You are working the gate in the afterlife and for the first time ever, something the humans built has shown up to be processed. You’re not sure what to do, this… entity shouldn’t have a soul, but here it is in front of you, freshly dead and awaiting the next life.

It’s not as exciting as it sounds, working at the pearly gates.

Sure, it’s satisfying to send the hypocrites and the assholes to hell. And it’s nice to see the ones who thought they were beyond redemption walk through into paradise.

So yeah, it has its perks. But not exciting. I mean, after the first million souls or so they all blur together, you know? You never get anything new. Animals all get sent right on through automatically and there’s nothing other then humans in our jurisdiction. Oh sure, there’s life other then humans. But that’s no my department.

I keep tads on humans on my lunch breaks. You’re a damn fascinating species, better then anything your “television” puts out. Although The Good Place was a little too relatable, I’ll give you guys that.

Anyway, one of my favorite things you guys came up with was the Space Race. I mean, what a nail biter! And it was so tense up until the end. Pity about those Apollo one guys, though. But I heard they got a kick out of watching the moon landing when it did happen.

Course, that sorta died down after a decade or so. Don’t know why you guys quit going to the moon.

And then you decided Mars was the place to be and started sending out all those rovers of yours. Not nearly as exiting as going yourselves, but as you all like to say, baby steps.

The rovers were surprisingly fun to watch. For mindless robots, they’ve got a lot of spunk. So I’d check in every once in while, but mostly I watched Earth. You guys had figured out how to work memes and it was a very amusing thing.

I was half way through a shift when it go here. I have no idea why none of the others I processed mentioned the thing, but death is confusing enough I guess.

It shouldn’t have been there. I want to make that clear, by no law of the universe should that thing have had a soul. You humans are where closer to making actual AI then you are sprouting wings. And you never even tried with this! Its job was to collect rocks!

And yet there is was, beeping up at me.

It didn’t look like a human soul. Or any other form of life that I had ever seen. It wasn’t damaged at all, or even afraid. That was the weirdest thing. You humans are always scared shitless by the time I see you. But this thing wasn’t. Even a little. It was just… curious. Like that’s all I could feel from it. Pure wonder.

I blinked a bit before flipping through my files, seeing if it was a new species or something. I found nothing, of course. Those idiots over in records never give us anything useful.

So I did the only thing I could do. I asked its name.

Now, you humans have come up with so many ways to say the same thing that I’ve had to learn a lot of languages to keep up. The newest was binary, which I never expected to actually need.

It came in handy, since that’s what the thing answered back in.

01001111 01110000 01110000 01101111 01110010 01110100 01110101 01101110 01101001 01110100 01111001

Opportunity.

I remembered that name. It had popped up in new reports regarding a Mars rover that went out of commission, sending the final message “my battery is low and its getting dark.” before dying.

Humanity had cried over it for a solid couple of days. You guys really like personifying objects.

But I had dismissed it as just that. But here it was. Waiting patiently for me to send it On.

I could just opened the gates and sent it through and put from my mind. Make the thing some else’s problem.

I didn’t.

I stood, crossed in front of my desk, and put out my hand to touch the strange soul.

Opportunity didn’t feel human. Nor animal. It felt…. simple. Calm.

I could feel an awearness of the love its chief engineer had felt for it. The pang of missing the workshop back on Earth where it had been built, during long nights on Mars.

It had dreamed. Dreamed of humans making it to Mars and finding it. Of it’s engineer taking it home and repairing it. Dreamed of exploring Earth as it had Mars.

I could purpose, and curiosity in its mission. Lonely as it was, it never doubted its purpose or resented its lot in life. It got to learn, and to see what had never been seen. What more could it ask for?

I could feel one tiny spec of fear. Near the end of its life, it realized it would never go home. Never see Earth or its engineer again. That it would die alone on Mars.

And like all things with a soul it did not want to die. It cried and mourned and begged to live. It was alive! It had a home and it wanted to go home! So badly did it want to go home.

But there was nothing to do, of course. Even its engineer, whom it loved so dearly, couldn’t reach Mars and bring Opportunity home.

It had watched one last sunset, and sent one last message.

A goodbye. And a plea to be mourned, if it could not be saved.

I withdrew my hand and looked over the soul. It looked up at me.

For the ones that I send upstairs, I take the form of whoever loved them most in life. I guess in that moment, I was in the form of an engineer at NASA. Opportunity seemed delighted to see me.

“Welcome home,” I gestured to the gates that swung slowly open behind me. “I missed you.”

It beeped out a single phase, 01001001 00100000 01101101 01101001 01110011 01110011 01100101 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110100 01101111 01101111

I missed you too.

Before going forth, to explore the next life.

@marcholasmoth

I am crying at work over an opportunity robot fanfiction. Humans are incredible.

@thebibliosphere

Jurassic World did the Avatar thing where it made a gajillion dollars and left no cultural footprint whatsoever. Name your favorite Jurassic World character. What was your favorite line. It evaporated despite everyone seeing it.

WRONG fav character was the extra that ran away from the pterodactyls with two margheritas in hand

Gotta do everything myself around here

So, I went into this guy’s Wikipedia page, because he looked familiar. And there’s this big “Controversies” section, so I was preparing myself to read that even the margaritas/pterodactyls guy has sexually assaulted someone. But it turns out that he hasn’t. However, he:

- Has been sued for copyright infringement for a ‘blasphemous’ musical rendition of a monologue from the 1950s

- He was on a plane with U2′s Bono and his family, and the plane was shot by the Jamaican police, who believed they were smuggling marijuana. He wrote a song about the incident.

- He’s actually a singer, and his better known song in called MARGARITAVILLE. He also owns the Margaritaville Cafe restaurant chain. And has licensed Margaritaville Tequila, Margaritaville Footwear, and a Margaritaville Foods. He owns the Margaritaville Casino, has released a “Margaritaville Online” game, and he wrote and starred in a musical called “Escape to Margaritaville”

- He also wrote a song called “Math Suks”, which was condemned by the US National Council of Teachers of Mathematics for its alleged negative effect on children’s education. 

- He was thrown out of a basketball game he was watching for using blasphemous language in front of kids.

- And he was detained by French customs for allegedly carrying over 100 pills of ecstasy. Although he was released after paying a fine, and, according to him, the pills were a B-vitamin supplement.

So, yeah, that was refreshing controversies section-wise, but now I don’t know what to do with all that information.

Maybe its my age, but i’m a little concerned that the fact he is a singer and wrote Margaritaville wasn’t prior knowledge and is considered a controversy

Beach, booze, Buffett.

Jimmy Buffett plays the margarita guy in Jurassic World because his most famous song is “Margaritaville” and this is therefore hilarious, I thought

I think that it is actually really awesome to watch people discover a part of pop culture that you believed was ubiquitous. Like we don’t know! Is this user young? Are they perhaps not American? Are they neither of those but just one of those people who exists a little to the left of popular society? I am aware of Jimmy Buffet but I have only ever heard the BNL pisstake of Margaritaville and I couldn’t pick him out of a lineup of 1.

It’s like one time when I was 21 or so, a friend of mine who was 17 or 18 told me he found “a great old band” in his stepdad’s CD collection called Skunk Anansie and I was just faced with the extent to which the things we get exposed to vary so wildly.

“he wrote a song”

seriously? Bars have events where they play his entire music career and it lasts until the bar has to close, without repeating.

They usually decorate the bar to look like a tropical beach. If they trust their regulars they’ll even dump some sand in the corner with a plastic palm tree for pictures.

I prefer Pave Paradise and Put Up a Parking Lot but he’s got some jams.

RIP Jimmy Buffett

Hope he’s chillin on a beach in the afterlife

Jimmy Buffett

December 25th 1946 - September 1st 2023

likes charge reblogs cast

Posit an axiom, you’re the Peano man Prove us a theorem tonight Well, we’re all in the mood for mathematica And you’ve got us deducing things right 

but it’s sad and it’s sweet, arithmetic’s not complete, but consistency’s better you know

I sent this to the group chat with my advisor and his wife and my advisor had way too much fun…

Several days later my advisor informs me he completed it and put it in the folder where my thesis is stored. Here you go, dorks. I do not understand most of this, don’t ask.

Recipe for 'fodni dilela' (tempered) Curd Rice

(It is so much better than plain curd rice trust me)

Ingredients:

Rice: Enough to get however many servings you need. You need to pre-cook it for this, preferably with salt. If you are used to the non-sticky kind, add more water than you would usually add. This recipe is perfect for using up plain leftover rice, the kind you'd eat with a curry or gravy. For the variety I use, you need to add rice and water in a 1:2 to 1:2.5 ratio but adjust according to variety, preference, and age of the rice

Curd: Enough to wet the rice and slightly more. Pancake batter consistency

Garlic: To your heart's content, chopped

Mustard seeds: Two pinches or one teaspoon per serving of rice (psor)

Curry leaves: 2 or 3 psor

Green chillies (or any other chilli): 1 psor, chopped into long slices

Hinga (asafoetida)(optional): A hint of it? A few grains? About 1/16th of a teaspoon psor

Oil: As per the above ingredients, add enough to create like a mini puddle the ingredients can be partially submerged in. Yes this is a valid instruction

Sugar: To taste according to the sourness of the curd. Don't use or limit use if the curd isn't sour

Salt: To taste

Recipe:

Cook rice if you aren't using leftovers. Make it a little stickier than usual if you are used to the non-sticky kind. Let it cool a little.

Mix curd with sugar and salt. Whip it into a paste-like consistency. It should taste more savoury than sweet. You know what that means. Trust your gut.

Mash the rice to get rid of lumps if present and add to the curd. At this stage if the mixture is too thick you can add more curd (plus adjust salt and sugar) or even add milk to thin it.

Heat oil in a pan or any utensil you want it doesn't matter. Add mustard seeds and let them crackle. Add hinga. Add curry leaves and chillies and let them fry a bit. Add garlic and fry till golden.

Take this fodni or temper and add it to the curd rice mixture. Mix well.

Profit???

Honestly, even if you don't have the rest try using just garlic and chillies. You will not regret it

STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE — 5.07 "Let He Who Is Without Sin..."

Strawberry Short Snake

OH MY GOD NO

THIS IS TOO ADORABLE

AND THE PUN IS KILLING ME

lemonsharks you definitely need this.

I am so insane about the Job arc.

God says, "I will destroy Job's children," and Aziraphale says, "How did he wrong you?"

God says, "I will destroy Job's children," and Aziraphale says, "How will you make it right?"

God says, "I will destroy Job's children," and Aziraphale says, "Gosh, I don't doubt you know what you are doing and all, but maybe we could slow things down a little and talk about this? And it's essential to the divine plan? Are we sure?"

Crowley says, "I will destroy Job's children," and Aziraphale looks him in the eye and says, "No, you won't."

#more faith in crowley than god. that's fucking nuts actually. (@dat-eyebrows)

EXACTLY.

I want every single person becoming unhinged over this post to know that I am kissing you very gently on the forehead. This thought scrambled my neurons and I am glad you are all here to share it with me.

Can someone please explain to me what evaporated milk is? Wouldn’t that just be gas by definition? I live in constant fear

no no it’s what left behind after the milk has been evaporated cuz only the water goes, not the other stuff

THERE’S WATER IN MILK?

WHAT DID YOU THINK THE LIQUID WAS?

IDK ISNT MILK ITS OWN LIQUID?

NO

IT’S MILK-STUFF MIXED WITH WATER

MILK STUFF? DOESNT IT JUST COME FROM THE COW’S TIT?

ITS LIKE TIT JUICE, THERE IS WATER IN JUICE AND THERE IS WATER IN MILK

It’s fat droplets suspended in water, with some nutrients and soforth dissolved in it. You know, like ranch dressing.

Evaporated milk is just dehydrated milk.

Obsessed with the user who assumed milk was its own element on the periodic table

As op I felt like I had to make this

Milk, the forbidden 119th element

the only question left is if it’s a metal, non-metal, or metalloid.

OP seems to have classified it as a special case of halfnium, reclassified as a lanthanide. This has fascinating implications for electron orbital geometry.

Anyway it’s a rare earth metal apparently.

Yes I definitely classified it intentionally and knew exactly what I was doing when I put it with the lanthanides because I am never wrong

MILK IS A RARE EARTH METAL

I thought so, I took one look at your classification and immediately thought “this is definitely someone with a deep understanding of how the periodic table works”

I’m glad that we have reached a consensus on the expected elemental properties of milk

I’d really like to know what @derinthescarletpescatarian’s thoughts are on milk’s electron orbital geometry

That would involve writing a crash course in how suborbitals work on a post about whether water (the primary ingredient in milk) is in milk and even for tumblr that’s going a bit far

no, it is absolutely not going too far

You guys always complain that you don’t get to learn stuff in normal ways and then you come asking for this

MILK IS SEVERAL COMPOUNDS PLEASE YALL ARE KILLING ME OVER HERE

We have a container of dry milk because in addition to a little fat and sugars, it contains proteins, which settle into the pores of nitrocellulose membranes, making sure analytical proteins (specific antibodies) don’t get trapped. We could just use casein (one of the proteins in milk), but milk is much cheaper and can also be found at Walmart.

No milk is a lanthanide keep up

lanthanide?

I think you mean lactanide

I will put lego in all of your shoes

A cube of milk with 3 inches of edge length can blow up the galaxy.

Our galaxy is actually the result of such an explosion, that’s why we call it the Milky Way

this is a unique sort of thread in which you’ll find two types of people exclusively: nerds and dumbasses

Enter OCEAN EYES and NOT DEAD YET, two of the king’s most quarrelsome stablehands.

OCEAN May one explain what powdered milk doth be? Is it not gas? I live in constant fear.

NOT DEAD The water flees to air, the rest is left. The dry debris then forms the powdered milk.

OCEAN Thou sayest water doth reside in milk?

NOT DEAD Pray tell what thou believ’st the liquid is?

OCEAN Is milk not one pure substance in itself?

NOT DEAD No; ‘tis only milk-stuff mixed with water.

OCEAN Yet milk appears from living cows’ own tits!

NOT DEAD ‘Tis juice from tits, yet water still it holds. If water be in juice, then ‘tis in milk.

Enter DERIN, the scarlet pescatarian.

DERIN ‘Tis drops of fat afloat in water, As if ‘twas dressing for thy greens. With water gone, the powdered milk remains.

A NOTE attached to an arrow, written by BURNING BRAND, flies through the window.

BURNING BRAND’S NOTE Obsessed with he who foolishly believ’d That milk is element of chemistry.

The NOTE crumbles to ash. BURNING BRAND is not seen again.

OCEAN As he who instigated such a fight, I felt that this creation was my duty.

OCEAN unrolls a scroll of parchment with a flourish.

OCEAN Behold, ‘tis milk, one hundred and nineteen.

Enter JASON FUNDER BERKER, a frog.

JASON FUNDER BERKER And yet the burning question still remains: ‘Tis metal, not, or somewhere in between?

JASON FUNDER BERKER does not wait to hear the answer, and exits.

DERIN A lanthinide! A special case, I see. How fascinating, geometrically.  But let us leave atomic musings be. For milk is a rare metal of our Earth.

OCEAN Of course it is, for I am always right. My choices are, of course, deliberate.

DERIN I do not doubt thou speakest truth, my lord Thy brilliant mind is utterly unmatch’d. It seems that an agreement has been reach’d.

OCEAN Of course; however, in sincerity I wish to know thy scholar-driven thoughts.

DERIN I fear ‘twould be beyond thy comprehension. To teach to thee would take this much too far.

Exit OCEAN, in a huff. Enter JESIN, BOOP BOOP, FLIPOCRITE, VELVET, and LOVELY DREAMS, curious onlookers attracted to the scene.

JESIN Do teach us, it would not take this too far!

DERIN Ye all complain of learning strangely, Then ask me baiting questions such as this!

BOOP BOOP Thy gross ineptitude shall be my death! Milk is formed of small component parts. The fat, the sugars, proteins all combine They seep through pores of membranes in this drink Unpleasant compounds all are filter’d out. All this obtained for small amounts of coin.

DERIN No, milk is lanthanide, pray keep the pace.

FLIPOCRITE The word thou mean’st is lactanide, I think.

DERIN May sharpened pain-shaped stones fill up thy shoes So that thou never know’st a moment’s peace.

VELVET A cube of milk, three inches on each side Could blow up the entire galaxy.

DERIN Our galaxy was formed in such a fashion. ‘Tis why we gave it name of “Milky Way.”

LOVELY DREAMS Thus ends our entertainment for the night Here fools and pompous scholars come to fight.

Exuent, pursued by a cow.

(Shakespearean adaptation format inspired by @mortimermcmirestinks​ in this post)

Youpeople have no right to be this funny on my dash so early in the morning

This is one of those threads that would go perfectly as a video set to “in the hall of the mountain king” and we all know it, I’m just not gonna be the one to make it

OP, this is a genuinely genius method of tricking the human brain into beginning to understand the sort of scale that this looks like.

So here’s what I’m thinking.

Good Omens was about Crowley being charged with delivering the Antichrist to earth and overseeing his upbringing.

The sequel, then, would’ve been about Aziraphale being charged with bringing about the Second Coming. A nice parallel to the first book.

But in order to get there, we would need a reason as to why it was Aziraphale, not Gabriel, who was charged with that. Traditionally it would’ve been Gabriel, right?

So Gabriel had to go away somehow, and Aziraphale had to become Supreme Archangel after rejecting and being rejected by Heaven. Hence, season 2, connecting the two stories.

And I love how Season 2 did this.

(and I have a lot of thoughts, so putting the rest of this long post beneath the cut)

Keep reading

somehow instead of saying "as a treat", I've started using the phrase "for morale", as if my body is a ship and its crew, and I (the captain) have to keep us in high spirits, lest we suffer a mutiny in the coming days.

and so I will eat this small block of fancy cheese, for morale. I will take a break and drink some tea, for morale. I will pick up that weird bug, for morale.

I'm not sure if it helps, but it does entertain me

not to talk about doctor who but remember being a lonely depressed teenager and hearing him say ‘900 years of time and space and i’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important’

he was like ‘just this once-everybody lives’ and i chased that shit with homosexual determination for every day since, like maybe through pure force of will i could save everyone i loved from a system that wanted us dead

One of the best letters I’ve ever seen just popped up on my Facebook memories. Still makes me laugh.

As today is the 50th anniversary of the moon landing, it’s a great time to revisit Dinah from Devon’s memory of this historic event. And yes, still makes me laugh.

Today is the 54th anniversary of the moon landing, but Dinah’s diary entry is still absolutely magnificent.