Stepped On The Scene I'm Hearin Hoochies Screamin

boy: hey sorry i took 3 days to reply i was in the shower haha wyd xx 

me: he’s kind. he’s smart. he’s a great communicator. he is telling the truth. he is telling the truth 

Queen, 2014.

me @ myself: ok bitch time to get over it

ICONIC

my husband of twenty years: i love you me: he’s just saying that to be nice

Wait for it

mum says it’s my turn with the carbon

a foot fetishist told me my feet were weird at a party once. do you know how humiliating it is to have your feelings hurt by the foot dude

i am so sick of us politics no offence but i hope your country collapses before 2020 begins because i can’t stand to hear about it anymore

me as a parent:

the older i get the more i can understand why people back in the old fairytale days would just fuck off and be a hermit in the woods. just chilling out in the middle of nowhere and occasionally telling random heroes cryptic shit. living the fucking dream.

You’re not asking for too much you’re just asking the wrong person

why did it take me so long to realize?

me vague posting on Facebook when my friends and family won’t give me a $1500 cash gift for my wedding

Dudes in 18th century would b like “if u don’t respond to my marriage proposal by next winter I’m going to enlist in the war and die .”

someone just sent me a message saying there’s an okcupid account catfishing with my selfies to find a sugar daddy but i had to tell them that’s actually really me