OPENING SOON - RESERVE TICKETS BEFORE THE UPRISING

EDITORIAL: THE BATTLE FOR SILAS IS ONLY BEGINNING

Samuel David Ellis - As many of you know, in the confusion that followed the loss of Dean Morgan and the overthrow of the administration, several of Silas' student organizations stepped into leadership roles. While at first we were all grateful for the Summer Society's EMR squads, the Alchemy Club's mushroom soup kitchens, and Zeta Omega's Emergency Brewing operation, as the weeks have progressed, these initiatives have turned from selfless to something more ambitious. Disputes have begun to arise over which of these groups, if any, has both the jurisdiction and the authority to be leading campus recovery efforts, and if the flaming arrows fired at the Zeta's Fraternity House yesterday as retaliation for an alleged trespass in Summer Society territory are any indication, tensions are rising. With the Board of Governors in absentia and a resounding silence from what remains of the University's administration, the question of who rules Silas grows more pressing by the day.

Certainly none of these organizations has an uncontested claim. Between the great mushroom attack of 2014 and rumours of illegal surveillance, the Alchemy Club is struggling to escape a very recent history of scandal, while the Zetas are rumoured to have unknowingly pledged a serial killer in the last year-- an accusation that has fueled speculation about incompetent leadership. The Summers, probably the most stable of Silas' student societies, still face ill-will over the controversial history of their annual Adonis Festival. And even with the best of intentions, none of these organizations has the numbers or organizational infrastructure to truly control and/or repair the damage the campus has suffered.The Voice, of course, is committed to maintaining its objectivity-- but would like to call for a return to cooperation, or at least a truce. If mere trespassers can set off a skirmish, what will happen if some foolish vandal barges past the caution tape surrounding the Lustig crater or inadvertently causes some other mess? Silas is better served by putting down the spears, the anchovies, and the knock-out-gas-producing puffballs, and pulling together. At bottom, we are all students of this great University, and rather than squabble over who leads and who follows, we must help each other through this trying time, so that we may grow strong, and grow together, ready to face whatever challenges may come.

THE GREAT SILAS LAND GRAB

Corrina Scott - CENTRAL CAMPUS - In addition to last week's innocuous-seeming storage facility sale, areas around the Zeta Omega Mu and Shunned Houses have quietly been sold to an unnamed investment group, quite possibly the same conglomerate which made the prior purchases. Though the Voice of Silas has uncovered the name of this investment group, an international consortium known as the Corvae Corporation, calls to their headquarters in Jahra for comment and explanation have gone unanswered. This is the third sale of University real estate since the death of the Dean: a previous purchase took place just before Christmas and went unreported in the Voice due to the chaos that had engulfed the campus. A section of the Tief Urwald was sold off, ostensibly for logging rights, although protests from arboreal residents may make any actual logging difficult.

Around Campus

Nazneen Ramanujan

STORAGE FACILITIES SOLD TO INVESTMENT GROUP

Corrina McLaughlin Scott - ATHLETIC FACILITIES, NORTH CAMPUS - A trio of unused storage facilities on the North Campus were sold last week to an unnamed investment group. The university statement indicated that the storage facilities were old and unused, and in need of expensive repairs in the wake of the earthquakes that struck the campus last semester.

"The more we looked at the cost of repairing the storage facilities, the more we realized the University's resources would be more effective used in other directions," a spokeswoman for the Board of Governors announced very plausibly at a press conference earlier today. When pressed for details about the investment group, she declined further comment, as her eyes had begun to bleed. Further details as this story develops.

LUSTIG CRATER: A REPORT FROM GROUND ZERO

Samuel David Ellis - LUSTIG THEATRE BUILDING, CENTRAL CAMPUS - When the smoke finally cleared, the few remaining Campus Security staffers that hadn't left after the initial earthquake quietly vacated the premises before snow made the roads impassable. In their absence, this reporter and photographer Nazneen Ramanujan took advantage of the lack of security around the Lustig Crater to get a closer look at the destruction that has rocked Silas to its core.

Extending almost half-a-mile in all directions from the former site of the Lustig, the gaping maw of the crater opens into penetrating blackness. Several of the Central Campus dormitories have begun to sag into the crater. The students that have chosen to remain on campus have vacated these dormitories under direction from Campus Security, so they stand empty and hollow, bricks slowly falling, one by one, into the endless dark of the pit below.

As we ventured closer, a subterranean rumbling could be heard. Reports have come in to the Voice of Silas for several weeks now regarding the rumblings from the bottom of the pit-- a possible harbinger of further tremors or some more serious geological instability. The Voice of Silas can now confirm these reports are factual, if somewhat understated, given the thought-shredding tenour of the sounds we experienced.

After nearly an hour we had worked our way down to the base of the crater, despite walls slick with snow and rain and foul-smelling black slime that covered the camera equipment and made photography all but impossible. We stumbled and cursed past the remains of classrooms and subterranean tunnels incised with glowing runes in what this reporter suspects to be a kind of proto-cuneiform-- a real oddity given our European location. At the base, through an immense crack in the bedrock we glimpsed the leathery ash-gray skin and enormous solitary eye of a creature beyond description. Easily the size of a mountain, if that gargantuan, enraged eye was to be our measure, the creature stared up at us, rage and hunger beyond any human measure eclipsing our puny minds. The black slime that coated the walls seemed to be oozing from a wound in the bulbous end of a huge, antenna-like organ which stretched, limp, across the crater's floor. The horror of its flesh, the putrid odor that oozed with black blood from the great, gaping wound on its head-- we gibbered and drooled and fled the great rage of the Deep One.

Even now, writing these words, humanity feels like a distant dream. My mind is lost forever in the blackness at the bottom of the Lustig Crater. In next week's column we will explore our duties in service of the great and terrible Lophiiformes. And also a series of tips on how to make your second semester at Silas a success!

LILITA MORGAN: A RETROSPECTIVE

Corrina Scott - CENTRAL CAMPUS - Lilita Morgan, longtime Dean of Students of Silas University, passed away last week in a tragic accident. A fixture on campus from what seems like time immemorial, Ms. Morgan guided Silas through many historic changes, from grimly making do during post-war shortages to quelling antiwar protests to eventually opening Silas' doors to lure in international students. Well-known on campus for her warm and intimidating demeanour, a day was hardly complete without hearing the ominous click of her heels and a ringing "Out of my way, worms!" echoing down a campus hall.

"I think her greatest assets were her iron will and unflinching sense of purpose" says Matska Belmonde, Chair of the Silas Board of Governors, who we reached for comment at her home in Rabat. "She had such elaborate plans for Silas' students, and woe betide anyone who thought about getting in her way." This dedication to Silas' students sadly played a role in the Dean's demise. Witnesses report that upon hearing that an ill-equipped group of students had descended into the caverns below the Lustig building, her first instinct was "to haul them out by the scruffs of their necks." She headed for the cavern-complex immediately, vowing that "no survivors" of the ill-fated spelunking expedition would be left trapped underground. 

Though Dean Morgan may be gone, her legacy of academic excellence and brutal oppression will live on in the hearts and minds of any student fortunate enough to have crossed her path and lived. "I can't believe she's gone" said Laura Hollis, one of the idiot waifs rescued from the caverns below the Lustig, clearly traumatized beyond recovery. "I'll never get to tell her... what she meant to me." Ms. Hollis barely managed, before collapsing in tears. Like Ms. Hollis, we too must struggle on bravely, despite our grief. In accordance with the Dean's wishes, students should dress in sackcloth and ashes until further notice. A funeral pyre will be kept burning for the rest of the year, for those who wish to fling themselves upon it in Dean Morgan's honour.

FINALS WEEK CONCERT CANCELED DUE TO STAGE COLLAPSE

Nazneen Ramanujan - VERDEN AMPHITHEATRE, CENTRAL CAMPUS - The Silas University Administration announced this morning that the much-anticipated end of term concert will be canceled due to an incident over the weekend.

Early on Saturday afternoon, as a hardworking crew of maintenance staff and student conscriptees were working hard to erect the stage where the much-beloved local rock group, the Screaming Banshees, were set to appear the coming Friday, an unnamed student took to the stage, and began an unhinged rant. Amidst such ludicrous claims as "I was possessed by means of an evil necklace" and "the digitized consciousness of a student from the 1870s recently escaped the Library Catalogue", and "the Dean of Students is the centuries old leader of a vampire cult, and intends to sacrifice five co-eds to her evil god tonight", the clearly deranged young woman attempted to incite a student uprising. Exhausted from construction work, and in no mood to hear such lies, the collected crowd voiced their objections with a light barrage of fresh produce.

As the crowd was driving the troublemaker from the stage, however, a contingent from Zeta Omega Mu arrived, apparently claiming that the mentally unstable young woman was involved in the disappearance of two brothers the night prior. A dispute quickly broke out as to whether the Summers or the Zetas had jurisdiction over the perpetrator, and which quickly escalated from soft produce into volleys of hard-squash and other gourd-related projectiles, and finally to arson. Onlookers watched helplessly as the stage was engulfed in flames, before it collapsed into a ruined pile of charred wood. With the stage collapsed and the Lustig Theatre unavailable due to damage in last weeks' mushroom incident, the administration had no choice but to cancel the Banshees' concert. The lunatic young woman responsible is, alarmingly, still at large, having escaped both the Summers and the Zetas under cover of the blaze. She is described as wiry, verbose, and possessed of a frightening intensity. Be vigilant, students of Silas, be vigilant.

EDITORIAL: IS OUR HALLOWED CAMPUS IN CRISIS?

Samuel David Ellis - The Voice of Silas has a long history of reporting the facts as per the directive of the University. As the events of the past few days have unfolded we at the Voice have found ourselves at odds with the administration, forced to choose between our jobs and the health and safety of students on campus.

For several weeks now as Summer/Zeta hostilities, bonfire accidents, and further reports of missing students have plagued the campus, we at the Voice have struggled with the University's insistence that all is well, and that we should regard these events as unfortunate, but isolated incidents, instead of evidence of a sinister pattern escalating towards some ominous conclusion.

Here at the Voice, our moment of revelation came when Nazneen Ramanujan, our entertainment writer and chief photographer, became a victim of the great mushroom invasion. Sent out to document what the Administration assured us was a greenhouse project gone awry, Naz, like so many other students, was unprepared for the neurological effects of the spores that blanketed the campus. Her valiant efforts to document the unfolding carnage, before she too succumbed to fungal mind control are featured in a special insert on today's paper. She is currently recovering from injuries sustained while heaving a flaming trashcan through a window in the Lustig Building. Student Health Services are optimistic as to her recovery.

Journalism is a dangerous field, and reporting on the events of the day is never without risks. Still, we cannot pretend to honor those who are willing to put the truth above their own safety by simply reporting what Silas' Administration, distinguished and awe-inspiring as it is, dictates. From this day forward, we promise that readers will discover a new Voice of Silas. One that is here to serve our students' need for knowledge, regardless of the consequences. Naz's sacrifice will not be in vain. 

WHEN MUSHROOMS ATTACK: SILAS U AT THE BRINK

Corrina McLaughlin Scott - CENTRAL CAMPUS - The Silas Campus was once again plunged into chaos late this afternoon when a semester-long intelligent fiber-optics experiment designed by the Silas University Alchemy Club mutated and ran amok. The experiment, a mycologically-based communications array which the Alchemists had been growing underground for the bulk of the semester, was triggered when a club scientist measuring the mycelial matrix fell into the primordium and was swallowed whole.

According to Bernard Trevisan, Head Alchemist and Master of Transmutation, this set off a chain reaction under most of campus, and a series of sinkholes soon developed, swallowing more unsuspecting students on walkways and in dormitories.

But this was only the first stage of the terror to come, as the sinkholes were the breeding ground for the monstrous troop of mushrooms that would bathe the campus in mind-controlling spores for the next six hours. 

Representatives of both Zeta Omega Mu and the Summer Society have mobilized to remove the problem as best they can, donning gas masks after the discovery that the spores were invasive. "Once those spores get into your brain," VP Social Melanippe Callis announced for the Summer Society, "You're probably better off as shishkebab." Behind Ms. Callis, now infamous sister Danny Lawrence was shrieking as she dismembered a podocarp, and could not be reached for comment.

If you have not yet sealed your dormitory windows, out glorious Administration strongly urges you to do so. If you are outdoors without your mandatory gas mask, we advise wrapping a wet cloth over your mouth and nose to prevent spore-ingestion. First responders are rolling barrels of fungicide into position, but have been somewhat hampered by the army of mushroom zombies attempt to burn down the Lustig Theatre Building. Possibly as some kind of protest against the depiction of the life-challenged in the Drama Club's controversial musical interpretation of Antigone: Zombie Vengeance.

SKIRMISH ERUPTS ON NORTH CAMPUS

Corrina McLaughlin Scott – ATHLETIC FACILITIES, NORTH CAMPUS – Skirmishes between the brothers of Zeta Omega Mu and the sisters of the Summer Society continued today as a dispute over swim team escorts turned violent. These new hositilies shattered the uneasy detente between the two campus organizatios after the altercation during last week's ill-fated Town Hall. Bystanders confirmed that the dispute began as Silas' acclaimed women's swim team attempted to exit the Aquatics Centre. A group of ten to twelve Zetas, apparently awaiting the girls, approached with offers to "guard those gams" and "help out with that breaststroke". Perturbed, a junior in the freestyle relay made a call to the Summer Society helpline, and a contingent of sisters arrived with post-thirdwave feminist analysis of cat-calling and paintball rifles.  The Zetas attempted to mansplain their position as escorts, but encountered heavy criticism vis-a-vis their policing of women's bodies in public spaces. Sources are unclear as to who fired the first shot, but the resulting chaos has caused over 40,000€ in property damage, and several paintball-to-groin related injuries, which were according to Zeta President Theodore Straka, "seriously uncool". Students are advised to keep away from the pool facilities as the fish, and fish-like substances released during the conflict pose a biohazard. Cross your fingers for the cleanup, students of Silas, we don't want fish to end up in our pie next Wednesday.

TOWN HALL MEETING DEVOLVES INTO FISH FLINGING FEST

Samuel David Ellis - CENTRAL CAMPUS - The school-wide town hall which was called Monday night to deal with malicious rumours that freshmen girls have been vanishing degenerated into a fracas as tensions between campus factions erupted.

The meeting began promisingly enough, with our wise and illustrious Dean of Students welcoming those who were new to the school and expressing her dismay at the unfounded rumours of student disappearances. The Voice has tried to independently verify these claims, but all the purportedly missing students are either accounted for on campus or have transferred to other, far less hallowed and praiseworthy institutions. 

Unfortunately, several students attempted to take advantage of this misunderstanding to air their petty grievances. Danny Lawrence, the Summer Society's VP of outdoor recreation, made the (unsubstantiated) claim that one of the Society's members had also gone missing, and demanded action (in tones not compatible with the trembling and awe demanded by the Dean's exalted station.) At which point, the obstreperous brothers of Zeta Omega Mu proposed that they protect the women of Silas with escorts to and from classes and dining facilities. While doubtless intended as a noble, non-predatory gesture, the Summer Society representatives in attendance objected vehemently to this solution, using language that the Voice's public decency guidelines will not allow us to reproduce. 

As the dispute escalated, Dean Morgan made every attempt to quell the erupting chaos, but even her level-headed threats of expulsion and physical violence proved insufficient when a rabble-rouser in the audience began pelting onlookers with salted herring. The meeting was dissolved before any significant icthyological injuries occurred.

Corrina McLaughlin Scott contributed to the reporting for this article.

CLUB FAIR ANNOUNCEMENT:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - The Silas University Student Government, on behalf of our illustrious Dean of Students, cordially invites you to attend the Annual Club Fair on the Central Green between 2-7 PM this coming Saturday. The University’s wide range of clubs, organizations, and secret societies are looking for new members, volunteers, and indentured servants. With so many fascinating opportunities to choose from, students should have no trouble finding a niche for themselves and their various bacteria, parasites, and manifestations of spacefaring parents trapped in fifth-dimensional space.

Note from Samuel Ellis, Voice of Silas Editor: The Voice of Silas has two new openings on the editorial staff: As a contributor to the “Praise Silas” advice column, you’ll answer questions ranging from “just what makes Silas the top-rated University in the world?” to “Why is Silas the superior choice for higher education, and definitely not a dangerous place at all?”. As a junior editor in our Policy Dissemination section you’ll be on the front lines of forcibly encouraging the students of Silas to absorb the edicts of our glorious Administration, whether through printed materials, osmosis, or injection. If interested, please make an inquiry at the Voice of Silas table at the club fair, located just beyond the Summer Society schiltron display.