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Lord of the (Flaming Garbage) Pit

@baphomemelord-blog / baphomemelord-blog.tumblr.com

MY GOD. IT'S FULL OF MEMES
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This is my baking blog now.

My first two batches of bagels were strictly OK but with this third batch I’m finally getting somewhere. I started with this recipe: http://camolove.com/recipes/baking/homemade-rye-bagels/ I then made these modifications:

*Doubled the recipe overall to make 12 bagels *Went with the honey over the agave syrup because we have a lot of it *Subbed 3c All-purpose flour for 3c White Whole Wheat flour and 1.5Tbps Gluten *Added 2 eggs *The eggs made the dough WAY too liquid (whoops) so I ended up adding an extra .5c WWW flour during the kneading (thanks to my partner for the assist there...) *Forgot the brown sugar for the water bath. Whoops *Recipe doesn’t recommend an egg wash for whatever fucking reason but I did one. How they expect the toppings to stick to a bagel that is only wet with water is beyond me. Standard 1tsp water, 1 egg. *Toppings: 3 plain, 3 coarse salt (Fucking OP as shit topping, badly needs a nerf) 3 poppy seed, 3 sesame seed (pretty good)  Boiled for 1 minute, 20 seconds on both sides. Definitely not chewy enough, they need a longer bath next time. Baked for 27 minutes, they looked great on the first check.

Insights:

*Boil for longer *Probably don’t need both eggs AND gluten. Next time try eggs-only, and possibly more of them. *Whole wheat/rye is fucking tasty. Salt on top of that is broken. *I overshot the crumbly/springy balancing point this time, probably due to the gluten. Boiling for longer probably will help, too. *Next time make sure that extra flour AND extra water are on hand during the kneading phase. First time in a while I’ve overshot the liquid/solid balancing point rather than undershooting. *I still need a big cookie sheet...

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*man gets down on one knee* man: good shit good shit *man produces and opens a small jewelry box* man: sign me the fuck up?

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Getting to know...

Name: Michael

Gender: Trash (Male)

Height: 5'11

Where I live: A garbage can (Concord, CA)

Time/date: 11:46 PM, (PST) 8/7/2015

Average amount of sleep: 6 hours, 6 minutes, 6 seconds.

Most recently watched and enjoyed movie: Mad Max: Fury Road. 

My favorite band: Spinal Tap.

One thing that ticks me off: Improper use of memes.

Favorite drink: Mocha.

Meaning of my URL: What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across theUSA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

Favorite movie soundtrack: Spinal Tap. I don’t have any friends so I’m not tagging anyone.

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