My Roommate Has Thoughts
[Moderator's note: My roommate sent me this email today. I changed NOTHING except removing her signature.]
I just had a Tumblr comment-war in my head. ALL BY MYSELF.
It started with a snark-thought:
Yes, I eat, it’s a thing that humans do.
#food is not a crime
But then came the responses from the rest of the universe, starting with:
Humans! You think just because you walk and talk and operate heavy machery, oh, and f*** up the climate all on your own that everything is about YOU!! Goats and Horses and Cows and Rodents eat too, duh.
#yes all mammals
Then the reptiles:
Blood-temperturist much? Crocodiles and snakes have these big teeth for a reason.
#cold blooded, not fridged
And on and on down through Ameobas:
Dude, we’d eat ourselves if we could.
#primordial souper
Plants:
Animals! It’s bad enough that we’re fair game for a salad any time it’s convenient, but you forget that we not only make food, but we convert it into energy for ourselves. THAT’s EATING.
#self-sufficient #makers and takers #supping on the sun
Fungus:
While we fully respect our herby neighbors, we should remind them that we feed them too. Breaking down organic waste into food for us and SHARING it in a mutually beneficial arrangement per our ethical dedication to world peace on a microbic level.
#it starts small #one world #mushroom mushroom
Fine! I reply. All living things. I’m sorry I started this.
It is not enough.
Yeast:
Your science can’t decide if we’re even alive. Hellooo! But where do you think all that sugar goes? It becomes gas, right? That’s making from consuming, and per Plant’s argument, we’re included too.
#we’re really farting in your bread #dutchoven
The sun:
So, using up matter to create energy is eating? Boom.
#breakfasting before it was cool #haha, cuz I’m never cool, I create heat! Get it? #I don’t really understand hashtags.
Galaxies:
HA! We see you Sun and raise you, I dunno, like A BILLION.
Universe:
::points to comment above. Sassy head tilt. Mic drop::
Me:
OKAY THEN EVERYTHING. All of you are eaters, congratulations, I’m going to bed now.
#my brain is crazy.