There are songs which make you dance, songs associated with core memories, songs you can't help but belt out when they come on while driving through Ohio cornfields in the summer.
Then there are songs which come into your life at exactly the right moment in time. That yank you off the treadmill, force a mirror in your face and give you four minutes and thirty-eight seconds to reflect. You're Losing Me will always be that song for me.
I'd known for a while that I didn't want to stay at my job long-term when I first heard this song, but I hadn't really processed what it had been taking from me, bit by bit, over years. When I heard You're Losing Me, I heard that inside voice of me--the girl who loves to read and dream and dance badly and laugh loudly. The girl who loves porches and wildflowers but only when her allergies aren't acting up. Who bakes macarons on weekends and adds strawberries to her prosecco. Who is infuriated by injustices and listens empathetically. I heard that girl begging me to stop and realize that, little by little, I was losing her. I was losing her to the protective coat of numbness I had wrapped around my heart in order to place one foot in front of another every day, to fight other peoples' battles that I didn't always believe in.
As I listened again--and again and again and again--I knew in my heart that it was not too late, but that I needed to find a way to choose myself even though it could be terrifying. I've devoted nearly a decade of my life to my law career and its become synonymous with my identity to some eyes. In an inherently adversarial field I've taken so many hits and gotten up so many times that I knew some colleagues would view walking away as weakness. Just like it's viewed as weakness to shed a tear or steal six minutes of someone's time to ask for help. But at some point if I don't choose to walk away, if I don't choose myself, I'll lose my voice. The comedically thrown about description of the job as "soul-sucking" wouldn't be funny because it would be true.
It's been nearly a week since my last day. While I don't know what's next--and that's terrifying-- I know with certainty that I made the right choice for me. I am remembering and rediscovering and creating myself each day. I think I would have reached this place in some way no matter what, but You're Losing Me will always bring me to this time and this choice in my life. I am so grateful for this song--while I'm not great at digging into Easter eggs and hidden clues surrounding album releases, I am excited for the release of TTPD. I hope that Taylor's lyrics all reach the girls who need to hear them, like the lyrics of this song reached me.
<3
