came across an umbrella term of Nonmonogamy that seems to describe how I want to approach future romantic relationships. Egalitarian Polyamory.

Its where both individuals are my partners and neither of them are more important to me than the other. Poly Fidelity comes real close, but in the end, it feels like it will just turn into another Triad situation. Applying this to my hypothetical celebrity boyfriend, it looks like with implementing Egalitarian Polyamory, it would be two primary romantic relationships I want (him and the future wife I hope to find), with allowed outside romantic/sexual freedoms for them. This way, no one's autonomy is in danger. Everyone involved is equal and free and gets what they want out of a relationship. Obviously I'd have to implement a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy to protect my heart from all their additional lovers, but in the end, I feel like this is a good spot for me right now.

Mono Poly manipulations

I've been reading a lot of posts on Fetlife lately that talk about the unfairness and manipulation and even abuse of poly-mono relationships. As someone who was raised and personally identify with monogamy, but yet desires two monogamous relationships, its confusing and hurtful to be considered harmful and abusive because I agree with monogamy.

Maybe I really thought that poly-mono relationships could work if compatible partners were found. But poly and mono people seem to be in the mind that no, it can't work. Its selfish and stifling to want a monogamy-like arrangement with a poly partner. It takes away their autonomy to want them. A mono person can't have any kind of bodily autonomy or rights to be with a poly person or its manipulation and entrapment. Its frustrating to navigate these seemingly mismatched relationships.

However, I feel like even if I found a monogamous guy or a monogamous gal, that I'd be trapped. Yes, I greatly identify with monogamy, but I don't think I would happy cutting off being in a long term relationship with a woman if I find a mono guy first. And I wouldn't be happy cutting off being in a long term relationship with a guy if I found a mono gal first. I also know I would not feel comfortable in a completely open poly relationship where all parties in the relationship are just screwing other people. Why are we even "together?" Outside of the possible health risks of such arrangements, what about emotionally? I'm just supposed to be okay with endlessly sharing someone I have a strong romantic bond with? Compersion is a great emotion in theory, and I think its attainable in some instances, but I think only special people can get there in romantic circumstances. Being happy someone my boyfriend or my girlfriend is dating/sleeping with/falling in love with other people? How can that situation possibly be a good scenario for me? Their no longer mine, their community property.

I'm tired of jealousy being demonized. Its a normal emotion. People who don't get jealous or hurt or unloved or left out scare me. Like they scare the crap out of me. I'm sorry, that's not normal. And they are the ones quick to say to anyone that does feel jealousy, hurt, unloved, and left out are manipulative and selfish and not normal. So whose right?

Is "autonomy" really a deal breaker over happiness? Not that one's autonomy to date and have sex with others be restricted, but sometimes I feel with people on both sides; mono and poly; autonomy is used as a weapon to manipulate people into agreeing to arrangements that don't make everyone in the situation happy. "If you do this, you're selfish and taking away my autonomy!" Its frustrating.

I don't know exactly where I was going with this. I just needed to vent about it.

I've never read it based on what I've heard about it, but I've also heard its a good book, so it depends. I guess you could read reviews and see if you can find chapter titles to see if you'd enjoy actually reading the book.

New name, new purpose

I've been on a long journey these past few years to figure out where I fit in the Non monogamous community. Am I Polyamorous? Am I still just Monogamous? Why does what I want seem to cover both relationship styles?

Through writing my last piece on Odysessy, I discovered there is a Nonmonogamous relationship style that resembles a "V". Poly communities call it a Closed Triad or Monogamish, because its still seen to be Monogamy, just with gatekeeping restrictions.

Still, it seems to be EXACTLY what I've been striving to achieve relationship-wise my whole life. Two separate monogamous relationships. Double primaries. YES! THIS! Its called Polyfidelity. So I'm not polyamorous, because I still hold a lot of monogamous ideals to heart. But I'm not monogamous because I feel like primary love shouldn't be limited to just one person. For me, Polyfidelity seems to be the mixture of these two concepts. This doesn't stop the Unicorn Hunting grievances of being a single Bi cisfemale, in fact, a bunch of Unicorn Hunters see Polyfidelity as what Unicorn Hunting is supposed to end up as. But at least I finally have a name for what I've been feeling and wanting, and can find a community of acceptance and support around it.

I'm REALLY very relieved about this revelation of mine, and I hope to have better experiences navigating Poly fidelitious circles than I've had navigating Polyamorous circles and Monogamous circles.

I decided that though I still have ALOT more articles to read and review for My Personal Beyond The Love Conference, more Polyamorous conferences and workshops to go to, and more Polyamory books to buy - this blogs' name and purpose would change to reflect what relationship style I truly personally identify with.

New Odyssey Clip. More people, more problems.

Starting off My Personal Beyond The Love conference...

The main question I wanted an answer to is how do I fit in the Nonmonogamy umbrella?

I know many people vehemently hate labels. But labels help me figure out who I am and who thinks like me. That way if I have an issue I can talk to people who share my values and may have been through my exact position and can give me direction.

My ideal relationship structure is having a male primary and a female primary. A 'V' as it's referred to, where I am the hinge. Because I am NOT into threesomes, I have NO interest in being a couple's unicorn. If my 2 primaries are cordial to one another, that would be great. I would prefer that both of them be completely single since I am; that way we're all equal - but that's not a hard limit since the majority of people are already in relationships. I'm willing to be flexible on my partners being single as well - as long they don't want me to do anything with their other partners outside of acquaintances/friendships.

I recently designed my dream poly household. There'd be 5 bedrooms; one for me, one for him, one for her, a guest room, and a play room. There'd also be bathrooms in all the 3 bedrooms - not in the guest room and the play room. We'd all share a eat in kitchen and living room. I designed this dream house this way to give us all our privacy spaces while still living together. I'm an introvert and I have quirky habits, plus I have Crohn's Disease, so I NEED space. And it wouldn't be fair to make private space for myself and not for the other special people in my life.

I'm also not ignorant of the fact that my preferred relationship structure is too rigid for others in the poly community to get on board with. I've been called selfish and a slut shamer and unreasonable because I won't engage in threesomes, and because I won't date anyone whose already in a relationship. But I know me, and I know I'll forever be on edge and a jealous crazy wreck if I date people who already have people. I want to be happy when I'm in love. Not stressed and constantly waiting on my partners to cheat on me or leave me. I can relax if no one is dating anyone else. We're all just single and dating. So knowing all that, and knowing how the world is, there's a good chance I'll never get what I want out of a polyish relationship. And though I would be monogamous to both my partners, I'm not monogamous.

So does this make me Solo Poly? A Nonmonogamist? A Relationship Anarchist? Or something else? I'm hoping all this pieces I'm going to review will help answer this since I couldn't ask at Beyond The Love.

My personal Beyond The Love conference

(This was originally posted on my Fetlife account December 2017.)

So, I won't be able to attend Beyond The Love this weekend like I wanted to, so I decided to put together my own Beyond The Love conference. I looked up the classes I would've attended this weekend, then found articles on those subjects. I'll read and review all these on this blog. Follow along if care to keep up with my thoughts on all these topics. I won't be able to review them in one sitting, but hopefully by the end of 2017 these should all be done. The articles I'll be reviewing are below.

Vulnerability in Poly Relationships:

● https://polysingleish.com/tag/vulnerability/

● https://www.google.com/amp/s/solopoly.net/2013/05/23/why-vulnerability-doesnt-really-suck-from-a-confessed-sore-loser/amp/

How to have difficult conversations:

● http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2016/12/14/six-rules-for-difficult-conversations/

● https://www.morethantwo.com/polymonodialog.html

Still here; Still Queer; The roots and practice of Queer Nonmonogamy:

● https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/susan-song-polyamory-and-queer-anarchism-infinite-possibilities-for-resistance

● https://medium.com/@thelolaphoenix/why-non-monogamy-isnt-queer-de4b115cecbc

(Item for wishlist: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0171WAFC2/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1)

Boundary setting in Polyamory:

● http://polyamoryonpurpose.com/hard-boundaries-and-soft-boundaries/

● http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/category/boundaries/

● https://polyamorytoday.com/polyamory-articles/setting-polyamory-boundaries-and-limits/

Jealousy and Compersion in Polyamory:

● https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201312/jealousy-and-compersion-multiple-partners-1

● http://www.yourtango.com/20086005/compersion-for-beginners

● http://smarter-love.blogspot.com/2010/08/jealousy-envy-and-compersion.html?m=1

● http://helloflo.com/understanding-polyamory-whats-compersion/

● https://poly.land/2017/05/03/poly-sensitive-compersion-jealousy-feels/

Relationship Anarchy misconceptions:

● http://blackandpoly.org/relationship-anarchy-and-common-misconceptions/

● http://www.relationship-anarchy.com/videos/2016/6/20/do-relationship-anarchists-commit

● https://theestablishment.co/relationship-anarchy-takes-the-judgment-out-of-love-96a9a7af9954

MonoPoly in Polyamory:

● https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201411/polymono-or-monopoly-0

● https://www.morethantwo.com/monopoly-existing.html

● http://polyamoryonpurpose.com/abuse-boundaries-and-incompatibilities-in-monopoly-relationships/

The Solo Polyamorist:

● https://solopoly.net/2014/12/05/what-is-solo-polyamory-my-take/

● https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201310/solo-polyamory-singleish-single-poly

● https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/solo-polyamory-isnt-just-dating/

Polyamory 101:

● https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html

● http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/category/polyamory-101/

Fetlife Adventures: Rant: HOW RUDE!!!

(This was originally posted on my Fetlife profile January 2017.)

So I recently posted a status update that said how I was down because I wanted a girlfriend and hopefully one day I'll find her. Then a guy comments "y not a couple?" "You can enjoy a man and a woman."

### HOW RUDE.

Seriously, just because I am Bi - **THAT DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO BE WITH A COUPLE. I REALLY DON'T WANT THAT.**

Just because I want to have a girlfriend and a Daddy Dom in my life - **THAT DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO BE WITH A COUPLE. I REALLY DON'T WANT THAT.**

I am single; therefore I wish to enter into relationships with those who are also single. Make sense? It does to me.

As I said in my journal about couples, **IF I DECIDE TO BE WITH A COUPLE, IT WILL BE BECAUSE I'M DATING THEM SEPARATELY - NOT AS A UNIT.** Couples are just two individual people who came together as one. I refuse to see a couple as a single unit because apart they are two individual human beings - and should be treated as such. **I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH COUPLES WHO ACT LIKE THEY CANNOT DO ANYTHING WITHOUT ONE ANOTHER. IF YOU DON'T TRUST YOUR PARTNER ENOUGH TO PLAY AND FORM RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS WITHOUT YOU IN THE ROOM WATCHING AND/OR PARTICIPATING - WHY WOULD I WANT TO INVITE THAT IN MY LIFE?**

Individual connections and relationships matter more to me than anything. But this infuriating idea that I can't have a relationship or play with one of you without having a relationship with or playing with the other person too is **RIDICULOUS** to me. It just is.

### I wish to enter into a romantic relationship with a woman and a man. **NOT A COUPLE.**

Did I mention how much I **HATE** it when someone (female or male) lists "Single" but their actually a couple trying to bait-and-switch me into sleeping with them? And Unicorn Hunters wonder why they can't find a Bisexual female to "join their relationship."

And how did he even make the creepy leap that me wanting a girlfriend meant that I was actually asking for a couple? ???

### BLOCKED.

Fetlife Adventures: Poly problems

(This was originally posted on my Fetlife profile December 2016.)

# *I haven't posted a new Fetlife Adventure in SSSOOO long since there's so much else to explore on the site.*

__________________________________________

I've been trying to work on the sexual hypocrisies I hold onto in my life. I want to believe that in a relationship I would be fair - but I also know that my emotional maturity is not high enough up there to be able to handle interpersonal curve balls.

## **Guys**

I know without any doubt that I want to spend my life with a man. I also know that this will cause me quite a bit of emotional turmoil as a nonmonogamous Bisexual individual.

I don't want to tell my future Sir that he can't seek satisfaction outside of our relationship. I still want him to play at play parties and have sexy time when I'm with my girlfriend.

But I also know that I would feel some type of way if he actually started developing feelings for the women he was sleeping with. Time would start being split between them and me. I would feel unwanted and easy to replace.

I'm crushing really hard on someone in an open relationship. As much as I want things to work out with him, I don't know how comfortable I would be building a relationship with someone who belongs to someone else. Nonmonogamy is freeing and useful in theory, but exploring nonmonogamy with someone I'm in love with means I have more to lose if things don't work out.

## **Women**

I know without any doubt that I want to spend my life with a female. I also know that this will cause me quite a bit of emotional turmoil as a nonmonogamous Bisexual individual.

I would love to have a Lesbian girlfriend. I wouldn't have to worry about her being attracted to my future Sir. But I can't just count out other Bisexual women just because there's a possibility that they'll want my future Sir. Finding a Bisexual girlfriend that already has a man in her life would be good, but there's a good chance that that relationship will be more important to her and she'll only see me as girl-on-girl sex. That's not what I want. I see Lesbian relationships as fullfilling and valid as Hetereosexual relationships. I wouldn't want to be another woman's sex toy. I want to be her equal.

Maybe all these questions I have will work themselves out once I meet a Daddy and a girlfriend that are willing to explore all my nonmonogamous inquiries with me. Till then, the search for them is just as informative as all the questions I pose in this journal here.

Fetlife Adventures: What Beyond The Love 2016 has taught me

(This was originally posted on my Fetlife profile November 2016.)

I had initial trepidation going to Beyond The Love because my form of "Poly" is different than others. But my intense need to be as much as a kink informational sponge as possible drove me to throw caution to the wind and go to the conference.

_______________________________________

#### The Good.

I like that there was a mix of Poly 101 classes as well as a mix of more advanced Poly classes. The variety of activities offered to the merchandise being sold to all the informational resources whether local to Columbus or international was unparalleled.

The host hotel was SO gracious and gorgeous. The room I stayed in was one of the fanciest hotel rooms I've ever been in. I was so sad to pack my things at Check Out time. It really felt like a vacation staying there.

#### The Bad.

There was a Quiet Space available at the event. But for the life of me I couldn't find it. I frequently had to go back and forth to my room to avoid freaking out around the people that were there. Being an anxiety-ridden Introvert was HARD at this event. There was no escape from people.

One of the organizers noted that advertising for the conference in kinky communities was not received well. The trend on Fetlife is also to dismiss anyone polyamorous and glamorize monogamy instead of respecting the different relationship styles. Which leads me to the other part missing from the conference.

There weren't any resources or representation there for people who practice nonmonogamy. In fact, there was an overtone of not approving of anyone who practiced any kind of monogamy. Which leads me to the next part.

#### The Ugly.

One particular class rubbed me the wrong way. As an Egalitarian/Men's Rights Activist (MRA), this class blatantly made me feel like anyone who was monogamous, a Heterosexual man, or a Bisexual person was not welcome in LGT spaces in general. Those who identify as Queer or Pansexual were part of the crowd - and those that weren't were not really part of the crowd. And that just came off as entitled and hypocritical. And I wasn't the only person who felt that way. A trans female was continuously engaging in a verbal sparring about how a Heterosexual male can identify to feel welcome into an LGBT space. I could hear in her voice just how upset she was that the majority of the group did not welcome Heterosexual men into their respective spaces and cliques. I personally feel like Monogamy is beautiful. Heterosexuality is beautiful. Homosexuality is beautiful. Lesbianism is beautiful. Bisexuality is beautiful. The Trans community is beautiful. Asexuality is beautiful. To put all the other sexualities in higher esteem over Heterosexuality and Monogamy to be progressive is just not right. Whoever feels like they have a place in an alternative sexuality space should have the freedom to be welcomed there. Because I guarantee that that monogamous hetereosexual guy you don't want at your LGBT center would be one of your fiercest allies if you gave him the chance to learn and be comfortable in your space so he can realize that's why the space is needed.

#### The Takeaway.

Though that workshop angered me, it opened my eyes to the other side of the coin of a perpendicular dilemma in a different situation.

I finally understand the other side of the preference debate.

Whenever people put on a dating profile "no Blacks, no Asians, no Latinos" I was one of the ones saying how unfair and racist it was that people were eliminating whole races from their dating pool. What if their true love is Black or Asian or Latino?

There was a unspoken yet confirmed idea in the workshop that if you don't date anyone Trans then your not progressive and your erasing their identities by not including them in your dating pool. And I thought, "but I'm not attracted to trans women. Why does my not being attracted to trans women mean that I'm erasing their identity?" And I realized that my initial reaction to the perception the people in the class were giving off was the same argument that people had in response to why they specify what races they prefer on dating profiles.

Just because their not attracted to Blacks, Asians, and Latinos doesn't mean that they hate them. By insisting people include those their not attracted to in their dating pool, its essentially taking away someone's free will to control their own happiness.

I now no longer feel like people who specify what races they don't want to date are racist. They have their preferences. And they should be more than welcome to express those preferences without being shamed into dropping those preferences in order to be progressive.

______________________________________________

This conference has overall reignited my activist passion. In trying to fit in and find my place in the kink world, I have neglected the part of me that has always been about trying to gain acceptance and equality in the LGT communities as Bisexual. I've neglected the part of myself that was all about researching nonmonogamy in opposition to polyamory. To dedicating myself to more MRA and Egalitarian activism.

Beyond The Love taught me that I need to get back into putting my energy into supporting causes that go beyond love and into LGT community acceptance.

Fetlife Adventures: MonoPoly questions

(This was originally posted on my Fetlife profile October 2016.)

A lot of the Poly and Nonmonogamy group discussions on this site make me think about situations I may encounter in the future when it comes to how I do my nonmonogamy. It may seem unnecessary to think so far in the future of relationships I haven't entered yet - but these thoughts tend to help me solve more closer quandaries.

Because I know that I am emotionally monogamous, nesting within a nonmonogamous setup maybe a bit problematic for me. If I eventually nest with my future Sir, how will I reconcile not nesting with my future girlfriend as well? Would she resent our relationship and feel like I don't love her as much as I love him and that I'm more Straight than Bisexual for nesting with him? Or if I find her first and we live together and then he comes along. Would he feel like I was more Lesbian than Bisexual since I'm not living with him too?

Now I know everyone is not alike. I may find a Sir and a girlfriend that won't care who I live with primarily - as long as their getting their needs/wants met in the relationship. But how about how I'll feel in this situation? Since essentially I'd be the hinge in this scenario; how can I be comfortable in the nesting vs. non-nesting relationship if one of them isn't with me as well. I hate feeling left out. And I hate that that scenario would put me in a situation that one of them would be left out.

But I also hate being too inclusive. Which is why I don't particularly care to call myself Polyamorous. Poly feels WAY too inclusive to me. Like, if I'm dating this guy who has a girlfriend and then she's my metamour and maybe I'm also dating her sister and my boyfriend has a boyfriend too and we each have like 2 play partners each...I can see the beauty in setups like this - but I know myself well enough to know that this would be too much for me. Poly also seems to frown HEAVILY on jealousy. You have to get rid of that emotion - or work on it nonstop to even consider Polyamory. I know myself to know that I'm a jealous person. But I'm free enough to know that I wouldn't be happy only limiting myself to just a guy my whole life or just a woman my whole life. Now if I were to have both my Sir and my girlfriend living with me? At what point do we just say fuck it and have threesomes all the time? That's not what I want - but wouldn't I be inviting that kind of thing by living with both of them?

Again though; I could luck out and find a Sir and a girlfriend that won't want each other and just want me - which is the scenario I prefer - and would make all this analyzing about it pointless.

There's a good possibility that things won't fall the way I prefer. I'll find the perfect guy - whose already in a relationship; or find a female with a husband. And I believe that's the REAL reason why I think so much in the future when it comes to relationships. I know what I want; I know what I prefer; but are those things worth sticking to and indoingso passing on those who have different relationships goals than I have? What are my nonmonogamous hard limits then if I'm willing to forgo my relationship preferences and be with anybody?

Unknown.

Fetlife Adventures: Polyamory is not a bad word.

(This was originally posted on my Fetlife profile August 2016.)

I don't understand the prejudice against those of us who identify as polyamorous here on Fetlife. Even my BFF (whose known about the kind of relationship dynamic I've been searching for FOR YEARS) says I get messages from couples and those wanting casual sex because polyamorous is listed on my profile.

Almost daily a new journal is posted about the glory of monogamy and how polyamory seems to have taken over Fetlife. So according to Fetlife; polyamory is the equivalent of Bisexuality. It is seen as something deviant that only greedy over-sexed people indulge in. These prejudices against us has caused rifts in the polyamorous community here. There are currently numerous poly groups on Fet arguing over what definition on polyamory is acceptable, and which can be shunned so people stop thinking we're all the same.

Those new to polyamory, couples opening their relationships, and couples searching for bi females are now seen as the enemy because they give polyamory a bad rap. But I feel like the poly people who feel like these subgroups of polyamory are trouble is whats giving polyamory a bad rap. Behavior like this falls under slut-shaming; where those who practice finding multiple partners based on feelings for long term relationships look down on those who look for multiple partners based on attraction for physical relationships.

No matter where people fall on the poly spectrum, that's no reason to avoid all poly people like the plague. For me, polyamory is simply the ability to openly juggle multiple romantic relationships. Whether these relationships are based on sex or love is irrelevant. The fact that someone can have multiple loves of their life or have multiple sex partners and everyone involved has consented to sharing one another should be respected just as its respected when someone secures the one and only love of their life. Is everyone cut out for polyamory? Hell no. Is everyone cut out for monogamy? Hell no. But it IS possible for these two relationship styles to respect each others' differences. Its even possible for these two worlds to coexist without drama in the mix. PLENTY of people enter into relationships where one person is poly and the other is monogamous. And the world keeps on spinning regardless. Imagine that!

Compatibility is everything. I'm obviously not compatible with a polyamorous person who forms relationships based on attraction for sex because I wish to form relationships based on feelings for long term relationships. But am I going to shun people who form relationships opposite of me? No. That's makes no sense. I have no right to tell people how to form their own relationships. I have no right to judge people for how they form their relationships. I can only put a limit on how I want to form my own relationships.

Respect those of us who put polyamorous on our profiles. Whether we're looking for love or sex. Because we respect those of you who put monogamous on your profile; whether you guys are looking for love or sex. YKNMK. And that should be okay.

Fetlife Adventures: The thing about couples

(Originally posted this on my Fetlife profile July 2016.)

Dating a couple is an interesting concept on both sides of the coin. There are ENDLESS couples looking for a third for ongoing threesomes. There are Bi individuals like myself who desire to be with a male and female simultaneously. I identify as Monogamish - but does that automatically mean that individuals like me are open to couples??

*There are 4 main things that couples need to understand when it comes to being interesting to me.*

1. My main struggle with dating a couple is being their human sex toy. I am not interested in that.

## I am interested in entering and maintaining genuine friendship/monogamous romantic relationships with a man and a woman.

2. The MAJORITY of the time when couples approach me, I am interested in the female - NOT the male. Its EXTREMELY EXTREMELY rare for me to be in love with the female AND the male when approached by a couple. Sometimes its the reverse and the male interests me - but not the female (that's rare for me, but it does happen). My attractions to others don't conform to automatically falling in love with both members of an established couple. I have found that 99.9% of the time, the male half of the couple always wants to watch his woman and myself and eventually join in. I am not interested in being a man's personal masterbatory aide.

## I am interested in entering and maintaining genuine friendship/monogamous romantic relationships with a man and a woman.

3. I'm a human being - NOT a unicorn. I know the unicorn term was coined to identify a single Bi individual who has sex with a couple - BUT UNICORNS DON'T EXIST. Horses, yes. Unicorns? ...No. I am a human being that comes with my own set of goals, aspirations, fears, faults, desires, etc - and I don't fit into a neatly packaged sex box out of AdultMart to fulfill the desires of couples everywhere.

## I am interested in entering and maintaining genuine friendship/monogamous romantic relationships with a man and a woman.

4. Alot of couples are REALLY big on "couples privilegde" and that's too much for me to deal with. What I mean by "couples priviledge" is acting as if they are one unit with no aspirations, dreams, desires, friends, family, and lives outside each other. Add to that some couples practice veto power and ultimatums like "you can only play/fuck/date BOTH of us."

## I am interested in entering and maintaining genuine friendship/monogamous romantic relationships with a man and a woman.

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If the man and woman I fall in love with happen to be a couple - then that's who I'll be with. But am I specifically looking to be with a couple just because they comprise of a man and a woman? NO.

# If I DO decide to date a couple, I **ONLY** consider couples who play and date separately - NOT TOGETHER because

## I am interested in entering and maintaining genuine friendship/monogamous romantic relationships with a man and a woman.

Remember: BEFORE YOU WERE A COUPLE, YOU WERE TWO PEOPLE. ACT LIKE YOU ARE A PERSON, AND NOT HALF OF 2 PART HUMAN SEX OBJECT!!!

It is constant solitations such as these that perpetuates the socially dangerous stereotypes of Bi individuals being greedy and homewreckers and oversexed because only horny couples want anything to do with us. This isn't the case for a lot of Bi individuals - and it certainly isn't the case for me.

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❤ **==What Poly Hinge are you? From Poly.Land==**

The Caretaker

Caretakers have excellent relationship skills. They’re great at providing emotional support and exercising self-control. They anticipate the needs of others and will climb mountains to improve the lives of those they love.

*Pros:* When dating other caretaker types, the mutual support system is unshakable, solid, and wonderful. Helping people is generally gratifying and feels good.

*Cons:* At risk of being abused by unscrupulous or selfish partners. May not take enough time or do enough for themselves.

*Challenges:* Asking for support from others when they need it. Making sure that they don’t run themselves down helping others. Recognizing when they’re being mistreated. Accepting support that they need.

#### (OH YEAH - THIS IS ME TO A CAPITAL T.)

Had to share this Polyamorous meme I found on Facebook - it was just too funny not to share.